Monthly Archives: March 2016

Thirty Years Old

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30th birthday

I’m thirty. Holy hell. When did that happen? It seems like moments ago I was 17 and 21 seemed so far away. Now I’m 30. Wow. Am I upset about it? Do I feel old? No and no. I haven’t been emotional about leaving my 20’s behind. I’ve kinda looked forward to my 30’s. I mean that is when you’re supposed to have your shit together, be wiser, more established and hit your sexual peak. So, hell ya. Bring on the 30’s. I made this list when I was 18 of ‘things I want to do by 25 and 30″. I pulled it out and reviewed it. Of the 45 things listed, I’ve completed 30 of 45. Several I’ll probably knock off this year and several that I don’t want to do anymore. I’m feeling pretty good about that.

Lisa and I spent my birthday in the Bahamas! We did a dolphin excursion on my birthday. How many of ya’ll can say that you kissed a dolphin on your 30th? Well, I can and Salvador was a complete gentleman even though he was a little demanding of belly rubs. Luckily, Mollie (my uber adorable and not too spoiled mini schnauzer) trained me well for belly rubs. I’m like an expert. We ended the day at a fancy Japanese restaurant with mediocre food. But, hey, we were in the Bahamas so all was wonderful. The whole week was wonderful. I love that I got to spend all that time with one of my favorite people in this world. We drank too much and ate too much. We laughed til we cried. We danced even when noone else was on the floor. We sported our bikinis and made fun of the seagulls. We spent a number of hours people watching from our balcony and listening to waves crash into the shore. I can say that my birthday celebration was more than I hoped for.

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My very first bikini and I rocked it out at the beach in the Bahamas!

There’s only been one sad reflection on turning 30 and I’m sure you can guess what: Paul. He died just a couple weeks after his 30th birthday. In just a couple weeks, I will have lived longer than he did and it’s just not fair. I think about his last birthday. It was so wonderful. It was perfect. I’m so very glad that it worked out as I planned and that so many of our friends and family were able to join. I’m glad that was how his last birthday took place–surrounded by lots of love and goofiness. He got to eat pizza. I got him an awesome ninja turtles cake and decked him out in ninja turtle gear. He got the Armani Black Code that he’d been fantasizing over for months! (I still have it…I won’t lie…sometimes I steal a sniff or two) We bowled. Drank. Danced. He got tied up and received a duck tape wax job. I got to lay on the bar and he did a body shot. We got kicked outta the club because he was just toooo friendly. Thank goodness for our buddy, Bryan. Ended the night with his favorite club sandwich at iHop and salsa danced with the waiter outside afterwards. Sigh. I’m glad his birthday was so epic-ally awesome.

Literally and figuratively, I take Paul everywhere I go. He is, of course, always in heart and on my mind. I always wear my necklace that holds a few of his ashes. I started the tradition of leaving a piece of him every new place I visit. I love to leave him at the beach. He loved to frolick in all types of water so it’s so fitting to leave him there.

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Places Paul is now: The Smoky Mountains Coranado Beach U.S.S. Midway (San Diego) Cocoa Beach (Florida) Mt. Rushmore Paradise Island (The Bahamas)

The Bahamas was no different. I took him with me. Lisa and I walked the beach and found a peaceful spot. I grabbed a handful of ash and I sprinkled him into the water and the waves took him away. I love the thought of sharing him with the world. 

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Leaving some of Paul in the Bahamas

This was the year that Paul and I were suppose to start a family. I’m a little sad about that. My clock isn’t ticking though. For all that know me, they know I never have wanted children. I was going to have one for him. And though I’d trade anything to have him here and to experience parenthood with him; I’m okay saying that I don’t plan to ever have children now.

In thirty years, I’ve managed to accomplish more than what I ever anticipated. I’ve graduated and started my nursing career. I have a wonderful and supportive family. I have my dream home. I met and married the love of my life.   I got my boob job (yep, it was on the list). I’ve gotten to start traveling. I sky dived. I’m financially stable and have a diversified portfolio. I’ve done things outside of my comfort zone. I’m at a healthy weight and, physically, am the healthiest I’ve ever been. I’m satisfied with where these thirty years have taken me. I’m excited to see where the next will lead me.

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Face to Face. 2012 vs Now.

