Tag Archives: bariatric surgery

Movin’ On Up

“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.” Mahatma Gandhi

“Sometimes the things that we can’t change end up changing us. -Hope for Widows Foundation.

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Where did Jessica gooooo?

 

Maybe you noticed I’ve become scarce on social media in general, maybe you didn’t; either way, no worries. Social media is our friend and our foe. It has been to me at least. I once loved it for how I could look back on my memories and engage with others. Social media gave me a way to connect with others–or so I thought. After Paul, it became almost ritualistic to me where each morning I’d check my memories. In the beginning there were many tears but they subsided and were replaced with nostalgia and happiness. Isn’t that interesting? How could it be that nearly every single memory on Facebook is a happy one? I sure as hell don’t see my life through that lens. I felt like I had a community of supporters but something wasn’t congruent within myself. I started to lean into experiences, people, habits that served me better. This was most notable in my social connections. I have set an intention and expectation for all of my relationships: for each relationship to be mutually respectful, beneficial and fulfilling. I want to live an authentic life and free myself from guilt and negative feelings which don’t serve me, don’t further me in a positive direction. We all know that we can’t change others but what about ourselves? I mean we say we can but do we actually? Complacency is easy and is, usually, unintentional. I changed that for me by becoming aware: I paid attention to how I felt and what I thought after scrolling Facebook, posting blogs, texting ‘nicely’ with those whose thoughts don’t align with mine, etc. I paid attention to how I felt after phone conversations or physical interactions with loved ones. Slowly, I shifted my attention away from the ones that made me feel anxious, angry and bad about myself. Seems easy, right? Nope. One way I shifted my attention was to do a social media fast in 2018. And, well, after I got off of social media…I didn’t waste my time on it anymore. I’m intentional about it now. What I realized about myself and others on social media is much like what death can do to the memory of a life: it erases all the perceived {or rather could be perceived} negative events. I’m sure there’s some psychological reason for this but I’m not versed in that, so I’ll define it with my experiences, my anecdotal widow evidence. 

I radically reduced my social media in pursuit of happiness, generally speaking. I did so to experience my life more authentically. I have lived the majority of my life trying to live up to the expectations of others by achieving or behaving in a socially accepted/preferred manner prioritizing others over self, giving more of myself than I had when no one really asked me to; and worse, I never spoke up about it. Those qualities and behaviors shaped me into the person that I am. Becoming a widow during a bariatric journey, sparked a transformation of the shape of that person. Social media and how I showed up in it wasn’t fulfilling to me anymore because it all seemed to be fueled with nonsense, anger and facades of lives lived in a beautiful filter. I was no different. The widow survivor guilt felt is unlike anything I could ever put to words because it seeps into literally every single facet of your life, your relationships, your work, your thoughts, your behaviors, your good times, your bad times. There are dates and family expectations TO unique, empowered love and personal strength that equally send you t o tears racked with crippling sorrow, grief and guilt. That stuff is ugly. It is, also, deeply personal and a vulnerable place in my being that I couldn’t put through some perfect media filter. Honestly, who’d want to hear about it anyways and I surely didn’t have the energy or patience to figure it out.

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2019 McCartney Christmas
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Shellie get married to Sean; Paul shaves his beard for his mom, Shellie.
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Siblings at our wedding reception-March 2012 Lauren, Jonathan, Me, Jennifer, Jamie, Paul
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Emily BIG surprise: Tasha and Connor jump out of a box!!! October 2019 Jacob, Emily, Taylor, Eli, Cody, Tasha, Lisa, lady, Me, Connor
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Lisa and I enjoy time with my dad. November 2020

I am a person who is loved and has loved immensely. I have many people, experiences and material things to express gratitude for in daily life. I can say that I have always known this; but, I now feel it. My life has given me experiences that have shaped my process of thinking about nearly everything that surrounds me and that is within me. I continue to apply the nursing process to my life through evaluation of my changes and my personal assessment by questioning myself. I am the least social that I’ve ever been but feel the most aligned within myself and I have to question that. My socialization has changed. I no longer surround myself with people who use me or make me feel less than. That was a hard one to reconcile–I’m still working on it. It was like “wow”. I had to take this further to look at myself about relationships in current times that have shifted and I realized…It’s me that has changed. 

“I know you have to move on…” -Loved one expresses to me sorrow for my life

“We lost him too but you’re the only one who’s gotten to process…” -Loved one’s reaction to me sharing a personal grief.

“How does that work..Paul then Lisa” -A loved one’s comment about my relationship.

“Losing Paul was traumatic, I think you’re going through a stage.” -A loved one comments on my relationship with Lisa

“I love her but I still hate homosexuality…” -Love one ‘accepting’ Lisa as my partner.

“Yes, we know; It’s all about Jessica.” -A loved one’s response about a grief/upset I felt about Paul.

“Aren’t you ready to move on..” -Loved one’s reaction to my Paul reflections

“Doesn’t living in the past keep you in the past.” – A close friend responds to a reflection of an anniversary I shared.

“How long is this supposed to last” -A loved one in response to my complicated grief & PTSD

“But I thought you were getting therapy” -A loved one’s response to my feelings about Paul

“I’ll come to terms with this because I love you” -A loved one’s comment about Lisa & I moving in together

“[s i l e n c e]” -A non-response from a couple close loved ones about mine & Lisa’s Movin On Up announcement.

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Our wedding day, March 17, 2012 Me, Paul at Lake Hefner Just Married.
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Would be 5 year wedding anniversary Me in my wedding dress-March 17, 2017

Transformation is defined as “a thorough or dramatic change in form or appearance”. See, the thing that is lost on most is that transformation is most often not simultaneous, it’s fluid. That’s how my life has been since 2014. I have had many console and advise me about the impending result and need for change. It was a mute point. Change didn’t occur at a set date or time but as an accumulation of experiences acquired and mixed in with the previous one. It’s constantly shifting and if you pay attention, you can mold your life into one that you actually want. That’s what I’ve done simultaneously as I work alongside my grief. 

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Lisa and I create a photo announcement for us moving in together!!! June 2020

Lisa and I moved in together last month. It was an unplanned cohabitation necessitated by Hertz Corporation for being among the first to abandon their people as a result of plummets in profits first broke with COVID. It was a weighted and partnered decision that we equally made but to say it was easy wouldn’t be representative; to say it was celebrated across the board wouldn’t be accurate; to say that there weren’t anxieties just isn’t true; but, what is true is that Lisa and I have a relationship that is incredibly adaptive and, simultaneously, transformative with a foundation of compassion, sincerity, passion, honesty, and curiosity. It is a complex thing–not necessarily our relationship but, rather, the reaction or feelings of others about our relationship. After 6 weeks of living together, we experienced my worst fear about her being here full time. Walking my talk about authenticity and living my motto “What WE accept; WE promote”, I 5-4-3-2-1 (Mel Robbins 5 Second Rule) decided it was a great opportunity to come back to blogging — the beginning of our cohabitation during the 2020 chaos is a wonderful starting point to share the continuation of my Transformation Through Loss. Our decision to move in together, the journey we have walked individually and together, the reaction and lack of reactions from loved ones, widow struggles, and developing new routines over the last month have been quite the roller-coaster and one worth sharing. 

