Tag Archives: skin removal

A Simple & Good Man: 5th Would-Be Wedding Anniversary

March 18, 2017 Jessica 2 Comments

“A widow doesn’t move on; she moves forward”. I read that on a blog that I follow. I can’t agree with it more.

My brother and I had a long conversation on Monday. He talked about 2010 when he lived with me. It was a tough time in his life as he was having some mental health issues. This happened at the same time that Paul and I’s relationship began. He told me about a couple talks that Paul and him had had together. He told me of a conversation from 2014…the last year Paul was alive and the year that my brother began to finally be on the mend. Paul had told him that he has finally gotten to “know the brother that Jessica told me about” because all those years ago, I told Paul over and over “this isn’t my brother. This is an impostor” when my brother was going through the most challenging times of his life. He told me that Paul told him that he was his brother. Jon told me about how much Paul’s words meant to him because to him he was like our Papa (who passed in 2009)–“he was a simple and good man. A man a few words”. Our Papa was my brother’s role model and he loved him dearly as did I so this was a great compliment and it made me weep.

My brother went on to ask me if I had any animosity towards him for the terrible things that he had done in the past. I quickly replied ‘no’ and he insisted that I be honest. I went on to elaborate on how I feel about the whole situation. I love my brother. We have a very special relationship. And I hold nothing against him for what he did when he wasn’t in his right mind. And how Paul reacted to the situation with my brother made me fall even more in love with him. He was the calm and the rock in my life. Even though he didn’t understand, he was tolerant and didn’t judge. So I don’t feel that my brother took anything away from our relationship–on the contrary, what was going on at the time acted as a catalyst in our relationship. It sped it along even more so–in hindsight, this was a good thing given that we would only have a handful of years together.

A co-worker of mine that has become a friend over the last year or so had tears in her eyes when I told her about what my brother had said about Paul. She went on to tell me how incredibly strong I am; that I’ve been through so much and yet I’m an accomplished and a sweet person.

I’ve thought on this. In the moment, I was taken aback. I’ve heard these words before from various people; especially since Paul has passed. I never know what to say or how to feel. I don’t really think of myself as any sort of extraordinary or a particularly strong person. I don’t think of myself as courageous. What I do think of myself is that I’m a person of perseverance. I’d like to say (and probably have said) that I take my life a day at a time but anyone who knows me knows that that isn’t exactly true. I don’t really like to leave things to chance and spontaneity gives me anxiety. I’m very much a planner. I like to, or rather have a habit of, obsessing about what I want to do, what I need to do and how I will accomplish that goal to my most perfect outcome. Although over the years, I’ve definitely learned that life isn’t quite that simple. Since Paul has passed, I’ve tried my best to incorporate a part of his soul into myself and into my every day life. I jump hurdles as they come and I try to enjoy my life each day.

It doesn’t do much good to be defeated. Actually it does you no good at all to be a defeatist. I have met these types and I’m related to these types. And I refuse to be a victim. Even in the face of tragedy, I refuse to be defeated. There’s something that you can take away from each and every situation that you come into contact with–I truly believe that. A few examples:

My dad disowned me several times: You have to accept people for who and what they are. You can’t hang your hopes on what you think a person should or could be. You should always ‘consider the source’ when you are met with statements that are crushing.

I was sexually abused: I have been able to achieve forgiveness and to let bitterness go.

My high school bf broke my heart: The value of family was reinforced when my brother drove to see me every day after work for a long while. I learned that heated words and passion do not equate love like it does in the movies.

My relationship after that: It is sometimes better to be alone. In fact, it’s absolutely necessary to have solitude; to discover who you are separate from another human being. You should always follow your instincts. And if your family does not like your partner, you should heed that as a huge warning.

My brother had a emotional breakdown in my home; We almost lost him: Each person is definitely fighting a battle that you have no clue about. What it looks like to you and what it truly is are two very different things. Sometimes it takes a lot of time, patience, therapy and relapses before you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I love my brother more than words could ever express and hold no ill feeling towards him.

I was paralyzed by this obscene amount of weight that I’d accumulated over a lifetime: The lessons learned here are never ending. You are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for. It isn’t selfish to put your needs before the needs/wants of others. You deserve to be healthy. Being fat is hard. I deserve to live a life that I’m proud of. Fucking dance even though you look ridiculous.

The man that changed it all for me died on the night of my gastric bypass surgery: Again, so many things. To experience true love, no matter the length of time, is priceless. Terrible things happen for absolutely no reason. You are capable of anything. The bitter makes the sweet sweeter. Love as though you’ve never experienced pain. Say what you mean; mean what you say. True colors are shown amidst the times of tragedy.

My BFF of over 20 years quit me: The loss of a true friendship is just as painful as the death of your husband. People experience grief in their own manner. You can’t make someone love you. I deserve to have a friendship that does not make me question my worth. Just because a friendship ends doesn’t mean that the friendship didn’t happen; it had a purpose.

Skin removal surgery: They say your body is your temple; well you feel free to jazz that temple up. I’ve worked very hard to lose over 180 lbs and I have no guilt over the vanity that is perceived in me having my skin taken off. I fucking love not feeling the need to HAVE TO HAVE a bra on at all times. Working towards having an equilibrium between the inside and outside.

Well I surely went off on a tangent there…ultimately to come to this: Life is what you make it. I’m always working towards making mine great.

Today was our Would-Be 5th anniversary. This one was a hard one; what the hell am I saying? They all are hard ones. Paul and I dreamed together out loud. It is something that I loved about our relationship. And our 5th wedding anniversary was going to be epic. We were going to go to Ireland–after all, we were married on St. Patrick’s Day.

Last night I couldn’t sleep. I was too much in my own mind. I ended up dragging my wedding gown out. At first I just opened the bag and looked upon it but then I wanted to wear it. I decided I was going to take a picture with Paul. I put the dress on…I didn’t even have to unzip what used to be a fitted bodice. Even though I had to hold it up, I still felt like a beautiful cake topper. I thought about how I happened upon my $1800 valued ‘Craigslist Killer Dress” that I paid $300 for (including the can-can, a bustier and a black dress).

