Be Kind: To Others and Your Own Self

Boudoir 2017: Empower Me Pose
Boudoir 2017: Empower Me Pose

 

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The world is spinning but I’m walking perfectly straight–Except the physical world is not spinning but rather the world inside me turns upside down and inside out. To those around you, you’re put together. “Wow. You’re so strong. I don’t know how you do it.” That one is a common statement a widow hears. I can tell you this…just as with anyone else going though anything traumatic: the outside typically doesn’t match the inside; and that there is me.

“Hold it together. Don’t let them see you stumble. You have to be perfect,” says the voice inside my anxiety, grief stricken, perfectionist mind. Makes me think of the lyric in Miranda Lambert’s song Mama’s Broken Heart that says “Don’t matter how you feel, it only matter how you look…hide your crazy and start actin’ like a lady ‘cause I raised  you better, gotta keep it together even when you fall apart”. Not that my mom pushed that on me; maybe my grandma a little, who knows. But it is absolutely how I feel.

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Towards the end of summer 2017, I approached my breaking point and was in a full on grief/depressive/anxiety cycle well before the typical November time period. I realized that I was feeling quite a bit different from how I’d felt in past years. It is like I could see me falling in slow motion but unable to stop it. I tried to use some new coping skills I’ve acquired through self-reflection and therapy. Feel the good; let go of the bad. Release the burden. Listen to yourself. And after an emotional and life altering family trip in August, I removed myself from social media (Facebook and Instagram). I started going to therapy monthly and I started working on myself.

Five months later, I’m so much better. I feel as though I have made some tremendous growth in my personal and professional life. I’m past the holidays that I so greatly dread every year since we lost Paul.

I wasn’t sure if my blog actually reached anyone but I’ve had several people reach out to me and I feel validated and motivated to pick it back up J With my absence from social media, maybe you’d like a bit of an update on the past several months. I’ll expand on some of these in upcoming blogs but here’s a brief recap:

  1. I’ve gone places: Florida where Lisa and I realized how truly unique and amazing our relationship is; where a friendship dear to my heart ended. Colorado where we zip lined in the Rockies and slept in a VW van! Texas where we had our family Christmas and Emily felt validated.
  2. Had a boudoir shoot
  3. Had an uncomfortable boundary setting conversation with a family member
  4. Started to decorate my house
  5. Cut off burden/financial support to my dad
  6. Developed and deepened my relationship with my sister
  7. Stopped exercising
  8. Organized various areas in my home
  9. Drank more alcohol than I usually do
  10. Deep cleaned multiple areas of my home including painting my guest bath
  11. Lost connection (in conversation) with several people
  12. Went to a nursing consortium that was mind blowing causing a shift in my mindset
  13. First “fight” with Lisa; first “fight” with Emily; reached and overcame potential breaking point of our relationship
  14. Became passionate about combatting incivility in the work place
  15. Spent way too much money
  16. Am currently in remission of my slave to my ball and chain {i.e. scale}; currently maintaining my weight fluctuating from 153-160; and I’m okay with it!
  17. Battled with some crippling depression and overwhelming anxiety
  18. Found new depth within my relationships that are dearest to my heart
  19. Currently battling with a stomach ulcer
  20. Was recognized as Employee of the Quarter by my peers
  21. Started reupholstering my antique chairs
  22. Learned how to anchor
  23. Cleaned out the garage for Lisa to park
  24. Set a date for Lisa to move in| Postponed move in date
  25. Went to a Sexy Basics exercise class with my work peeps
  26. Implemented combating incivility in the workplace; have had a lot of personal success with it
  27. My brother turned 30; My sister makes some major life decisions and I support her
  28. Decided to attain a National Nursing Certification; got department to provide books J
  29. Got my momma up and walking several times a week with my sister and I
  30. Stopped walking when Christmas came around
  31. Improved communication between my immediate family
  32. Learned to sew on my sewing machine; made an apron
  33. Stood my ground with a leader in my department; getting better at staying calm/grounded
  34. Went 3 weeks without spending ANY frivolous money
  35. PURGED CLEANED ORGANIZED PURGED CLEANED ORGANIZED
  36. Cleared a drawer and a rod in the closet for Lisa; working on making my home ours
  37. Working on vocalizing needs versus analyzing other’s actions/words constantly
  38. Ate a few too many sweets; Do we see a cycle here?
  39. Had genetic sensitivity testing for my antidepressant/antianxiolitic medications; experiencing success with a new medication but with side effect L
  40. Was sick over the New Year holiday but spent a lot of time with my Lisa which made me happy.
  41. I tell Lisa specifically what I need; Lisa fulfills said need
  42. Maintained boundaries even when it hurt
  43. Leaned on relationships at work; promoting positivity in the workplace; encouraging others
  44. Recognition and validation of short comings within myself and their impact on past relationships; Live and learn
  45. Listening more; talking less. Ask more questions; criticize less
  46. Hearing, Learning and implementing: what’s so wrong with giving someone what they need? If it costs you nothing, what’s the harm? What a novel concept.
  47. Melding the following mottos into my life: What we accept, we PROMOTE; and, Being fat (or insert anything you battle with) is hard, Being thin (Insert something you struggle to attain) is hard: pick YOUR hard!
  48. Had a heart to heart with Lisa’s oldest and it went really well
  49. Have felt the pain/struggle of a “step-parent” role even though I’m not technically one
  50. And currently: working on healing my mind/life/emotional state much like my ulcer: rest, limitations/boundaries, “medications” and once healed preventing further “break downs” with maintenance similar to the previous statement.