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I met my great-nephew, Jayden Paul Ashworth the day he enters the world. August 19, 2019
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Lisa meets Jayden Paul September 7, 2019
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Lisica becomes Nana & Gigi Our grandson, Liam Ray Conway Cook

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

During a therapy session, I shared that my worst fear of Lisa moving in with me is the impact on my relationship with Paul. And not because she wouldn’t understand but rather the fact that the energy in my home will be different. I will no longer have moments of silence where my head wonders and happens upon Paul—where I get to have a moment with myself and it takes me wherever I allow it to be. Lisa will always grant me whatever space I need—that is who she is and that’s one way that she loves me. It isn’t anything that she nor I can or can’t prevent; I will no longer have the space of solitude. I worry that this is yet another Paul loss. This is another moment that I move on. What if I get so busy living that I forget an anniversary: how would I feel about that? Would it tap me on the shoulder and sucker punch me? Would it be that vicious grief trap the emotional size of a bear trap that I have unknowingly stepped upon many times over these last 5+ years. And my therapist reaffirmed me, “Jessica, you are allowed to be happy. It is okay to be happy. It is okay to live your life.” I hadn’t really given it a thought like this–I was almost punishing myself by preventing the potential of happiness found in a new look on life; so, I resolved to just allow it to be. Afterall, it is all that I, any of us, can do anyways:just to figure it out as we go. And with my Type-A-Eclectically-Emotional-Big-Thought-I-Get-Alot-Said self, I’ve set out to utilize a few of the vital parts of the nursing process: Assessment, Implementation, Evaluation.

 

Since 2014, my life has all been about transformation and nearly just as long in my journey, Lisa has been with me. Sometimes she was behind me as I led haphazardly; oftentimes in front of me inspiring me; but, most of the time, she was right there next to me as together we have evolved. It is with her constant love and support that I’ve been able to face, overcome and transform in ways I never knew possible. She actually inspired me to listen to a personal development podcast The Overwhelmed Brain which led me to the book Atomic Habits which introduced me to Matthew Bivens which led me to listening to his podcast called Having It A.L.L. (Abundant Loving Life) and that gets us to May 4, 2020. 

 

But let’s pause here for a contextual story:

 

I remember this so vividly that if I close my eyes, I can literally feel how I did the morning of Mother’s Day. I was sad that morning. I went to make eggs and in normal for me fashion, I wanted to listen to a podcast but I needed JUUUUUUST the right one. Ya know, just like Goldie Locks style—I needed something for just right mood that I wanted (feel goods, positive), juuuuust the right length (takes about 20 minutes start to finish to make breakfast & clean up). I scroll my list coming to Having It A.L.L which is always an uplifting time. I scroll to recent episode that I hadn’t listened to—Ah! Yes! Perfect—24 minutes and cherry on this sundae, it was titled “Breathe”; SOLD! I hit play, cracked my eggs and sauteed my garlic. The intro plays. He shares a Magical Moment and challenges you to share one. I’ve listened to enough to know the order and next up is some Listener Love at 7:02 “… I want to give a shout out to Jessica.”…and I stir my garlic and smile to myself thinking “my mom gave me such a popular name”. And he continues on, “Jessica, first of all I just have to say is ‘WOW’ “ …and I stir in my spinach and think “Matthew is speechless that’s cool”. He goes on “Your email to me was incredible and to say it was thorough is for me to put it very lightly”, he chuckles and I think to myself “man, sounds like me. Nah, couldn’t be”. He chuckles. I had to tell Sarah, I have a long email here so I’m gonna be in the office for awhile and process this email. I imagine you got some hand cramps as you were typing that all up. And I thank you for it. There was such beauty, such amazing things you shared..I’m just stumped for words right now.” And I screamed. I had my eggs in the bowl, pouring them in and I said out loud “OH MY GOD, he IS talking to me. Say whaaaaat” Then he said, “I just am so grateful to you for sharing all of that with me and putting it out there the way that you did making the request the way that you did, it was just so tremendous for me to receive that, hear how the show has impacted you and your family. It was just awesome. And for you to share that little piece of magic about the Honey Do List at the end…that was so cool. Sp jessica thank you so much.” I was stirring my eggs, a huge smile on my face and tears streaming. And then panic because I was so excited and moved by his words, I just realized….OMG OMG that means he must have responded but, ya know, I couldn’t ruin the eggs so I finished those eagerly before bolting to my email to check for his response–Short, sweet and offer not just accepted but elevated as he offered us BOTH the opportunity to have a consultation with him with a subscription to Balance Chart. I had zero idea what that would look like but no thoughts needed—I was ALL IN!

 

So what happened on the 4th of May when I acted on my instinct to put action towards my thoughts. Well, on that day I elevated my idea of Charity [More to come on this topic in another post] when I reached out to Matthew Bivens directly to ask him to join me in some “MAGIC”–his term for anytime You influence Self, Life, or Others in an Empowering Way. The following is an excerpt from that email:

 

Charity. Think about it. It’s a fantastic word that evokes mixed emotions. I became reminded of this as my girlfriend and I were brainstorming last night when I mentioned how my brother and I often talk about doing for others. He is one of the most generous humans I’ve even known and he was telling me about how he is looking out for opportunities to give to others to better their situation. He thinks about it as charity and as a way to give back during these uncertain times. He takes the perspective that he has extra income (result from not going out), he can work from home as a programmer (not job requirement like others to go out) and so he tries to help others by buying their groceries or hooking them up with wifi or paying their phone bill for 6 months. When I referenced him as a resource in her business start up, although my gf agrees in the goodness of charity, her initial reaction was “I don’t want to be some one’s charity” stating there people out there “far worse off” than her and that are in far more need of charity. 

 

This got me thinking about the problematic reasoning in this kind of logic which is, I believe, a contributor to the psychological epidemics in America: how homelessness is a result of trauma, addiction, mental illness, disparities in health care; how if we altered the perception of charity towards what it truly is, what an enormous impact that would have on these epidemics. If giving to others could essentially become just like another ADL (activity of daily living) and humans could accept charity without implied or perceived shame, oh goodness imagine the impact on all I’ve referenced above?? If in this moment that I have $100 extra (honestly because I haven’t been eating out the last 6+ weeks really) and I can see in my neighbor, peer, girlfriend that she is trying to get from Point A to Point B to achieve a better quality of life and I use that money to purchase education or pay a bill or prepay counseling, what impact could that have on that person’s trajectory, to that person’s mental heath? And at BARE MINIMUM, you’ve communicated to another human: YOU are NOT alone; WE are in this together. 