We made a Wedding Ceremony Wine Box. Inside this box was our favorite bottle of wine (Tres Suenos Anniversary Red), 2 wine glasses and letters to one another. My sister decorated the inside of the box with childhood pictures of us, our Save-the Date card and a picture of my grandparents on their wedding day. My friend and our Officiant said beautiful words about the box on our wedding day. In the letters, we told one another why we were marrying them. If ever there came a time that it all became too much and we thought we may separate, we would open the box, drink the wine and read the letters. If that time didn’t come then on our 5th wedding anniversary, we would open the box and enjoy the wine and letters together. {We wrote letters to one another on our first anniversary and I wrote one on our second. But he never did.}

Today I went to the lake where we were married. I opened the box in the very spot where we closed it together 5 years before. The wind was blowing intensely just as it had on our wedding day. The water wasn’t as high as it was 5 years ago but I could still hear the sounds of the lake as I sat reading the letters and sipping the red wine. My letters were all several pages; his several sentences. I cried as I read the line “I love you more than you will ever know!!!!” and “I’ll continue to give you all that I have”. I held the letter to my chest, took a deep breath and felt the tears land on my fingers. In my letter, I talked about all the things that I adored about him and the things that were going on in our lives and about the things I was most proud of at the time. I stood in the same spot that I stood 5 years ago and I listened to Train’s “Marry Me” which was the song that I was supposed to walk down the aisle to but Paul forgot the stereo. Then I closed my eyes as I listened to Blake Shelton’s “God Gave Me You” which was the song that played during our first dance.

After that, I packed it all up and met up with one of my girlfriends for pedis and lunch. She was frustrated as she told me that her husband and her had just gotten into a full on argument. I thought to myself “I wish I could fight with Paul about money”. I listened to her intently as she told me about their spat. Paul and I had had these types of quarrels as well. And I acted much as she did in this situation so I absolutely knew where she was coming from. My unsolicited advice that I gave to her was that there was a compromise in there. There isn’t sense in being so strict with finances that it makes you unhappy even if the end result of financial independence is within arm’s reach because…tomorrow is not promised.

I’ve said many times that I don’t have too many regrets about my life with Paul but the one that I do have is in regards to my rigidness. I wish I had been softer with our finances and allowed for more spontaneity in our everyday lives. I do that now as a result. Life is meant to be lived. Everything in life is about balance. When you find that balance you find harmony and with harmony, you find happiness. That’s what it is all about.

Tonight I had planned to have pizza and drinks with Lisa and our friends but I cancelled. As much as I wanted to be this rock of stability…the poster child of triumph over grief…I wasn’t. What have I done? I’ve put on Paul’s shirt, the necklace that has the 2 pendants that he gave me over the years and his wedding band, my wedding set and bands. I’ve sat on the couch and wandered in and out of thought. I’ve cried a lot. I’ve used my yoga breathing to try to find my center. But mostly, I’ve just thought on how much I miss that goofy guy. I thought about how much I wish he was here. I’ve thought about how much it hurts and how the pain has not seemed to change in these types of moments.

Please hug your loved ones extra tight tonight. Tell them you love them and mean it. Think beyond your own selfish wants and needs. Think more on the needs of your partner. Find balance in meeting their needs and satisfying your own. But, above all, make this day count.

Love,

Jess

Coping with Stress; Bikini Ready.

March 6, 2017 Jessica 3 Comments

How do you deal with stress? Are you a stress eater? Take it out on the gym? Lash out at loved ones? How do you cope?

My go to has always been food. I could always ‘solve’ any emotion with a full belly. I found in comfort in the satiation feeling after a sugary treat or every greasy thing off of the Taco Bell menu.

These days it is a little different. If you follow me on Facebook or IG, you have probably seen my healthiest and newest outlet: exercise. In my vision of the healthiest person inside and out is a person who doesn’t abuse themselves with substances (i.e. fast food, alcohol, smoking, etc.) and who channels their frustrations into healthier avenues.

Lately my world is just like yours. Not the picture that you see on social media. I try my very best not to air all of my laundry there. In recent weeks some stressors that I’ve been enduring are that I’ve started a new semester of classes to finish out my BSN, working out almost daily, struggles with processes/politics at works and the biggest one, my siblings and I have taken over the healthcare of my father. I won’t weigh this post down with the ins and outs of this process but it has become a day in and out stress. To say that I’m experiencing caregiver fatigue is a gross understatement.

The always there stress of grief is a constant in my life but with everything else that has been going on I’ve been pushing it to the back. I tell myself I’ll think of it later. I’ve purposely been pushing thoughts of Paul and our upcoming would-be 5th wedding anniversary to the back of my mind; refusing to deal with it for lack of time. How crazy is that? Like it is like in my mind that I can compartmentalize this kind thing, stick it on a to-do list and get to it when I have the time. It has worked oh…not too badly until yesterday. Yesterday it hit me. All at once. BOOM! On a day that was already rationed to be a 100% study day, I spent the better part of the day in full effect, ugly tears that demanded vocalization. You know what I’m talking about. I cried so hard that I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t focus. And all I could think on was him and how cruel life is. I reached out to my friends for support. They were helpful. I ended my night with a pup taking up 3/4 of my bed and a tear stained pillow.

Anyways…I digress…

Exercise has been a good outlet for me these last 8 weeks. It has given me something to focus on that isn’t for anyone but myself. I’m a goal oriented person. I enjoy having a list and checking things off. And so January 4th after I was cleared for activity, I set to complete 6 Week Abs with Jillian Micheals and Couch-2-5K. I’ve been the most consistent and compliant that I have ever been since beginning this journey in May 2014. I’ve taken progress pictures everyday because I’m a firm believer in them; although, I’m sure that some people are really tired of seeing this bellah! I’m trying to transition from being scale focused to focusing on my overall health and the way that I feel. My body just doesn’t want to let go and get under 153 (which is my lightest so far) and she feels most comfortable at 155. I have always had the goal of getting to 149 so that I wouldn’t be classified as over weight but let’s face it…I love tacos, alcohol and chocolate too much! What is life if I had to give it all up? A life of protein and veggies only is a bland life and I’m nothing of the sort. I calculated my body fat percentage which was somewhere around 27-28%. That’s average not overweight so bam! This is the healthiest that I have ever felt in my life.