Love Over Toxicity

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Oh we have all experienced them. I, admittedly, have been one of them: a toxic friend.  We have all heard the term but I wanted a better definition so I went to the tried and true: Google. I’m not one for WebMD but the article that I found had some very moving words and I couldn’t say it better myself:

“The phrase ‘toxic friend’ is pop psychology,” says Jenn Berman, PhD, apsychologist in private practice in Beverly Hills, Calif. “I would say it’s someone who, after spending time with them, makes you feel bad about yourself instead of good; someone who tends to be critical of you — sometimes in a subtle way and sometimes not so subtle; a friend who drains you emotionally, financially, or mentally, and they’re not very good for you.” (http://www.webmd.com/women/features/toxic-friends-less-friend-more-foe?page=2)

You may wonder why I’m posting about this on my transformation page. Well, recently there have been events that have transpired that have really ruffled my feathers. Lisa has a friend (I use this term very loosely) that is the epitome of a toxic friend. Lisa and I have now been dating for over a year. We have a had and continue to have a very healthy and balanced relationship and friendship. Sadly, I have seen her be abused by this friend over the course of our relationship. She is, in my opinion, a miserable person. And we all know what they say about misery…

She doesn’t like me. Okay. Whatever. It hurt my feelers in the beginning but I can absolutely say that I have tried to have common ground with her and she rejects me. She is the type of person who is the victim of their own circumstance. You know the kind: poor, poor pitiful me. We are all adults. We made our choices. We lead our own lives.

I know that I’ve experienced my own growing pains with friendships. I have had two friendships that lasted 15 and 20 years that haven’t panned out the way that they should have. When you’ve been friends that many years, isn’t it supposed to last forever? That’s kinda the mentality but it’s not the reality. I can say that in both of my friendships that I had my fair share of the ‘blame’ (for lack of a better word). I could go on and on about them. I could point fingers and give a running score card of who did what to whom but what would that accomplish? Not a whole lot. I have spent a whole hell of a lot of time analyzing why things didn’t work out. I’ve written letters and texts trying to mend fences; spent countless hours talking with other friends about the ‘betrayals’ of said friendships. In the moments of analyzing these friendships, it only made me miserable and they lost nothing. Although, I like to take a lesson from everything I experience. And these broken friendships have taught me many things.

Jealousy is an evil, evil thing. There is no room for it in…really anything but, especially, a friendship. It tears you down and, worse yet, it destroys your friendship. Be happy for your friend’s success. It’s not a competition.

Articulation and communication is a must. No one out there is a mind reader. I don’t care how long you’ve known each other; there’s no person in this world that knows EXACTLY what you’re thinking all of the time. Not possible. All too often, we lash out at those that we care about. We use the wrong emotions and get an undesired outcome. Such as with my failed friendship: I got angry and blamed her for forgetting about me and choosing her bf over me. I lashed out and acted like a child not getting her way. When in actuality, I was sad and I missed my friend. I wasn’t able to articulate that at the time. And while this wasn’t the sole reason for the destruction of our friendship, it was a main contributor.

Relationships of all kinds are work. You can’t expect someone to make YOUR friendship work. We get too caught up in: she did this and she didn’t do that and poor me poor me. We fail to realize that just like with anything in this life: you get what you give. You aren’t gonna get that promotion at work if you don’t do the work. You won’t get the date with the girl at the coffee shop if you don’t ask her out. Just the same, you can’t expect to have an intimate friendship if you don’t nurture it sometimes.

Be kind; be understanding. We all have our struggles. Each and every one of us are fighting battles not known by others. Be compassionate. Give the benefit of the doubt. Don’t be so hasty to judge.

And if you’ve done all these things and still your friendship sucks, call a spade a spade. Really, all people have a purpose in your life and sometimes that purpose isn’t what you expected. You don’t have to be miserable about that. My dad once told me that I’d be LUCKY to have just a couple true friends. I thought he was full of it at the time because I had sooo many friends but now I realize that his assertion was spot on.