 

So with all that said (okay so I didn’t make a long story short but I did shortened a longer story ), I have want to offer my $100 and my plea of heart to invite you to help improve the life of Lisa Cook. She has all the potential and now the time; she just needs tools, motivation and coaching to achieve all she has and has not actually envisioned yet. How do we hook this up???  

 

Last week we had that call with Matthew. Neither of us knew what to expect; both slightly anxious; and both of us ready for what we’ve termed as Lisica Shenanigans where we tackle obstacles, better ourselves, have fun adventures, and live our best lives. 

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I want to engage with others as my authentic self and to be vulnerable. I want to experience self-confidence, kindness, love and innovation within myself. If that so happens to inspire others to question their own selves, well that’d be pretty magical. Transformation through loss has taught me through experience and observation that one’s self, mind and energy is powerful; that one thought put into action can start a ripple of change, within yourself and, as a byproduct, how you show up in the world.

Experiences that taught me that I CAN choose to thrive:

  1. My journey of becoming a nurse which started by choosing to leave banking.
  2. Bariatric journey that started by losing 25lbs by just walking and not eating crap.
  3. A phone call “Jess, can I talk to your mom” and feeling my husband was dead.
  4. Lisa telling me “Tell me about your husband” that posed the living question “what if…”
  5. “What We ACCEPT; WE promote” became my personal motto leading to a change in work culture.
  6. Setting a firm boundary with my bigot father that resulted in his transformation into feminism. He doesn’t just tolerate Lisa [our relationship] but accepts it and loves her for her..

This past weekend, it happened, my worst case scenario as stated to my therapist. I was sitting at the bar. Lisa was cooking breakfast. I opened our Magical Moments Journal. I’d been joking/giving her a hard time that Iiiiiii’m the one who allllllways writes in it. We were laughing. And I wrote the date: June 1….3….. And I felt this immediate flip in my stomach and I couldn’t identify it. I said aloud, something to the effect of…”Oh my goodness. Ten years ago, Paul and I met for the first time on our first date” and I mentioned how it slipped my mind. And I had this rush of all kinds of feelings but nothing that I wanted to deal with in that moment. I did a quick check in with myself and I wasn’t sad. I felt different; it wasn’t a good feeling.

From Pretty Pannus to Pretty Panties

Currently I am in Outpatient Surgery waiting on Lisa while she has her uterus evicted. I’m glad that this day has finally come for her and that I get to be here for her.

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Lisa in preop!


Yesterday marked my 4 week post op mark! It seems like forever but also like a blink of an eye. Weird how that goes.  I got my release to go back to work Monday on light duty. I went to work to turn all that in and it was so nice to see all of my co-workers. I really REALLY have missed them! They are so sweet! I really do have an amazing work family.

In preparation for my return to work, I bought a new pair of scrubs. That was quite the workout. I refused to take my clothes off to try them on for fear I would tire and not be able to get them back on. lol. It was pretty exciting though. I bought an XS top (it does have a stretchy side panel) and a petite small pant! Wow! I just can’t believe it. To top that off, I tried on my medium scrubs and they are so baggy now. Thank goodness for drawstrings because scrubs are so expensive!!

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While at the surgeon’s office, I had them take a look at my pelvis incision because it STILL is not approximated! Well…turns out that there were some staples that are suppose to dissolve which had poked through under the glue and have kept my incision from healing properly!! She pulled the remaining staple and after just a day it already looks so much better.

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On the bottom left photo, you can see the white string looking thing…that is the culprit….the dissolvable staple!!!

Overall, my incisions are looking really good. I’m very pleased with them except my pelvis. The swelling has really gone down quite a bit. As you can see, the swelling in my hips was quite severe and now it has calmed down.

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My activity tolerance is better. Showers still continue to be a workout. Sigh. I’m now having back pain. It is in my lower back. It sucks because there isn’t much that I can do about it since I can’t stretch or get an adjustment. Basically, I’m just really tight and I think I’ve slept wrong…couple that with inactivity and VOILA back pain! I talked to my exercise physiologist and she suggested ham string stretches. That has REALLY helped. I’ve also been using essential oils and alternating cold/hot packs. Slowly but surely I’m getting there.

Mobility wise I’m doing a lot better. My abs and back are so tight that I can’t arch either way. I can ALMOST bend all the way over but have to squat just a little bit to touch the ground. I’m not able to twist yet. I can tolerate lying on my sides and back. The numbness in my booty is still there. I’m not sure if the severity is less or I’m just used to the ‘bubble butt’. Again, it feels like I have two half deflated balls in my buttcheeks!

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I had my 2 year bariatric surgery follow up. I was quite nervous about going in because of the weigh in. I remember from last surgery I gained over 10 lbs in water weight and it took me over a month to lose it. And this surgery was much more invasive. Although they removed at least 7lbs of skin/tissue, I knew that I’d still be up on the scale. Because I know myself, I put my scale up before surgery so that I wouldn’t be torturing myself with the numbers! I was 162ish pre-op and I weighed in at 158.3. Last weigh in at the doctor in July was 157.8. I was relieved but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t bothered by the gain. It was my first gain at the doctor since July 2014. My APRN laughed at me and told me I was silly. Pfft. I’m trying really hard not to be weight obsessive and look at the bigger picture. My blood pressure was 122/69. My HR 67. I fit in the chairs with extra space. My belly didn’t sit on my lap when I sat on the examine table. I’m excited to exercise next year. I surely have come a long way. As my best buddy Kati said ..I’ve gone from pretty pannus to pretty panties! Love you all!

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From pannus to panties. I’m wearing panties in both pictures but now you can see them!

 

 

Sitting on Balls & Belly Button Beats: 2 Weeks Post Op {WARNING: GRAPHIC IMAGES}

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Swelling is decreasing but still there. Butt cheeks still aren’t together. Swelling has increased in my lower abdomen but significantly reduced in my hips.

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Two week post op fell on Thanksgiving this year. As you can imagine, it has been a very busy week.

I saw my surgeon to look at a few areas that were bleeding. I’ve been quite concerned about my pelvis. It has black areas and has opened a little. It is also the area I’m most concerned about. He looked it over and told me that everything is healing nicely but I do need to take it easy. He confirmed that he did want me to complete my 4 weeks off of work. The black area on my pelvis is a mix of blood in the surgical glue. He advised to place bacitracin and bandages over the concerning areas. Then he pulled my second drain!!! Again, it felt like a snake crawling out of my back. So creepy. I am so relieved to have that drain gone. It was literally a pain in my ass. (Pun intended lol)

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A little over 2 weeks post op: incision over pelvis. Slightly painful. Not warm to touch though.