I’m now trying my best to focus on some self love. To not be so rigid in my activities and goals but to just let it be. I started doing yoga on most mornings and I love it. It is so relaxing. And tomorrow I will be exchanging my Jillian 6 Week Abs for Jillian’s Bun Burner. I’ll be working on that a few times a week and continuing with my C25K–trying to improve my stamina/endurance.

So are we ready for some pictures? {FYI…there’s not a difference in weight in these pictures!!}

I’m comfortably fitting in a range of sizes. lol. The vanity sizing in America is rather comical. I’m anywhere from a 6 to a 8 depending. These thick thighs are usually the determining factor though. But I’d be lying if I told you that it didn’t make me giddy to buy a pair of size 6 jeans that didn’t require aerobics to get into and that lack a muffin top

20170217_115515 — Rue 21 junior size 7/8

20170217_115550 — No muffin top; not ‘sucking it in’ (Feb 2017)

20170209_174139 — Size 6 with some room (Feb 2017)

Abdominoplasty Post Op 4 Months

I’m healing very well from surgery. I couldn’t be more pleased with my results. I can’t even explain how wonderful it feels to not have that pannus anymore. I hate running but I love that when I run that there isn’t the sound or feel of my stomach slapping my thighs. I love that I am no longer self conscious about the way my body looks. I’m so proud of what I have accomplished and continue to accomplish. I’m looking forward to summer for the first time in my entire life because I can actually wear a suit without fear of my belly plopping out.

Below, the green shorts, are my “surgery goal shorts”. They are a size 4 and I couldn’t begin to button them prior to surgery. Now it is time for before and after over load!

Above all, love yourself. You deserve to be happy. Without it, what is life? Live this day. Love this day. Thanks for all of your support.

Love,

Jess

One Year Anniversary-Bat wing free And Pannus Free

January 25, 2017 Jessica 1 Comment

Capture+_2017-01-21-14-07-54 — 1 year post op

Oh man. The last several weeks have been crazy insane between coming off restriction, taking over dad’s health care and starting school. I feel like I’ve been going 90 to nothing. I haven’t really had a chance to decompress. Although, on Thursday I leave for Seattle to see my bestie! I’m pretty darn excited about that.

I can’t believe it but last week marked 1 year post op of my brachioplasty and my mastopexy. And, also, the anniversary of this blog. Yay.

Collage 2017-01-21 13_35_02 — The day of my surgery. One year apart: same shirt.

I can’t say enough how happy I am with my results. It is truly amazing to not have my bat wings. I’ve had them for forever and I can tell you, whole-heartedly, that I don’t miss them. Not a bit! A year later, I enjoy wearing strapless or sleeveless tops most any time I can; before, going braless was not an option and now I prefer it; bras are way easy to find in my size 36C; no worries about black eyes with cardio; no contorting my body to hide my arms in pictures; and, best yet, I actually have some muscle that you can see. My scars are healing nicely. My arm scars don’t bother me at all (even when people, yes strangers, ask me what happened). The only scar that is still a little red and raised in the inner incision on both breasts. I am not diligent about putting on my silicone gel. I plan to work on that though. But, man, check out this comparison:

Capture+_2017-01-21-14-05-23 — 1 year post op brachioplasty and mastopexy

Collage 2017-01-21 14_06_57 — And, if you didn’t notice, I got a little bit of a bra upgrade:

I am now 10 weeks post op of my lower body lift (360 abdominoplasty). I wanted to give you a bit a of an update. My incisions are all healed. There’s like 2 or three spots along my incision that have a tip of a suture poking out. Although, of course, it is on my back side so I can’t clip it. I’m so happy with my results thus far. This last weekend I was able to put on a pair of size 6 jeans (they were huggin these thighs but hey..) and I didn’t have a muffin top! Like whhhaattt? It was crazy. I just love it.

Since being released from restriction, I picked up exercising again after a 8 week hiatus. It was hard. My abdominal muscles wanted to cry. I started back at the C25K which is 3 days a week and Jillian Michaels on the off days. I’m doing the running on my treadmill. The first couple times, it really hurt my booty. So I put some compression shorts on and that really helped. I also wear my waist trainer as well which holds everything in. We all know that I’m not a runner and I don’t know why but in my mind…running is synonymous with healthy. So I just always have this desire to be a runner even though I hate it. On the flip, exercising without a pannus slapping against your thighs is kinda hard to believe. It allows me to really focus what I’m actually doing rather than on the sound that my belly flop is making. I’m working my way up. And yesterday, I was able to jog 6 minutes straight at 3.4 mph without dying. C25k told me to jog for 3 minutes but I was like I can totally keep going. I’ve been up to as high as 4.0 but not for that long. I almost feel embarrassed to share these numbers. But I also think it’s important to show what goes into leading a healthy lifestyle.

I continue to struggle with the scale. I know I KNOW…put it up. For all of my forever, that number has defined me. What a terrible way to live. It’s just ingrained in me. I told Lisa that I think I’ll put it up again because that scale hates me. I thought that taking that skin off would equate to a loss of pounds but I haven’t seen that happen. What I’ve seen is a 2 lb gain since beginning my workouts. Which I know that that is probably muscle but it still sucks. So I’m taking frequent progress pictures so that I can compare them.

20170122_080204_HDR — Post Jillian Michaels workout. I now push myself and I drip sweat!

Im dying for that ab. Just the one.

I’ve been missing my Paul something fierce. I’ve had a few restless nights and a few mornings filled with tears. I had a story that I wanted to share about a conversation that I had with another lady but I think I’ll go into that another day because I AM EXHAUSTED at this moment.

You guys…make it count. Love you life.

From Pretty Pannus to Pretty Panties

December 9, 2016 Jessica Leave a comment

Currently I am in Outpatient Surgery waiting on Lisa while she has her uterus evicted. I’m glad that this day has finally come for her and that I get to be here for her.