This life is just too precious and too short to waste it being miserable. If you’re miserable, you have the ability to change it. I truly believe that.  As for Lisa’s friend, the protective person in me wants to call her all kinds of names and tell her where to go; but the wiser person in me wishes her peace. I think she’s sad that her friendship with Lisa isn’t what it once was. I think she’s unfulfilled in her own life. I think that she’s jealous of the positive changes that Lisa has made. I think that she doesn’t say what she actually feels. And maybe none of these thoughts are true but I know this to be true: Lisa  is a good person. She is kind and generous. She is thoughtful. She is a great friend. She has had her share of grief; her share of let downs. She deserves to be happy. Maybe what we have will last forever; maybe it won’t. But I’ll tell you this, if your ‘friend’ can’t be happy for you when you are happiest, what kind of friend is that? And THAT has absolutely nothing to do with me.

 

Lisa posted this sweet quote on my Facebook wall today about falling in love

and I wrote the following response. I think it is rather on point. In spite of everything I have gone through and though I’d never wish it on anyone, I feel so very fortunate to have found two amazing loves; two amazing people who love(d) me in spite of all of my flaws and have made my life all the better.

Fall in love with someone who knows your favorite color is green and that you like just a little cream and sugar in your coffee…like the color of a caramel milk chocolate.
 
Fall in love with someone who delights in tickling your side and biting your nose just because it makes you giggle so hard; because you are the girl who asserts that you don’t girl but clearly that someone makes you. Fall in love with someone who makes memes to make you laugh or finds memes to make you smile on a long work day or just because.
 
Fall in love with someone who lays their head on your chest and can tell that you’re nervous or that you are calm. Fall in love with someone who has an abnormally strong abdominal aorta and makes you feel their ‘baby’
 
Fall in love with someone who licks your face in public and has classifications of public licking in terms of green frog/blue frog. Fall in love with someone that you can always be silly with and neither of you care how you to look to others.
 
Fall in love with someone who doesn’t have to show you off because your love shows itself off without even trying.
 
Fall in love with someone unexpected; someone who is your opposite but your equal. Fall in love with someone who makes your life better without even trying. Fall in love with someone that builds you up.
 
Fall in love with someone who puts your needs above their own; someone who thinks about what they will order for dinner and amends it to fit your tastes.
 
Fall in love with someone who sees who you are; who loves you for all that you are and sees all that you can be. Fall in love with someone who nurtures that in you.
 
Fall in love with someone that thinks your snores are adorable. Fall in love with someone that you would let your arm rot off from lack of circulation because you don’t want to let go of them.
 
Above all, fall in love with the person that you truly deserve because you deserve to be happy. You deserve to live a life you never dreamed possible. You deserve to experience a love beyond your dreams.

Second Wedding Anniversary

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On a windy, cloudy day I was surrounded by friends and family as I vowed to always cherish Paul. Yesterday marked our four year wedding anniversary. It marked the second of which I “celebrated” it without my husband.

I knew this year would be significantly different from last year. Last year, I was surrounded by so many people. It was as if everyone was trying to protect me. I had lots of friends that were being very supportive and active in my life. This year I felt more alone. Noone asked me what I was doing for our anniversary this year. Noone invited me to do anything this year. Noone gave suggestions on what to do. I wasn’t upset by this; I just knew that this was way different than last year. I wasn’t sure how I was going to feel so I was determined to not make any certain plans. Well yesterday came and I literally had nothing to do. No plans. I hadn’t spoken to anyone about their schedules.

The last two weeks have been so difficult for me. I’ve been extra sad. I haven’t been sleeping well. I have been dreaming about Paul; only to wake to him not being there. It’s traumatic for those first waking moments-for just a moment when I first wake, he’s not gone; he didn’t die. Then it’s realizing that was a dream and that my life without him is the reality. And it’s heart wrenching. It makes me not want to sleep; it makes me fear sleeping. There have been times when I want to sleep just so I can see him but the ‘loss’ in the morning is so hard to bear. It sounds absurd but it’s the best way I know how to explain it.