Having both drains out means that I have graduated from abdominal binder to bodyshaper which I will be in for the next 4-8 weeks. When I got home, I showered and set out on my challenge. I am not even exaggerating a little bit when I tell you that it took me 45+ minutes and it was like putting on pantyhose that were 3 sizes too small. If you have this procedure, I highly recommend that you do this with assistance. Lisa was at work and I was home alone…and well let’s face it…I so thoughtI could do it myself. Turns out I was right but geez. Once I did struggle into it, it felt great. All my parts were hugged and I felt very secure. At this point, it is not comfortable to be nude, as you feel that everything will fall out. I opted for this type of shaper after of advice from others that have had similar procedures and I don’t have to worry about the top rolling down.

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The bodyshaper struggle be real. Every step of this was exhausting. I worked up a sweat. It was awful.

 

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There is a crotch hole that is not comfortable and I dont feel right sitting on the furniture uncovered. So I put some wonderwoman underwear on and I think it was epic!

I’m trying to be more active. I’m on my own at home but not able to bend for another week (doctor’s order). It is a challenge. I might be slightly stubborn. My mom loaned me her grabber and it has been a life saver. I tire very easily. Mollie and I have gone on short walks after which I feel like I’ve worked a 12 hour shift. The night sweats have stopped so that’s nice.  I’m no longer on pain medication. Extra strength tylenol seems to do the trick but I do require it about every 6 hours.

After 2 weeks of being pretty much home bound, I ventured out. It felt wonderful to get dressed in real clothes. I drove for the first time. I padded myself with a pillow and headed downtown for vanilla extract. I also got myself a manicure. It was a nice treat. The sun felt great and it was nice to get out.

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2 weeks post op: Size medium bell bottom pants and small top. Im beyond amazed with my shape!
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First venture out after 360 Lower body lift 2 weeks ago!

I’m beyond excited about my belly button. It’s so weird to actually see it. With my rolls before, I couldn’t see it–ever! The weird part, you can see my heart beat. Yes. The pulsating from my abdominal aorta. It’s wicked. As I’ve lost weight, I’ve been able to feel it but now you can see it! Crazy!

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Belly button!

 

Overall, I’m healing very well. I’m thankful for the time to recover. As I learned from last time, it takes time and lots of energy. It has been emotionally and physically draining to go through this transformation. Right now, my struggles are: sitting on my butt as it is numb and the left side has not dropped–it literally feels like I’m sitting on balls; activity tolerance; pain in my pelvis; and my buttcheeks have not come together and the incision across my crack is painful and uncomfortable.


This marks the third Thanksgiving without Paul. To say that it is a struggle is an understatement. There are no words that can describe the feeling. On a brighter note though, it has been the best family time I’ve experienced in years.

We had a lovely Thanksgiving lunch at mom’s–just the immediate family. It was quaint. I really enjoyed the time we had together. It’s very rare that we have time all together with schedule and distance that play against us.

Paul’s family opened their home and hearts to Lisa this holiday. It was so very unexpected and literally brought tears to my eyes. Never in my wildest dreams would I have expected this. They have religious beliefs against same sex relationships (as previously discussed). And to have them invite my girlfriend into the home of my husband’s family is just amazing. Lisa was beyond nervous but it all went very well. I just love them so much. I’m so lucky to have a family like this.

My mom didn’t invite my dad to Thanksgiving (which is a long story). It was devastating to him but it allowed us (myself and my brother and sister) to have alone time with him. We spent a whole day together. We (really they did because I couldn’t bend enough) played pool, went shopping and had lots of laughs with him. It was a first and very enjoyable time.

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Thanksgiving 2016. Lunch at mom’s. Mom and Jamie protect my incisions from the pups. Movie with the siblings. Pool with Dad and the siblings. Putting up the Christmas tree with Jamie and Jason.

Entering into week 3: I’m excited that I will soon be able to bend. Hoping to become more active and not tire quite so easily. I have to get back into gear as Lisa’s surgery is coming up and then I’ll be going back to work! Time is flying by!!! Love you all!

Leaving The Dichotomy: Finding a Genuine Me

wine With only 26 days until my BIG 360 abdominoplasty–anxiety, emotions and to-do lists are through the roof. Everyone asks ‘are you ready?’ ‘ Are you nervous?’ Well…the answer is as follows: FUCK YEA! (And if you were close to Paul–you read that as ‘fooooooook yaaaaaa’)

I have been preparing for this all year. I’m not really nervous about the surgery. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m a nurse or because I have the utmost confidence in my surgeon or if it’s because I’ve gone through it before but I’m just not really worried about that. I know they will take great care of me. What I am nervous about: the psychological. When I had my brachioplasty and mastoplasty done earlier this year, I really underestimated the psychological toll that it would have on me. After having some wicked panic attacks, bouts of depression and anxiety—I pushed my 360 from May 2016 to November 2016.

In preparation, I saw my psychologist that I saw prior to my bariatric surgery. We had an amazing session and he really helped me get a better grasp on what has been going on in my mind and how to better deal with it this go around. So let’s dive into it.

What’s my problem?

I have thought this entire time that I had a bit of body dysmorphic disorder but after speaking to him, it isn’t so much that as it is that I’m experiencing a dichotomy.

a division or contrast between two things that are or are represented as being opposed or entirely different.

Basically, the more I change the less I’m me–in my mind. He assured me that this is very common in bariatrics but that my circumstance intensified this phenomenon for me. As most bariatric patients when they look in the mirror and have a freak out moment “OMG what have I done? I’m not me anymore! I don’t look like Jessica!!” they would have a spouse or significant other or best friend that would be their anchor that would assure them that they are the same person.  If Paul were here, he would be able to stop me in these moments and say “Yes you are! Your smile is the same. Your eyes. I love you.” etc… Each day they would come home and do the same routine.You might still gab with your best gal pal. You’d still be doing all the things that make you–YOU. These people are your anchors and they tether you to WHO you are. I was cheated out of this. I lost Paul. Then 6 weeks later my best friend of 20+ years cut off all contact with me. Because of the grief experienced by all of my family, I was disconnected, in a sense, from them. Essentially, I’ve just been free floating–not connected to myself.

There are interactions that add to me feeling disconnected with myself. I’ve talked about this before–in my mind I’m the fat girl. It is who I have always been and in my mind I’m still that girl. There have been countless instances where people have made comments or looked at me like I’m skinny. BUT in my mind (and I probably wear it on my face), I’m like ‘what the fuck did you just say to me? Don’t you know I’m a fat girl, too?’ And these instances make me feel like I’m even more not me.

To add insult to injury, I have a large amount of guilt. I feel that Paul was jilted. And although I know rationally that I haven’t taken anything from him, I feel almost that the more I change, experience life and go on with out him that I am jipping him. He was there through nursing school and he supported me in my decision to get healthy but he doesn’t get to reap the rewards of these things. And it fucking sucks!

So the panic that I felt after surgery was pretty much all of this–wrapped up in an anxiety ridden ball of mess. And I exploded. Because plastic surgery is instant. With the weight loss, it has been gradual. And the blows to my ‘identity’ are like little pricks. But when you go under the knife then you wake and ‘BOOM’ you look like someone else…it’s overwhelming!