Yesterday marked my 4 week post op mark! It seems like forever but also like a blink of an eye. Weird how that goes. I got my release to go back to work Monday on light duty. I went to work to turn all that in and it was so nice to see all of my co-workers. I really REALLY have missed them! They are so sweet! I really do have an amazing work family.

In preparation for my return to work, I bought a new pair of scrubs. That was quite the workout. I refused to take my clothes off to try them on for fear I would tire and not be able to get them back on. lol. It was pretty exciting though. I bought an XS top (it does have a stretchy side panel) and a petite small pant! Wow! I just can’t believe it. To top that off, I tried on my medium scrubs and they are so baggy now. Thank goodness for drawstrings because scrubs are so expensive!!

While at the surgeon’s office, I had them take a look at my pelvis incision because it STILL is not approximated! Well…turns out that there were some staples that are suppose to dissolve which had poked through under the glue and have kept my incision from healing properly!! She pulled the remaining staple and after just a day it already looks so much better.

Collage 2016-12-08 17_59_35 — On the bottom left photo, you can see the white string looking thing…that is the culprit….the dissolvable staple!!!

Overall, my incisions are looking really good. I’m very pleased with them except my pelvis. The swelling has really gone down quite a bit. As you can see, the swelling in my hips was quite severe and now it has calmed down.

My activity tolerance is better. Showers still continue to be a workout. Sigh. I’m now having back pain. It is in my lower back. It sucks because there isn’t much that I can do about it since I can’t stretch or get an adjustment. Basically, I’m just really tight and I think I’ve slept wrong…couple that with inactivity and VOILA back pain! I talked to my exercise physiologist and she suggested ham string stretches. That has REALLY helped. I’ve also been using essential oils and alternating cold/hot packs. Slowly but surely I’m getting there.

Mobility wise I’m doing a lot better. My abs and back are so tight that I can’t arch either way. I can ALMOST bend all the way over but have to squat just a little bit to touch the ground. I’m not able to twist yet. I can tolerate lying on my sides and back. The numbness in my booty is still there. I’m not sure if the severity is less or I’m just used to the ‘bubble butt’. Again, it feels like I have two half deflated balls in my buttcheeks!

I had my 2 year bariatric surgery follow up. I was quite nervous about going in because of the weigh in. I remember from last surgery I gained over 10 lbs in water weight and it took me over a month to lose it. And this surgery was much more invasive. Although they removed at least 7lbs of skin/tissue, I knew that I’d still be up on the scale. Because I know myself, I put my scale up before surgery so that I wouldn’t be torturing myself with the numbers! I was 162ish pre-op and I weighed in at 158.3. Last weigh in at the doctor in July was 157.8. I was relieved but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t bothered by the gain. It was my first gain at the doctor since July 2014. My APRN laughed at me and told me I was silly. Pfft. I’m trying really hard not to be weight obsessive and look at the bigger picture. My blood pressure was 122/69. My HR 67. I fit in the chairs with extra space. My belly didn’t sit on my lap when I sat on the examine table. I’m excited to exercise next year. I surely have come a long way. As my best buddy Kati said ..I’ve gone from pretty pannus to pretty panties! Love you all!

Collage 2016-12-09 07_30_01 — From pannus to panties. I’m wearing panties in both pictures but now you can see them!

Sitting on Balls & Belly Button Beats: 2 Weeks Post Op {WARNING: GRAPHIC IMAGES}

November 29, 2016 Jessica Leave a comment

Collage 2016-11-29 10_44_26 — Swelling is decreasing but still there. Butt cheeks still aren’t together. Swelling has increased in my lower abdomen but significantly reduced in my hips.

Two week post op fell on Thanksgiving this year. As you can imagine, it has been a very busy week.

I saw my surgeon to look at a few areas that were bleeding. I’ve been quite concerned about my pelvis. It has black areas and has opened a little. It is also the area I’m most concerned about. He looked it over and told me that everything is healing nicely but I do need to take it easy. He confirmed that he did want me to complete my 4 weeks off of work. The black area on my pelvis is a mix of blood in the surgical glue. He advised to place bacitracin and bandages over the concerning areas. Then he pulled my second drain!!! Again, it felt like a snake crawling out of my back. So creepy. I am so relieved to have that drain gone. It was literally a pain in my ass. (Pun intended lol)

20161128_124638 — A little over 2 weeks post op: incision over pelvis. Slightly painful. Not warm to touch though.

Having both drains out means that I have graduated from abdominal binder to bodyshaper which I will be in for the next 4-8 weeks. When I got home, I showered and set out on my challenge. I am not even exaggerating a little bit when I tell you that it took me 45+ minutes and it was like putting on pantyhose that were 3 sizes too small. If you have this procedure, I highly recommend that you do this with assistance. Lisa was at work and I was home alone…and well let’s face it…I so thoughtI could do it myself. Turns out I was right but geez. Once I did struggle into it, it felt great. All my parts were hugged and I felt very secure. At this point, it is not comfortable to be nude, as you feel that everything will fall out. I opted for this type of shaper after of advice from others that have had similar procedures and I don’t have to worry about the top rolling down.

Collage 2016-11-29 10_55_57 — The bodyshaper struggle be real. Every step of this was exhausting. I worked up a sweat. It was awful.

Collage 2016-11-22 15_23_14 — There is a crotch hole that is not comfortable and I dont feel right sitting on the furniture uncovered. So I put some wonderwoman underwear on and I think it was epic!

I’m trying to be more active. I’m on my own at home but not able to bend for another week (doctor’s order). It is a challenge. I might be slightly stubborn. My mom loaned me her grabber and it has been a life saver. I tire very easily. Mollie and I have gone on short walks after which I feel like I’ve worked a 12 hour shift. The night sweats have stopped so that’s nice. I’m no longer on pain medication. Extra strength tylenol seems to do the trick but I do require it about every 6 hours.

After 2 weeks of being pretty much home bound, I ventured out. It felt wonderful to get dressed in real clothes. I drove for the first time. I padded myself with a pillow and headed downtown for vanilla extract. I also got myself a manicure. It was a nice treat. The sun felt great and it was nice to get out.

Collage 2016-11-29 10_46_39 — 2 weeks post op: Size medium bell bottom pants and small top. Im beyond amazed with my shape!