Yesterday, I woke crying. Lisa was by my side and she tried her best to console me. It’s hard for me in those moments because my instinct is to conceal what I’m feeling. Although, when my feelings are that intense; it’s not possible. After she left, I had myself a good cry. I pulled my hair and I screamed. And it was terrible but necessary. I guess I tired myself out because I drifted back to sleep. I got around to getting a mani/pedi. I got a couple balloons, champagne and drove out to Stars & Stripes Park where we exchanged our vows 4 years ago. To my dismay, there were crowds of people and the champagne bottle was a pop top. Ugh. I struggled with the bottle for a good 20 minutes before popping it with my seat belt. I walked to the spot we stood at that day. I listened to Pandora and my Train station almost always plays Marry Me which was the song I was supposed to walk to but Paul forgot the boom box that day. That song played in my ear, I pictured that look he had on his face as Chris spoke and I let the balloons go. I watched as they disappeared into the sky. I sat on the ledge where our wine box sat, I had a drink and read the homily that Chris spoke that day:

In our culture today we express to each other two conflicting ideals. On one hand commitment is extremely important. We publicly admonish anyone who is unfaithful. Those who go against the ideal of commitment are subversive and are in some ways cast out. On the other hand we support and promote an absolute sense of self. We believe that the individual, their morals, passions, and aspirations are of extreme value and regard.

How can we reconcile this? How can an absolute sense of self and an absolute dedication to commitment co-exist?

That question is how we define marriage for our generation.

The contradiction exists in trying to forge your own path while sharing your life with another.

Yet, that is our strength. The belief in ones self is what ultimately makes us the best that we can be. Our sense of self and our drive to achieve our identity makes us whole. The whole person is the person that achieves loves. Because, love is an achievement, not a given.

Love is not a fleeting connection from across a room when two eyes meet; it’s soup and crackers when your sick. Love is not a first dates kiss; it’s that text message you get at lunch asking how your day is. Love is not roses and chocolates; it’s laughing with each other even though moments ago you were yelling at each other. Love is less about what’s ahead of you and more about what’s behind you. Because loving what you’ve done together before will prepare you for anything ahead.

There is an old cliche. Marriage is hard work. The idea expresses that love, relationships, and especially marriage are not for the feint of heart and not for those who are unwilling to put in the work. The cliche is old but is so true. Marriage is work. Much in the same way that a beautiful garden is work. Some days you can sit and admire the breath taking view. Smell the flowers and relish in the color and comfort. Another day you’re adding to the garden or taking away from. Before you know it, however, you might be knee deep in a pile of dirt, pulling the weeds, and praying for rain. -Chris Munoz

Lisa got me a green wine glasses and a lobster bottle stopper. I’ll share the lobster story another day. Although, many of you already know it’s significance. We went and had green beer. We came home and we watched the wedding video. Oh how I missed his voice. I replayed the ‘I love you baby’ several times. And I was happy to share that moment with Lisa. And this is just one of the things that makes her truly special. She respects and accepts my love. She actively participates. I’m truly lucky.

This anniversary was, by far, the hardest so far. My heart felt as though it was literally breaking. I don’t ever foresee a day when this will be easy or be just another day. I’m okay with that. Every year, I’ll look back on that special day; I’ll celebrate it in some way until the day I die.

And now we are preparing for our trip to the Bahamas. Paul will be joining us. I will be leaving a piece of Paul there because everywhere I go, so shall he.

 

Could have been a mom; 8 weeks post op; To bikini or to not? **Graphic Images**

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First time to wear a bikini (as an adult) P.S. These bottoms…$2.52!!!

**insert something profound**

***loading….

I’ve got nothing. Zelch. I don’t even know if that’s how you spell that word but you get what I’m saying. These past couple nights have been really rough. With our upcoming wedding anniversary and my 30th birthday just shortly after, it has just left me feeling…a little empty. Four years we would have been married. This will be my second to “celebrate” without him. So officially I will have “celebrated” as many with him as without him. How sad. Four years of marriage. I think about what we would have done. We never really said. I think we would have gone somewhere tropical. He loved the water. He loved to frolick. I haven’t decided how to spend that day. It’s St Patty’s Day so there’s never a shortage of things to do. I’ve toyed around with the idea of a spa day. I’ll probably have green beer. And I hope my brother sends me the most recent cut of our wedding video but, even if he doesn’t, I’ll watch the one I have. I was going to open our wine box but I’ve decided to stick to the plan of opening it on our 5th anniversary.