What’s the solution?

I’ve gotta change my mindset. I’ve got to realize a few things here. The first is that of change. VERY few people actually like change. We are all creatures of habit. I have to recognize and accept that I DO NOT have control over change. Change was ultimately going to occur whether Paul died or not. Would my path have been different than this? Yes. But it was going to be different nonetheless. I could look at it this way: what if I didn’t have the surgery? I could be 400 lbs with DM, HTN, CAD and working my way to a heart attack. Change is hard. But what makes THIS change hardest is that I had a hand in the change. I DECIDED that I didn’t want to be obese anymore so I CHANGED it. I DECIDED that I didn’t want saggy boobs and bat wings so I CHANGED it. I DECIDED that I didn’t want to have a flap of skin sitting on top my vagina so I’m CHANGING it! All of these things, I’ve perpetuated the change. And referring back to the beginning…the dichotomy…here lies the problem.

My psychologist asked me a really insightful question: “Jessica, do you think that you were living a genuine life before?”

I really had to think about it. I thought I was but, now, I look back and know that I wasn’t. I think about alllll the reasons that I had that motivated me to change: I wanted to travel, I wanted to be active, I wanted to be social, I wanted to sky dive, I wanted to ride rollercoasters, I wanted to dance, etc. I didn’t do ANY of these things as I reached my heaviest weight and THAT was disingenuous. So in actuality, it is NOT that I’m leaving Paul or that the more I change that I’m not me–it is that the more I change, the MORE genuine of a life I am living. I am being true to who I am, how I think and what I want. And I probably am living a more genuine life than ever before and I am coming into my own. Living my life and having all these experiences and accomplishing things that Paul and I dreamed of is not leaving him or jilting him: it is honoring him. I’m wearing my Paul Badge of Honor every day of my life now.

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Checking it off my bucket list. Sailing October 2016

I have felt significantly better being able to put all of this together. It is a working progress just as I am. I’m extra emotional as we are now at the end of the year. October-December used to be my all time favorites but now they are riddled with bitter sweet memories, heart wrenching moments and even more intense thoughts of my dear Paul. October 25 he would have been 32. November 12 marks the second anniversary of his death, my surgery and the end/beginning of my life. Then we have alllll the holidays—all his favorites. It’s a rough time of year for me and the family. We miss him dearly. And it is hard. It helps to talk about him. I’ve been seeing him in my dreams more often lately. And for a moment in my slumber all is well and then I wake up.

Pushing forward. That’s what I do. That’s what you should do too. Paul doesn’t get to be here but I am and you are. I refuse to waste it even though I’m still working on my identity.

Much Love!

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Batgirl getting ready for Lisa’s 40th Birthday!
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A genuine me. Silly. Oct 2016

Does Your Belly Hang Low? Does it Wobble To and Fro?

I am coming up on my 2 year surgi-versary. I have managed to lose over 180lbs in over 2.5 years so I have a biiiiiit on extra skin hanging around (pun intended). I’ve pretty much been maintaining since early 2016. I’ve been battling with the ‘last 5-10lbs’ all year pretty much. Instead of being completely, ridiculously hard on myself, I have tried to accept that my body wants to be at this weight. It seems to be where I keep ending up. I can restrict and get down to where I want  to be but as soon as I let up a bit on the diet, right back up I go. When I step back from that scale and really look at myself, my life and how I feel about the two–I’m content. This is a good weight for me. I feel good. I feel healthy. I’m comfortable. I have been working on my mind to just get it right there. We all hate that BMI scale but it still exists and I’m still classified as overweight. But all my numbers are good. I can do all the things in life that I want to do. I’m not hindered in the slightest by my weight. So… I say…fuck that BMI scale. HMPH!

I’m at a good place weight wise. It is now time for my finale. I’m approaching my big surgery date for my 360 abdominoplasty. For those who are not familiar with this surgery, I’ll describe it briefly (sorry in advance if I make your skin crawl a bit). It’s a fancy tummy tuck but allll the way around. Basically they cut you at your pelvis (where a C-section scar would be) and take that incision all the way around (360). They detach that skin from your body, pull the skin down, cut off the extra, make me a new belly button (I know, crazy, right?), cinch up my abdominal muscles, then pull the bottom up (like a pair of pants) and stitch me back together. Voila! I’m getting rid of my pendulous stomach/skin. This is a major surgery. The pain will be intense. I’ll be off of work for weeks. But I’m absolutely thrilled to be doing this. It really is the finale to my weight loss. I’ll, of course, be posting lots of before and after pics.

I know what many of you are thinking. “Jessica, why can’t you just be happy with  your weight loss.” Some of you might even think that it is totally vain to have this surgery. Let’s go ahead and set that straight. I can’t remember a time where I didn’t have this belly. Since childhood, I have always had this stomach. It grew into a fold to where it sat on top of my mons pubis. And there it has sat for all of my adolescence and adulthood. As I have lost weight, it has shrank a little bit and it’s not near as dense. Now, it is literally a fold of skin. It has always and continues to make me self conscious. Like “is it gonna flap” “does it smell” “do I need to re-apply baby powder”? Let me ask you–do you have to worry about these things? Grooming was always difficult, as I had to always sit on the toilet to shave properly. In the shower, I have to be sure to lift my fold and scrub really good. This is a warm, dark area. An ideal place for bacteria and yeast to grow. So no, it isn’t just vanity. Does vanity play a part? Absolutely. I hate how my belly skin hangs when I do a plank. Or how my belly flops and claps when I do a jumping jack. I can’t wear loose pants when I work out because a belly slip would be waaaay more embarrassing than a nip slip. Just saying.

What am I most concerned about though? My emotional reaction. If you remember back to after my arm/breast surgery, I had an unanticipated reaction. Upon first glance at my “new body” I had a panic attack. It took a little bit for this reaction to subside. Although I was very prepared for this surgery and so excited for it, I didn’t foresee having a negative reaction to my body. There was a grieving process and then an acceptance of my new body that I had to deal with. This reaction was compounded by the fact that I was changing and I now had a body that Paul never saw. That was devastating to me. With a push from my Lisa and her daughter, I have called and made an appointment with a psychologist that specializes in bariatrics. I’m going to see him in a couple weeks and gear myself up for this surgery!

Enough of that…let’s talk progress:

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Activity. Lisa and I recently bought mountain bikes. We rode around a local lake that was 8.0 miles. Wow!!! It was a really wonderful experience. Such a nice ride after we figured out how to operate the gears. (We researched this a couple weeks prior to our ride. Gotta love that Google.) It was a big NSV for me. I had never ridden a bike so far. It was invigorating. I wasn’t winded or anything. Now…the next day my crotch and thighs were sore but this was to be expected. I really enjoy the bike. I even rode the other day by myself. I enjoyed the breeze in my face and the beautiful scenery near my home. This is a cardio workout I could really get into!!