This, of course, is not an all-inclusive list but rather hits the highlights of the last several months. It has been a time of incredible growth for me. I don’t say that in a elitist or snobbish manner but, rather with a voice of amazement. How inconceivable it seems that a person could go through this much and I can guarantee each of you who are close to me will think “I had no idea”. This leads me back to the beginning of this entry. In the mind of a person who battles with grief, depression and anxiety concurrently the world is spinning—but those of us who view ourselves as “functioning” walk a seemly straight line. I’ll end this one with a quote that is all too true: Be Kind, for everyone you met is fighting a battle you know nothing about –Wend Mass.

 

Much Love,

Jess J

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Toasting Rose Regale Champagne with my niece, sisters and mom in Dallas for Christmas 2017
Toasting Rose Regale Champagne with my niece, sisters and mom in Dallas for Christmas 2017
Boudoir shoot 2017
Boudoir shoot 2017

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Incivility guest speaker at work...I go in on my day off because I'm that excited and passionate.
Incivility guest speaker at work…I go in on my day off because I’m that excited and passionate.
Creating a wine/bar nook!
Creating a wine/bar nook!
Of course there were lots of Mollie snuggles. She was spoiled over the holidays.
Of course there were$ lots of Mollie snuggles. She was spoiled over the holidays.

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Emily's last "child" Christmas 2017
Emily’s last “child” Christmas 2017
Jamie and Roxie: 2006 vs 2017
Jamie and Roxie: 2006 vs 2017

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Mom, Jamie and my niece: 2017 Christmas karaoke!
Mom, Jamie and my niece: 2017 Christmas karaoke!
"Pinkies up!" Chocolate Secrets is a must stop when visiting the Dallas area for the first time!
“Pinkies up!” Chocolate Secrets is a must stop when visiting the Dallas area for the first time!
2017 Warm Christmas Volunteering!
2017 Warm Christmas Volunteering!

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2017 Boudoir shoot! Learned how to give a pouty face by a professional
2017 Boudoir shoot! Learned how to give a pouty face by a professional

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2018 Volunteering at the Free to Live Sanctuary
2018 Volunteering at the Free to Live Sanctuary
2017 Thanksgiving with the Ashworths. Getting some air and soaking in some sun rays with Shellie, my MIL.
2017 Thanksgiving with the Ashworths. Getting some air and soaking in some sun rays with Shellie, my MIL.
2 year post op brachioplasty scar
2 year post op brachioplasty scar

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Happy 2018!
Happy 2018!
Warm Christmas bags for charity
Warm Christmas bags for charity
Sexy Basics class: Candlestick chair trick 2018
Sexy Basics class: Candlestick chair trick 2018
Family is everything (I licked her)
Family is everything (I licked her)
Mollie was puppy shamed after eating ALL the puppy Christmas treats for her cousins!
Mollie was puppy shamed after eating ALL the puppy Christmas treats for her cousins!
Secret Puppy Santa was a success!!!
Secret Puppy Santa was a success!!!
Volunteering at the Cattery at Free to Live
Volunteering at the Cattery at Free to Live
She makes my work life better!
She makes my work life better!

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2018 Teaze
2018 Teaze
Third Christmas together
Third Christmas together
Free to Live
Free to Live

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Thorough sewing lesson from the best work bestie ever!
Thorough sewing lesson from the best work bestie ever!

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Living that crazy nurse life
Living that crazy nurse life
"McCartney" Christmas 2017 Autumn put her finger up my butt--hence the face!
“McCartney” Christmas 2017
Autumn put her finger up my butt–hence the face!
Smoke Hookah with mom for the first time...all three of us got to be there!
Smoke Hookah with mom for the first time…all three of us got to be there!
Coffee with the bestie who supports your shenanigans even far away in Austin!
Coffee with the bestie who supports your shenanigans even far away in Austin!
Like mother like daughter
Like mother like daughter