I think about what this year once held. This would have been the year that we tried to start a family. Well..to expand our family. I never wanted children. Ever. In fact, if you’re close to me you’ve probably heard the story about our first conversation about children. It was the week of 4th of July in 2010. He took me to meet his mom for the first time. She was so nice and we instantly hit it off. One of the very first conversations that we ever had was her telling me how she couldn’t wait to be a grandma and what a wonderful dad Paul would be. Inside, I was gasping for air–while outside I awkwardly smiled and nodded my head at her. After the visit ended, we climbed into his blue trail blazer and started the drive back to my house and my heart was pounding. It was pounding because I knew I had to say it. I told him that he might should find another girl if he wanted children because I didn’t want to have any. I remember exactly where we were…driving down hefner, making the curve around where the fish ponds are and the hill begins towards Hefner lake right before the stop light…and he turned to me and he said that he guessed he wasn’t having kids because it was too late…he’d rather have me with no children than the alternative. He wasn’t joking. He was matter of the fact. Which if you knew Paul, that was rare and I knew that he was 100% serious. But somewhere along our relationship I began to see him in a different light. Like this was a man that would make a great dad. And I didn’t want to deny him that. And even though I never wanted children, I wouldn’t mind having a child with him. At some point, I envisioned us old; living in a house in the country with a wrap around porch; and grandchildren that always wanted to visit their grandpa. And we talked and we decided that we would have one child; just the one; when I turned 30. And now…I’m turning 30. And Paul…he never got to be a father. And we won’t be old together. And sometimes I close my eyes and I see that country house. And it just lives in my mind now with no chance of ever becoming a reality.

People, jokingly, ask ‘how’s it feel to be turning 30’ or ‘are you feeling old’? And I always chuckled back but in the back of my mind, the number means nothing to me because this birthday isn’t what it was supposed to be. And in a couple months, I will have officially lived longer than Paul got to be on this earth. And that sucks. So I’m not so excited about this birthday. I don’t feel old really. Contrary, I feel like I have so much left to do in my life and my whole life to get it done.

On a happier note, Lisa and I are going to the Bahamas for my 30th birthday! I’m gonna kiss a dolphin on my birthday and I’m pretty wickedly excited about that. After much debating, I bought a bathing suit; actually, two. And they are bikinis. This is a first for me. I am not saying that bigger girls shouldn’t wear bikinis. Girl, if you feel good in it–do it, rock it out. I admire those girls. I, on the other hand, am not one of those girls. I see every imperfection. And where I had these mounds of fat now is lots of jiggly skin and you can’t even see my belly button. I definitely don’t have a bikini body but I am very proud of how far I’ve come. And I do believe in self love. I think of it this way…sometimes you gotta fake it til you make it. I feel this way about the bikini. I’ll probably never have a perfect body. I’ll always be imperfect. I’ll always have jiggly parts and stretch marks. But I’ve done an amazing thing. I’ve lost over 180 lbs and if it were anyone else, I’d tell em to rock it out. So I’m taking my own advice.

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Bikini Confidence! You can ALMOST see my belly button. lol. Siiiiike!

On the weight loss front, I received an email from Dietbet.com congratulating me on my weightloss and wanting to feature me and my story on their website. I thought about it and almost didn’t respond because I’m not sure about their position on bariatric surgery but I decided to respond. And, hey, either way…it’s still pretty awesome to get a personal email congratulating me from the Head Referee Manager of Dietbet and asked to be part of the Hall of Fame.

Surgery wise: I’m about 8 weeks post op. I’m officially off weight restrictions and tomorrow will be my first day back at work without restriction. My surgeon has just told me to listen to my body as I continue to heal and if it hurts, don’t do it. I’m physically feeling stronger every day. I’ve stayed consistent in my weight training and continued to do a minimum of 200 crunches daily and each day alternating arm training and squats. I’ve started to form a bicep. Don’t laugh at me. Okay…yes it sounds funny BUT I’ve literally NEVER seen any muscle definition on any part of my body ever. It’s pretty exciting and it’s encouraging me to keep going.

Until next time, stay well ya’ll

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I can now fully extend both arms. The bruising is completely resolved on my right boob. Check out that upper right pic…yep, muscles! Eek!!! Feeling good. Feeling stronger.

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6 Weeks: Getting Stronger **Graphic Images**

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These are suppose to be my ‘goal jeans’ but I can button em soooo I wore them out yesterdays. Bam! Holy booty batman. Size 29 low rise bell bottom jeans!