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Emily is one of the bravest girls I’ve ever known. I’m happy to support her!!  

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Lisa, myself and her girl child participated in the Out of the Darkness Walk to raise awareness for those who struggle with suicidal ideations and depression.

Recognition. Dietbet reached out to me again about a PR opportunity. I am supposed to have an interview with someone from CatersNews tomorrow. That’s kinda awesome. Then, today, I received a package from Waybetter.com enclosed was a workout jacket, water bottle and a note book with a little note from the CEO.

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Package from Waybetter

Looking Forward. I have lots of stuff going on and coming up. I’ll be getting another round of sclerotherapy done to my legs for my varicose veins. I have about 4 weeks left of nursing school (for my BSN). Lisa and I are checking a few things off of my bucket list/goals: cooking class and to go sailing. Also, Lisa’s 40th birthday is in a little over 2 weeks so I’m gearing up for that.

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Like always…much love and thanks for the support. Love yourself…move your body!!

Give Up Perfection: Some Tips for Success

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I was cleaning out for a garage sale and came across my ‘fat pants’. I can literally fit in one leg of these pants!!! Size 26/28 vs size 8

Perfection. Is there such a thing? Can a person be perfect? The answer is no. So why do we constantly set goals for perfection? As women in American culture, this is ingrained from an early age. We tend to think in absolutes. Being good; being bad. On the wagon; off the wagon. Success; failure. I’m on my own journey to try to reprogram myself and I hope to inspire others to reprogram as well.

I’ve had a few very frank conversations with women who are struggling with their weight, body image issues and/or have had weight loss surgery. I’m always delighted when someone seeks me for advice and inspiration. It’s humbling and fulfilling. The thought process that is echoed in every conversation is perfection. “I was bad” “I need to get it together” “I’ll be happier if I could just get to such&such weight”. But ladies, this is what we have to work towards changing.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am 100% guilty of all of the above. I have made all of these statements. I can’t recall if I’ve shared this with y’all before but one of the most eye opening conversations that I had was recently with a friend. We were talking about weight loss goals. I had mentioned that a co-worker had an ‘ideal figure’ and eluded that I’d be ‘happy’ if I could look that way. We called her over and asked her to share her height and weight. I am literally the SAME height. I weigh within 2 lbs of her and I wear the same size jeans. What the hell? So I had created this image of what I was trying to attain and I couldn’t even really see my own success. That was an eye opener for me.

The above interaction made me really think. I’ve always joked that I’m a perfectionist. I am in some sorts and it fares me well in my work and such things. But it doesn’t fare me well for my health, body image and overall happiness.

A friend recently was venting to me about her dissatisfaction with her weight loss. She had told me her weight loss and it was truly amazing and something to be proud of in my eyes. I inquired as to why she was dissatisfied. Her response was that ‘others were losing more than her’ and that she ‘hadn’t been as good as she could be’. And here lies the pitfall.

I’ve been here; I’m still here as a working progress. We should not compare our success to others. There will always be someone who surpasses you; there will always be someone who trails you. You have to place SUCCESS where it needs to be. You have to define it by your own standards; not by the success/failure of others. If we constantly are reaching for perfection as we see it on someone else or a perfection/success we have created, we will ALWAYS fall short. Every. Time.

How many times have you ‘fallen off the wagon’? I know I have probably a thousand times. This wagon puts us in this constant cycle–up down up down. Yo-Yo. And each time you have a down, you beat yourself up. We all do this in different ways but I guarantee that if you struggle with your weight like I have that you are NOT kind to yourself. You tell yourself all kinds of negative things and this just adds to the cycle.

I can remember so many diets. It seems I’ve been on a diet for forever. My weight has literally been on my mind from wake to sleep since I was probably about 12 years old. I’d get these plans in my mind about how I was going to get back on track TOMORROW. I was going to eat right, exercise hard core, no junk food. Tomorrow would come, maybe I’d eat really good all day and then night fall would come and I would binge. Then I’d feel awful. I’d beat myself up and label myself as a failure. THEN I’d eat even worse because now I was off my diet. And so the crazy cycle continued. Continued right on up to 341 lbs.

How do we fix this? How do we fix ourselves? I say–be kind. Be kind to yourself. Ditch the diet. Forgive yourself. Find happiness outside of food. These are my tips for success.

Be Kind. Only say things to yourself that you would say to others. So many times I have looked at myself with disgust and mentally bashed myself. But I wouldn’t DARE say these things to another person. What I practice now is some self love. Even when I feel fat or bloated, I find something positive. That’s the day I’ll put a lil extra make up on. Something to help me feel ‘prettier’.

Ditch the diet.  Do I mean pig out? Heck no. It’s all about balance. How did you get those extra pounds? You were out of balance. You have heard this time and time again: moderation is the key–you must make a lifestyle change. And it is 100% true. We all want a magic pill that allows us to get the model figure over night and allows us to eat whatever the fuck we want. But that’s not reality. Whatever you decide to do to get healthy or lose weight has to be something that you can do forever. Think of it this way, if you starve yourself for the next couple weeks and drop a few pounds…the weeks following you’re going to eat and gain it back. It’s just the way it works. Calories in/calories out. I could write a whole blog over nutrition but how boring is that? My best advice for nutrition–keep it simple. Eat whole foods. Eat less junk. And if you have the junk, make it small and make it infrequent.

Forgive Yourself. You better believe this is important. Don’t beat yourself up. What good will that do? Not a damn bit. Okay…so you ate a whole box of cookies. It happens. Let it go. If you can, think on why you did it. What were you feeling? But more importantly, think about how eating that box of cookies made you feel and commit that to memory then move on. That next meal, you own it. Don’t harp on the ‘I was so bad’ thing. That isn’t going to get you anywhere. I love my sweets and if/when I overindulge I think about it afterwards now. Like ‘damn. I just ate that whole bag of Milanos over the course of one day. Now my belly hurts. Why did I do that? I was bored. Dang I really don’t like how my body feels right now and those cookies aren’t helping me reach my goals.’ Then you know what I do? I move on. If there are cookies left, I pitch them. Yep. Throw it out. That’s what I do. The next meal/snack I try to eat towards my goal (or rather towards my why).

Find Happiness Outside of Food. This is the big one. Live your life. Find what really gives you joy and do it. Don’t wait until you’re the perfect size. The perfect weight. That day won’t ever come. We are imperfect people and we are constantly changing. Shit happens. Don’t wait to live you life based on what you think the future you should look like or weigh. Most of us women eat emotionally, bored-happy-sad-lonely-mad-etc. We have to find things/activities to fill these voids. Find your void filler. Also, find and surround yourself with people that bring the best of you out. The people that don’t make you question yourself. The people who inspire you. Those people are a crucial key to lasting success. You are who you surround yourself with. I truly believe that.