20161123_131219_HDR — First venture out after 360 Lower body lift 2 weeks ago!

I’m beyond excited about my belly button. It’s so weird to actually see it. With my rolls before, I couldn’t see it–ever! The weird part, you can see my heart beat. Yes. The pulsating from my abdominal aorta. It’s wicked. As I’ve lost weight, I’ve been able to feel it but now you can see it! Crazy!

Overall, I’m healing very well. I’m thankful for the time to recover. As I learned from last time, it takes time and lots of energy. It has been emotionally and physically draining to go through this transformation. Right now, my struggles are: sitting on my butt as it is numb and the left side has not dropped–it literally feels like I’m sitting on balls; activity tolerance; pain in my pelvis; and my buttcheeks have not come together and the incision across my crack is painful and uncomfortable.

This marks the third Thanksgiving without Paul. To say that it is a struggle is an understatement. There are no words that can describe the feeling. On a brighter note though, it has been the best family time I’ve experienced in years.

We had a lovely Thanksgiving lunch at mom’s–just the immediate family. It was quaint. I really enjoyed the time we had together. It’s very rare that we have time all together with schedule and distance that play against us.

Paul’s family opened their home and hearts to Lisa this holiday. It was so very unexpected and literally brought tears to my eyes. Never in my wildest dreams would I have expected this. They have religious beliefs against same sex relationships (as previously discussed). And to have them invite my girlfriend into the home of my husband’s family is just amazing. Lisa was beyond nervous but it all went very well. I just love them so much. I’m so lucky to have a family like this.

My mom didn’t invite my dad to Thanksgiving (which is a long story). It was devastating to him but it allowed us (myself and my brother and sister) to have alone time with him. We spent a whole day together. We (really they did because I couldn’t bend enough) played pool, went shopping and had lots of laughs with him. It was a first and very enjoyable time.

Collage 2016-11-29 11_38_57 — Thanksgiving 2016. Lunch at mom’s. Mom and Jamie protect my incisions from the pups. Movie with the siblings. Pool with Dad and the siblings. Putting up the Christmas tree with Jamie and Jason.

Entering into week 3: I’m excited that I will soon be able to bend. Hoping to become more active and not tire quite so easily. I have to get back into gear as Lisa’s surgery is coming up and then I’ll be going back to work! Time is flying by!!! Love you all!

Holy Butthole, Batman! {WARNING: GRAPHIC IMAGES}

November 18, 2016 Jessica 1 Comment

SkinRemoved — MY FLAPS!!!!! And that canister is the fat that was liposuction-ed. Bye Bye “tramp stamp”

originalVSpostop — Pre Op (Gastric Bypass 2014) VS Post Op (Lower Body Lift 2016)

Yesterday was post op day 7 and my follow up appointment with my surgeon. I was really excited! It took me over 30 minutes to undress, give myself a whore bath and get dressed. It was quite the work out and very tiring BUT I did it. I was really excited especially since the last 24+ hours has been a struggle with these drains!**side note**

**I’m very familiar with JP drains but when it’s yourself, it is another ball game. I awoke and the sides of my pants were saturated. My first thought was that I was bleeding! Eek. I stripped down and my dressings were saturated with serosanguineous drainage. We had noticed previously that the right drained was not sutured in place and wiggled. I tried to tape it down but it was leaking around it. I couldn’t see any clots in the line. The output in the drain had gone from about 90 ml/6hr to less than 10 (probably since most was leaking? I called the office and was told to continue to strip the drains. So we did. My mom is amazing at stripping these drains. Best I’ve even seen. Long story short, if you have this surgery some tips for your drains. Right at the entry of the tube into your body–pinch that tube. Squeeze and let go–squeeze and let go. Multiple times. Even if you don’t see a clot. Then get a damp wash cloth, with your free hand pinch the tube at the end closest to your body, use the damp cloth to strip the tube. Keep doing this until the line is completely empty. My surgeon told me to do it once every 6 hours but sometimes you have to do it more frequently. So I’ve been doing it every time I go pee.**

Anywho…so I got myself all dressed and ready for the doctor appointment. My surgeon was extremely pleased with my progress. He removed my belly button sutures. You could tell that he was very VERY please with my belly button. I am too. More about this later. The right drain that has been troublesome, he removed. It was WEIRD!. He kept telling me not to look but I couldn’t help it! This tube was inside all the way across my lower abdomen and as he removed it, it felt like a snake was slithering around in there. CREEPY! Oh man but I was so very relieved to have it out!!! He said that I’m healing nicely. We will continue to monitor. I’m on a strict no bending or squatting restriction for at least 2 more weeks! He wants me to stand as straight up as tolerated. This is definitely a struggle as my posture is terrible anyways and my abs are so tight and sore.

DressedMyselfPostDay7 — Post Op Day 7. Dressed myself and ready for my follow up appointment.

I’ve been amazed at the size of my hips/thighs. I was actually able to wear a pair of Paul’s XL basketball shorts. My curves/lines are sleek and loving em but I’m just like ‘holy hips batman’. The surgeon told me that, of course, I’m still very swollen and the tool that he inserted into the saddlebags to pull up that outer thigh really causes some trauma. So that will subside over the next weeks/months.

paulspants — My hips are so big that they hold up Paul’s XL basketball shorts!!

Here’s the REAL funny. I can’t recall if I’ve blogged about it or just told my friends/family, but my butt…it’s crazy. In the hospital, on my first walk, I told my mom that I felt like someone was pushing my butt cheeks up and apart. She looked and was like…that’s exactly what it looks like! Since losing all of this weight, I have lost my butt. I have had a flat, bony booty. Not fun. So this surgery was suppose to help that a little by adding some bulk with my lift. The swelling has separated my cheeks! And…you can LITERALLY see my butthole! OMG it is so weird. And it reminds me of my grandma. She had gastric bypass in the 80s and lost a lot of weight but never had plastics done. Her booty was much like mine. Omg it’s just so hilarious. Today, I tried to clinch my butt-cheeks…nope. Can’t do it yet

ButtPreopVS4daypostop — Pre Op VS Post Op day 4

Holy….BUTTHOLE Batman!