These last two weeks have seemed to drag on and pass too quickly all at the same time. Physically, I’m getting stronger. I feel a little better; a little more like myself each day. I haven’t been sleeping too well lately. I know I have a lot on my mind. Like I said in my previous post, March is an emotionally heightened month for me.

I can’t believe in just a couple weeks, I’ll be 30 and Paul and I would have celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary. It’s rough to think about. And still seems unreal. His picture sits on our mantle and sometimes I just look at it and kinda have a conversation with him. I don’t believe he is here in any sense other than my own memories and the memories of others; but there’s some type of comfort in ‘talking’ to him. I was doing my crunches the other day and I looked up and saw that picture: I was like bet you’d never believe you’d see me doing this so diligently. And I kinda chuckled. Then I was sad. I’m sad now.

Lisa and I just celebrated our 1st anniversary. Wow. Let that sink in. I can’t believe it’s been a year; in so many aspects. She is incredible. We have such a good time together. We don’t fight or argue. We don’t lack passion. She gets me. We just enjoy each other’s company. She makes me want to keep pressing forward and supports my healthier lifestyle (even when I don’t want to). We have already had so many adventures and both ventured outside of our comfort zones and never once regretted it. We are going to the Bahamas in less than 2 weeks and we are beyond thrilled. On the flip side, it’s been a year that I’ve been with someone other than Paul. It’s been 480 days since I saw Paul; since I heard his voice. I think he’d want me to be happy. In fact, I know he would. Despite knowing this, it doesn’t make it any easier. I miss that goofy guy.

I have had several follow ups with my physicians and had my concerns addressed. I spoke to my primary doctor about my weight (number) obsession and where I need/supposed to be. She told me that she thinks it is absolutely reasonable to get to a weight which would allow me to NOT have a diagnosis (i.e. overweight). According to the BMI, she would like to see me at 147lbs. I am currently weighing in at about 158. As per my plastic surgeon, I am ‘allowed’ to lose up to 12lbs without worry of disrupting my plastic surgery. And I have, approximately, 7-10 lbs of skin left to remove. Anyways, those are the numbers. I know a lot of you don’t agree with watching the numbers. But when we completely ignore the numbers, it’s easier to slip. It’s easy to add a lb here, a lb there until we have now packed on 20 lbs or more. I’ve done it so I know first hand. The scale is not a measurement of who you are. It is merely a measurement of how much you LITERALLY weigh. I choose to use it as an accountability tool; not as a means to define me as a person but, rather, as way to keep me on the track I worked so hard to be on. My dietitian and exercise physiologist have agreed that weighing weekly is a good way to stay on track. It works for me. So that’s what I plan to do.

6 weeks

My plastic surgeon told me that the skin at my elbows is normal and allows room for my elbow to bend. I didn’t really  believe him so I’ve been checking out EVERYONE’S elbows that I pass. And, more often that not, that skin is there except on the very skinny people. Weird. I’ve never noticed before. He told me to continue to take it easy on my arms, that they are healing still, and to pay close attention to my elbows as to not bump them. That piece of skin under my right arm is a ‘dog ear’ which is a fairly common complication with skin removal. He told me that it’s easily fixed in the office but would like to give my body 8 more weeks to heal. My right boob is so much better. The bruising is gone but it hasn’t completely settled down. It’s still sore and hurts. My t-rex arms are getting better. I can reach things a lot better now. I’m still numb on the lower half of both breasts and the backs of my arms. It makes it difficult to get comfortable. I still am having to sleep on my back and prop my arms on pillows to be comfortable. It’s difficult to explain. It’s not necessarily painful (on my arms; it is on my right boob) to put pressure on it; it’s just weird because it’s numb. Like, I can feel, internally, that pressure is being put on my arms but I can’t actually feel it superficially. It’s not a pleasant sensation.

Arm progression
I’m super pleased with my arm incisions and my range of motion is improving.
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Going out for the first time since surgery. First time EVER to go out without a bra!!

I’ve stayed on track with exercising. I’ve done a minimum of 200 crunches every night for over 2 weeks. I’ve now incorporated arm training and squats (alternating days). It feels pretty good. I’m really hoping to get more consistent on my morning walks but I’ve just been so tired from not sleeping well that it hasn’t been happening like I’d like it to but I do plan on going tomorrow morning.

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Not noticing much progression but I’m feeling better.