Yes, I had bariatric surgery to get my excess weight off but I did the work. I’ve changed my life but more importantly, I’ve changed my outlook on life. I don’t wait for later. I try to live in the now. I want to be the best me possible but I accept that the best me will not be perfect. I’m currently still working on all of these things. It’s a daily practice. It doesn’t come naturally. It’s something I have to work at. But I can tell you this…this me is the most fulfilled I’ve ever been and it feels amazing!

Go do something outside your comfort zone today. Get active. Live your life! Love you all,

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Lisa makes me happy. She lifts me up. She helps inspire me to stay healthy.
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Vodka Trot 2016. Big first for me. I’ve never worn short shorts like this out in public because my legs are not ‘perfection’ but I did. And I had a blast and I wasn’t worried about what others thought of me!
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Lisa and her sister, Tasha, encouraged me to get up and dance with this small group of women at this big event. The old me would not have done this. It was so fun and freeing!
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Don’t be afraid to be silly. :)

 

A Precious Life: Live it. Love it.

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Father’s Day 2016: Dad says to me ‘did they make a mistake and cut your boobs off?’ oh my.

How precious is this life? And how short is it? I’d venture to say that most of us would admit that life is undeniably precious and that the years pass by quickly. Yet how are we living it? Are we living it for the moment? Or are we wishing it away?

I’d say that for most all of my life, I have wished my life away. Not on purpose of course but, rather, by accident. I’ve hated my body, worried about finances, striven for stability and put off my life for the unforeseeable future that would, without a doubt, reflect my work—the perfect me in the perfect life. I’d be thin. I’d have no debt. I’d be in the perfect career. That’s when I’d live. Right? Wrong. Your life is what happens while you’re putting off for tomorrow. Paul changed my life in so many ways. And although I have few regrets, the one I do have is that I could have worried less and lived more. And in his death, I’ve found life and I have realized that this is my life and this is as good as it may ever be and damn it that’s pretty good. I’ve been listening to a lot of pod casts and reading up on self-love. I have done a lot of self-reflection. And what I’ve realized is that I haven’t always been good to myself. I haven’t loved myself. Over the course of the last 18 months, I’ve had quite a few life altering events take place that have led me to this new outlook on myself and my life. I can’t really pinpoint when or what actually did it; I think it’s just the collection of events.

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Moving my body! Mollie loves walks and I got this new leash that is hands free. It makes our walks much more enjoyable!

I want to worry less…less about what I think others think of me, less about what might happen, less about all those things and people I can’t control. I want to love myself and treat myself the right way…the way I’d treat others. What does this look like for me? As with anything in this life, you get what you give. Put good in; get good out. So I try to nourish my body with food that makes me feel good but not in the way it used to–not to feed my emotions but to literally nourish my body. I move—I have a non-negotiable with myself and that is that I move every day. I’m not an avid runner; I’m an avid couch potato. Ha ha. But I have realized that my body needs to move and when I move it, it responds by feeling good, losing/maintaining weight and increases my quality of life. I’m working on nourishing my mind and my soul. I’m doing this by ridding my life of negative people, negative attitudes and habits that perpetuate anxiety. I try to live out loud. I laugh frequently, help others on their journeys and try new things. I want to make sure that when my time comes that my life was lived and not just ‘survived’.

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It’s important to surround yourself with people that build you up and embody the life and spirit you want for your own. Lisa is one of those people to me. She makes this life fun, pushes me to be better and celebrates with me constantly.
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Loving myself. My legs have been a struggle for me but I’m embracing them by flaunting them and showing gratitude to them. For without these strong legs, I wouldn’t be able to be the active person that I’ve become.

Recently I ran into a former co-worker. A lady that amazes me. She has this amazing soul and an infectious smile. She’s a survivor. When she saw me, I recognized the stunned look. It’s the one I get from those who haven’t seen me in a while. I used to almost feel embarrassed not from shame but rather from the attention that my weight loss would draw. I don’t really feel that way anymore. I smile and I let them ‘ooo and ahh’. I frequently joke ‘I’ve lost a couple pounds huh?’. I take these interactions as a pat on the back and affirmation that I’ve made a positive improvement in my life. She shared with me something that truly made my heart smile. She told me that Paul’s death changed her life. That seeing the pictures that I post made her think about the lack of pictures that she has of herself. She went on to tell me about how she often takes pictures of her children but hides from the camera as she is not satisfied with her physical appearance. And she teared up as she told me that she thought about if she were to leave this Earth that her kids wouldn’t have photos of her. And so now she takes pictures frequently; when she sees me post one of Paul’s pictures that I share that she flips her phone and takes a picture with her kiddos. I was so very glad that she shared this with me. I’m even more thrilled that she seized the day and accepted where she is right now because this life is precious. It’s meant to be celebrated.

As some of you may remember in April, Waybetter.com published an article about me. Well, they reached out to me a few days ago stating “we are working on our weekly email and this week is our inspiration week. We wanted to use your story because it was so inspiring and touching. I was going through your blog and came across your amazing wedding photo’. Wow! I was shocked and in awe. Then the email went out and my friend tagged me on Facebook.  The headline reads ‘A story to renew your faith in human resilience’ and below my wedding photo ‘love, loss and strength fuel this powerful story of one woman’s 150-lb weight loss’. It’s amazing to be recognized for my weight loss and I love that my story has gotten to reach who knows how many people.

How amazing is that? When I started this blog, I thought to myself if Paul’s death could just change one life…

And he has impacted so very many. It makes my heart and soul happy.

You can read the article at…

http://www.waybetter.com/WayBetterToday/waybettertoday/inspiration/how-i-overcame-worst-tragedy-imaginable-and-lost-150-pounds

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The wedding photo that the writer from WayBetter.com stumbled upon. Truly one of my favorite pictures from that amazing day. The really sums up our relationship…he always kept me laughing :)

That’s all for now. Show yourself some love. Give your body gratitude. Hug your loved ones. And live this day to the fullest. You deserve it and so do your loved ones.

Live the life you want today; “You don’t need to lose anymore weight”

I know I just posted a few days ago but I have had a very exciting couple of days and I just wanted to share them.

I visited my bariatric clinic today for a check up. It was uplifting and reassuring. I love going. I used to dread going to any type of doctor for fear of the scale, the vitals and what ‘lecture’ they might have in store for me. But all that has changed. I’m excited to go. It’s a personal challenge and I always feel so accomplished. I didn’t hesitate when the LPN told me to hop on the scale…157 appeared! Clothed! This is my lowest weight. Wow! This is exciting for me for a multitude of reasons but the one that stands out is that I know that I have a minimum of 8 lbs of skin (as per my doctors and plastic surgeon) sooooo that puts my ‘true weight’ at 149 and for my height …that make me ‘average weight’ on the BMI scale and I’ve lost over 88% of my excess body weight (they don’t count the 5 lbs I gained in the first 2 weeks of the program but I do). WTF?! ahhhh. To top this off, 110/71 blood pressure!