I’m really having a lot a of time to really think about how far I have come. It’s completely unreal. People ask me all of the time how I feel about it. I’m still working on the correct articulation of that right now. I’m in awe of myself. I’m in awe of my life; of what has happened to me and how I’ve come out.

Lisa said last night “You are truly an inspiration. Everyone I share your story with tears up just a bit. It’s so powerful.” To which I responded: Awww. It’s insane. Unreal. I can’t believe I’ve survived. I can’t believe I’ve achieved.

2yearsinprogress — A 2 year transformation: Pre Op 11/2014. 6 Months post Op. 1 Year Post Op. Post op 2 Years (pre op 11/2016). And now 11/2016 (Post op Day 7)

Post-Op Day 6: It’s All So Tight!!

November 16, 2016 Jessica 1 Comment

Surgery day has come and gone. My mom, Lisa and one of my bestest gal pals were all there to send me to surgery. I didn’t sleep much the night before but I was still bright eyed and ready to go!

The pre-op nurse stuck me twice before a second nurse got me on her first try. My vital signs were withing normal limits but I was sweaty as the nerves took over–especially under my belly and I thought about how this will no longer be an issue. The nurse read a clause of my living will and complemented me on it. My doctor came in and we discussed additional questions the he marked my body.

Collage 2016-11-15 04_36_21 — Pre Op Lower Body Lift 11/10/16: surgeons marks. On my LLQ he wrote “BYE”

Hugs and kisses right before they took me back and 8 hours later, I woke up in my hospital room with my mom and Lisa by side. The evening went well with moderate pain. They discontinued my foley quickly and getting up the first time was a struggle but I did it with minimal assistance. I was able to walk around the floor. I wasn’t too hungry but did eat a smidgen before bedtime.

20161110_212253 — Successfully got myself back into bed!

The most difficult part came when Lisa had to go. I was so emotional. I just had this rush of feelings that came over me and I couldn’t control them. I cried and I cried hard. It’s fuzzy but I just kept telling her that I don’t want her to go as Lisa and mom tried to comfort me. And I ‘knew’ that everything was okay but I just had this collision of feelings processing the surgery day and the surgery day that happened 2 years prior…when I never saw Paul again. I was so afraid that I wouldn’t see Lisa again. Mom eventually just had to tell Lisa to go. And shortly after she left, I was able to calm down and Mom and I chatted all night long.

20161111_075944_Burst01 — First look at my incision

The next morning my surgeon was prompt to come by to check on me. He took down all of my dressings and told me how great everything looked. I looked down and was like “holy hell! I can see my vagina!” The oncoming nurse was there and congratulated me and was excited with me. It was such an emotional moment!

Over the weekend, Lisa took AMAZING care of me. She kept up with all of my meds, emptied my drains, moved the couch so she could sleep next to me, etc. I can’t say enough good things about her.

Everything is soooooo tight! The drains are uncomfortable. I am wearing an abdominal binder and everything itches! My surgeon forewarned me that I wouldn’t be able to walk completely upright for awhile and boy was he right!! I’m really glad that I rented a recliner and that I have lots of pillows because positioning is key!

I’m lucky to have had my two nurse buddies come by to help Lisa and I with showers. Showering is quite the work out, even with two people helping you. Seeing myself in the mirror this time was not as traumatic as my previous surgery. I had definitely prepared myself for it. It was really odd seeing myself in the mirror. There I stood…no udder. Ive never been able to see my belly button and now…I have a belly button!! Overall, it was exciting and I didn’t cry.

Sleeping is an issue right now and it isn’t just one thing. It is a combination: I’m in pain, uncomfortable and emotional. At this point, I’m able to do almost everything for myself except for showering and picking stuff up. So I’m hoping to not HAVE to have a overnight sitter by the end of the week. I’m working on building up my endurance, standing more upright and pain management.

Tomorrow is my 1 week post op appointment and I am really hoping to get at least one of my JP drains out.

Live the life you want today; “You don’t need to lose anymore weight”

June 8, 2016 Jessica 1 Comment

I know I just posted a few days ago but I have had a very exciting couple of days and I just wanted to share them.

I visited my bariatric clinic today for a check up. It was uplifting and reassuring. I love going. I used to dread going to any type of doctor for fear of the scale, the vitals and what ‘lecture’ they might have in store for me. But all that has changed. I’m excited to go. It’s a personal challenge and I always feel so accomplished. I didn’t hesitate when the LPN told me to hop on the scale…157 appeared! Clothed! This is my lowest weight. Wow! This is exciting for me for a multitude of reasons but the one that stands out is that I know that I have a minimum of 8 lbs of skin (as per my doctors and plastic surgeon) sooooo that puts my ‘true weight’ at 149 and for my height …that make me ‘average weight’ on the BMI scale and I’ve lost over 88% of my excess body weight (they don’t count the 5 lbs I gained in the first 2 weeks of the program but I do). WTF?! ahhhh. To top this off, 110/71 blood pressure!

I remember when I first went to this clinic and I saw this toilet seat. I was shocked but excited. ‘These people get it’ is what I thought. Then—this toilet seat was much more comfortable than the normal size ones. Now—I kinda sunk in which I literally laughed aloud.

I, recently, joined this challenge called Live More Challenge. The founder’s thought process is that if we live more now, we will weigh less later (in simplistic terms). The hope is to teach us to live more and to enjoy ourselves and our lives. Each day you’re given a challenge. I was skeptical but the first day was to buy fresh cut flowers for yourself and display them. I can’t tell you how great that felt. Mollie was supportive (well..kinda..with a little bribery)

I’ve recently been reading and listening to pod casts about emotional eating and weight loss. The consensus is the same…we (emotional eaters, over eaters, binge eaters) eat for a reason; to fill a void. We have replaced emotions with food and, although maybe it made us feel better in a moment, it left us with bodies that we no longer are proud of and, subsequently, have put our lives on hold for. I know that I’ve been guilty of playing this perfect life scenario in my head; one in which when I’m thin, I’ll do this and I’ll do that. I like how this creator says ‘have fun now’. This plays into everything I’ve been trying to evolve into and this new mentality that was forced upon me with the sudden death of Paul: life is short; live it. Tomorrow is not promised. It’s important to live the life you have right now; not the life you hope to have in the future. “If only I was thinner” “When the kids are older” “when I’m out of debt” “When I have X amount of dollars” Forget all of those excuses and just do it. Figure out what brings you joy, get out of your comfort zone and do it.

20160605_114906 — A co-worker gave me a little basil sprout-ling. I went to Home Depot at like 9pm to pick out a pretty pot and soil instead of eating. I planted it the following day.

20160605_134745 — Lisa and I love to just do things together. We love to walk at the lake. This past weekend, we got a cheap-o kite and flew it at the lake. We also ran around and we played Frisbee.

Another philosophy that I’m working on integrating into my life is mindful eating and listening to my body. I have heard this so many times before. I’ve read lots of books that have stated the same thing. And in the beginning of my weight loss journey I heard it again. I guess it just didn’t resonate with me until now. I’m trying to get to where I want to be–fit, healthy, active, happy and satisfied. Nearing goal weight has made me really think about the big picture. What after this? I think I have got to let some really bad habits go. I’m waaaay better than I used to be but I can improve. I want to improve so that I don’t slip. Hunger is a physical thing–I’m trying to focus on that. Seems simple, right? But how many times have you eaten when you literally aren’t hungry? you know you have. Now, with my surgery—I can’t be extremely rigid with this as my hormones are different than the normal person as I don’t produce grehlin hormone as the normal person. But I can be mindful as to if it truly is hunger that I’m eating for or if it’s emotion. Another tip I heard was to be distraction free at meal time. This is a biiig one for me. I live alone and I eat almost all of my meals on the couch or in bed or standing in the kitchen. So my new goal is to stop this. I plan to sit and eat; not be on the phone either. I, also, bought some cloth napkins and napkin holders.

20160607_070147 — Today I enjoyed my breakfast and lunch, distraction free, on my patio. It was lovely. And I was aware of what and how much I was eating. I listened to my body and knew EXACTLY when I was full.

So…what does your face look like when your plastic surgeon tells you “Jessica, don’t lose any more weight”?

I had my last follow up appointment with my surgeon regarding my January surgery. Everything is perfect except a small dog ear on my right armpit. But it’s minor and fixable. We discussed my BIG surgery: 360 abdominoplasty! I’m beyond ecstatic! We are planning for November 10 of this year. He gave me the choice of fixing the dog ear in the office with local or I can wait til November and he will fix it while I’m under. Well, it isn’t painful and barely noticeable so I opted to be knocked out. Ha ha.

I am beyond excited about this. This will be the week of the 2nd anniversary of my surgery and Paul’s death. It will be an epic finale and the finishing touch to what I started 2 years ago. He would be so proud. This will, also, allow me time off of work during the anniversary. I know myself and I wouldn’t be fit to work. It’s much too hard. So…two birds, one stone.

But, seriously, he told me not to lose anymore weight! I laughed, truly. I thought he was joking buuut he wasn’t. I told him…’maybe just 5 more pounds’. He asked me why and I quoted the BMI chart and he laughed at me. Never in my life have I been told that I didn’t need to lose anymore weight. It’s odd but satisfying.

And for your viewing pleasure…a picture of the pup with the roughest life ever…Mollie…

6 Weeks: Getting Stronger Graphic Images

March 7, 2016 Jessica Leave a comment

6wkjean — These are suppose to be my ‘goal jeans’ but I can button em soooo I wore them out yesterdays. Bam! Holy booty batman. Size 29 low rise bell bottom jeans!

These last two weeks have seemed to drag on and pass too quickly all at the same time. Physically, I’m getting stronger. I feel a little better; a little more like myself each day. I haven’t been sleeping too well lately. I know I have a lot on my mind. Like I said in my previous post, March is an emotionally heightened month for me.

I can’t believe in just a couple weeks, I’ll be 30 and Paul and I would have celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary. It’s rough to think about. And still seems unreal. His picture sits on our mantle and sometimes I just look at it and kinda have a conversation with him. I don’t believe he is here in any sense other than my own memories and the memories of others; but there’s some type of comfort in ‘talking’ to him. I was doing my crunches the other day and I looked up and saw that picture: I was like bet you’d never believe you’d see me doing this so diligently. And I kinda chuckled. Then I was sad. I’m sad now.

Lisa and I just celebrated our 1st anniversary. Wow. Let that sink in. I can’t believe it’s been a year; in so many aspects. She is incredible. We have such a good time together. We don’t fight or argue. We don’t lack passion. She gets me. We just enjoy each other’s company. She makes me want to keep pressing forward and supports my healthier lifestyle (even when I don’t want to). We have already had so many adventures and both ventured outside of our comfort zones and never once regretted it. We are going to the Bahamas in less than 2 weeks and we are beyond thrilled. On the flip side, it’s been a year that I’ve been with someone other than Paul. It’s been 480 days since I saw Paul; since I heard his voice. I think he’d want me to be happy. In fact, I know he would. Despite knowing this, it doesn’t make it any easier. I miss that goofy guy.

I have had several follow ups with my physicians and had my concerns addressed. I spoke to my primary doctor about my weight (number) obsession and where I need/supposed to be. She told me that she thinks it is absolutely reasonable to get to a weight which would allow me to NOT have a diagnosis (i.e. overweight). According to the BMI, she would like to see me at 147lbs. I am currently weighing in at about 158. As per my plastic surgeon, I am ‘allowed’ to lose up to 12lbs without worry of disrupting my plastic surgery. And I have, approximately, 7-10 lbs of skin left to remove. Anyways, those are the numbers. I know a lot of you don’t agree with watching the numbers. But when we completely ignore the numbers, it’s easier to slip. It’s easy to add a lb here, a lb there until we have now packed on 20 lbs or more. I’ve done it so I know first hand. The scale is not a measurement of who you are. It is merely a measurement of how much you LITERALLY weigh. I choose to use it as an accountability tool; not as a means to define me as a person but, rather, as way to keep me on the track I worked so hard to be on. My dietitian and exercise physiologist have agreed that weighing weekly is a good way to stay on track. It works for me. So that’s what I plan to do.

My plastic surgeon told me that the skin at my elbows is normal and allows room for my elbow to bend. I didn’t really believe him so I’ve been checking out EVERYONE’S elbows that I pass. And, more often that not, that skin is there except on the very skinny people. Weird. I’ve never noticed before. He told me to continue to take it easy on my arms, that they are healing still, and to pay close attention to my elbows as to not bump them. That piece of skin under my right arm is a ‘dog ear’ which is a fairly common complication with skin removal. He told me that it’s easily fixed in the office but would like to give my body 8 more weeks to heal. My right boob is so much better. The bruising is gone but it hasn’t completely settled down. It’s still sore and hurts. My t-rex arms are getting better. I can reach things a lot better now. I’m still numb on the lower half of both breasts and the backs of my arms. It makes it difficult to get comfortable. I still am having to sleep on my back and prop my arms on pillows to be comfortable. It’s difficult to explain. It’s not necessarily painful (on my arms; it is on my right boob) to put pressure on it; it’s just weird because it’s numb. Like, I can feel, internally, that pressure is being put on my arms but I can’t actually feel it superficially. It’s not a pleasant sensation.

Arm progression — I’m super pleased with my arm incisions and my range of motion is improving.

6wk — Going out for the first time since surgery. First time EVER to go out without a bra!!

I’ve stayed on track with exercising. I’ve done a minimum of 200 crunches every night for over 2 weeks. I’ve now incorporated arm training and squats (alternating days). It feels pretty good. I’m really hoping to get more consistent on my morning walks but I’ve just been so tired from not sleeping well that it hasn’t been happening like I’d like it to but I do plan on going tomorrow morning.

2 weeks_ 200 crunches — Not noticing much progression but I’m feeling better.

Where’s my satisfaction? Where’s my happiness?

February 6, 2016 Jessica 2 Comments

**Right boob update: so the mystery is solved. I had forgotten that 3 days ago, a co-worker accidentally punched me in the right boob. I was following behind her and she went to take off her jacket and **whack** right in the right boob where all the bruising is! It knocked the wind outta me. I’m thankful that we figured this out. And don’t be hard on my co worker–it was totally an accident, she’s amazing! She even drew on my boob to outline the bruise so I could track it’s progression/regression!

“Wow” “I don’t even recognize you” “You look amazing” “You have done so much”. These are all common compliments I get from a multitude of people. I wanted to take a moment and just thank everyone for all of the support. I truly appreciate it.

IMG_20160204_130442 — Size 7/9 jeans. Low Rise.

Today, I visited my old floor. I transferred about 4 months ago. It always feels like home when I visit even though there are so many new faces. When I visit, I always hope for some juicy trauma drama gossip but my weight loss and surgery usually are the topic. I’m sure that’ll change over time. I enjoy talking about my journey; it’s been a long one. I love talking with these wonderful women who have known me since 2013 and have seen me at my heaviest and they were there when I started my weight loss journey and when Paul died, they were there to pick to me up. They have shown me unconditional love and compassion and support and I’m eternally grateful to these wonderful ladies. So, it should not come at any surprise that they are all just so absolutely supportive and positive towards me and the progress that I’ve made with my health, weight and body transformation.

Today, I was met with all smiling faces and kind words. I have been just a bundle of emotions since the beginning of the year (well, really since November 12, 2014–if I’m totally honest) and it has peaked since having surgery. I’ve touched on it a bit in a previous blog but this plastic surgery has really messed with my head. I was fully prepared for pain and recovery; I wasn’t prepared for exhaustion and mental torture. Okay, maybe that’s a bit dramatic, but, at times, that’s exactly what it feels like. I was all ready to knock this plastic surgery out and get to where I want to be but I’ve had a reality check.

I’m struggling with my identity and who I see in the mirror. I will never forget: standing in the shower. Naked. Lisa standing by to help me get my bandages/dressings off. I felt the water run down my body. I look to my left and, in the mirror, there she is; that girl. Frankenstein girl. Incisions. Perky boobs. Thin arms. I can see a her rib cage. And the room spins. I’m dizzy. Disoriented. My hearing is muffled. I’m slightly nauseated. And, for a second, I thought I’d pass out. Lisa helped me to the bed. I can’t remember the steps between the shower and my bed. And I laid on my back, on my bed, eyes shut. And I hear her calm voice, “it’s okay. I’m here”.

I’ve worked so hard and made a lot of sacrifices to get where I am today. I feel like my whole life has built to this point. I loved Paul; I love Paul. I will say it over and over because it is always true and pertinent. Although, as most know, it was never my ‘dream’ to get married or to have a family. Don’t get me wrong, I just want to be clear; I’ve said it many times: he was the dream I never knew I wanted; he was a love I never knew existed and, not for one second, have I ever regretted any moment we had together. That aside, you know what my dreams were? I wanted to be a successful career woman, self-sufficient and THIN. That’s what I wanted. Maybe it seems a bit shallow, but having been the fat girl for as long as I can recall…I wanted that. I wanted to look like the ‘regular girls’. I wanted to feel comfortable in my skin. I wanted to travel and not think about my hips squeezed into an airplane seat. And, now…I have that. Where’s my satisfaction? Where’s my happiness? That’s what was supposed to happen, right? I’ve shed the weight. I’ve met every one of my weight loss goals. I’ve got these perky boobs and slender arms. My god man; it’s, literally, all I’ve ever dreamed it could be.

My former co-worker and I were chatting. She said some things that really shook me. She described her impression of me, of first knowing me. (I’m paraphrasing) ‘To look at you, you were this shy, timid girl and now I see this confident girl that shines’. I was taken aback because I don’t know when that happened. I guess although I have these mounds and mounds of self-doubt that there is something under there. I just gotta dig it out. So, that gives me hope. Maybe I can’t see it quite yet but others do and that gives me hope.

It really is a constant battle; between what you think you want, what you actually want and what actually is. I’m so thankful for all these wonderful people in my life. Without you, I don’t know where I would be.

Transformation Through Loss