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I remember when I first went to this clinic and I saw this toilet seat. I was shocked but excited. ‘These people get it’ is what I thought. Then—this toilet seat was much more comfortable than the normal size ones. Now—I kinda sunk in which I literally laughed aloud.


I, recently, joined this challenge called Live More Challenge. The founder’s thought process is that if we live more now, we will weigh less later (in simplistic terms). The hope is to teach us to live more and to enjoy ourselves and our lives. Each day you’re given a challenge. I was skeptical but the first day was to buy fresh cut flowers for yourself and display them. I can’t tell you how great that felt. Mollie was supportive (well..kinda..with a little bribery) 20160606_184359

I’ve recently been reading and listening to pod casts about emotional eating and weight loss. The consensus is the same…we (emotional eaters, over eaters, binge eaters) eat for a reason; to fill a void. We have replaced emotions with food and, although maybe it made us feel better in a moment, it left us with bodies that we no longer are proud of and, subsequently, have put our lives on hold for. I know that I’ve been guilty of playing this perfect life scenario in my head; one in which when I’m thin, I’ll do this and I’ll do that. I like how this creator says ‘have fun now’. This plays into everything I’ve been trying to evolve into and this new mentality that was forced upon me with the sudden death of Paul: life is short; live it. Tomorrow is not promised. It’s important to live the life you have right now; not the life you hope to have in the future. “If only I was thinner” “When the kids are older” “when I’m out of debt” “When I have X amount of dollars” Forget all of those excuses and just do it. Figure out what brings you joy, get out of your comfort zone and do it.

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A co-worker gave me a little basil sprout-ling. I went to Home Depot at like 9pm to pick out a pretty pot and soil instead of eating. I planted it the following day.
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Lisa and I love to just do things together. We love to walk at the lake. This past weekend, we got a cheap-o kite and flew it at the lake. We also ran around and we played Frisbee.

Another philosophy that I’m working on integrating into my life is mindful eating and listening to my body. I have heard this so many times before. I’ve read lots of books that have stated the same thing. And in the beginning of my weight loss journey I heard it again. I guess it just didn’t resonate with me until now. I’m trying to get to where I want to be–fit, healthy, active, happy and satisfied. Nearing goal weight has made me really think about the big picture. What after this? I think I have got to let some really bad habits go. I’m waaaay better than I used to be but I can improve. I want to improve so that I don’t slip. Hunger is a physical thing–I’m trying to focus on that. Seems simple, right? But how many times have you eaten when you literally aren’t hungry? you know you have. Now, with my surgery—I can’t be extremely rigid with this as my hormones are different than the normal person as I don’t produce grehlin hormone as the normal person. But I can be mindful as to if it truly is hunger that I’m eating for or if it’s emotion. Another tip I heard was to be distraction free at meal time. This is a biiig one for me. I live alone and I eat almost all of my meals on the couch or in bed or standing in the kitchen. So my new goal is to stop this. I plan to sit and eat; not be on the phone either. I, also, bought some cloth napkins and napkin holders.

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Today I enjoyed my breakfast and lunch, distraction free, on my patio. It was lovely. And I was aware of what and how much I was eating. I listened to my body and knew EXACTLY when I was full.


So…what does your face look like when your plastic surgeon tells you “Jessica, don’t lose any more weight”?

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I had my last follow up appointment with my surgeon regarding my January surgery. Everything is perfect except a small dog ear on my right armpit. But it’s minor and fixable. We discussed my BIG surgery: 360 abdominoplasty! I’m beyond ecstatic! We are planning for November 10 of this year. He gave me the choice of fixing the dog ear in the office with local or I can wait til November and he will fix it while I’m under. Well, it isn’t painful and barely noticeable so I opted to be knocked out. Ha ha.

I am beyond excited about this. This will be the week of the 2nd anniversary of my surgery and Paul’s death. It will be an epic finale and the finishing touch to what I started 2 years ago. He would be so proud. This will, also, allow me time off of work during the anniversary. I know myself and I wouldn’t be fit to work. It’s much too hard. So…two birds, one stone.

But, seriously, he told me not to lose anymore weight! I laughed, truly. I thought he was joking buuut he wasn’t. I told him…’maybe just 5 more pounds’. He asked me why and I quoted the BMI chart and he laughed at me. Never in my life have I been told that I didn’t need to lose anymore weight. It’s odd but satisfying.

And for your viewing pleasure…a picture of the pup with the roughest life ever…Mollie…

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What’s Your ‘Why’ look like; Living Outloud

 

First time riding a bike in forever and I did it in DC!!!!!!

 

At support group recently, they spoke about the scale and how it can fluctuate. The psychologist asks ‘where is the cut off’? Is it 3lbs and you’re freaking out or are you like ‘we’re cool. we still look good”? I thought it was any interesting point. I’ve never had an actual number in mind that I must stay at. I can get so very focused on the scale though. It’s actually quite ridiculous. Now, I know there will be lots of you who say it’s just a number, to not be a slave to it and to put it up. But to me it’s much more. It’s accountability. And I need it. Do I need to get on it every day? No. Weekly? I think so. It helps me keep myself in check. Although, my constant goal has been to reduce my weight and not regain. So it’s hard for me to say if there’s a number that would freak me out. To this, I have to refer to my why (which I’ll talk about momentarily). My hope is that I get to a point where I’m living and loving my life and the skinny me and that that will be most important. But I hope to always use the scale as a tool to keep myself in check as I never want to be obese ever again.

Another point that was made in support group was if we felt we would be successful or if we were doomed to fail. In Overeaters’ Anonymous, they follow steps much like that of Alcoholics’ Anonymous. I think the first step says something about admitting that you are powerless over your addiction. So are we powerless over obesity and food addiction? It seems like a simple “hell no” answer because I believe I can do anything I set my mind to…I’m independent, smart and stubborn–the opposite of powerless. Yet, I’ve been obese All.Of.My.Life. I hit a pivotal point, where I decided to change my life, change my circumstance–that’s when I found my bariatric program. I took control of my life and my future. And I truly believe that if I use my tools, the lessons taught and I eat/exercise the way I am suppose to, I’m 100% confident I can keep this weight off. That’s an interesting thought though. Something like 50% of bariatric patients regain weight. It’s a real thing. It’s a legitimate concern. I think this is cause even more so to find our why and be committed to it. I think that’s the difference.

I am trying my best to transition my life and my thoughts to the ‘after’. What does that mean? If you’re overweight or obese, I know you’ve had the same thoughts: “when I’m skinny” “If only I were thin”…

So I’m working on what that actually is. In hindsight, I sure wish I’d spent a little more time on figuring out what that is and what that would look like. I know that I heard it many times, in many different forms: define your why. What’s a ‘why’? Essentially, your why is the reason behind your desire to become thin or to achieve your goals. Without it, I think, you are more prone to slip back into bad habits and lose focus. Or rather, focus on the wrong things.

I’ve been in a lot of therapy. I’ve gone to a lot of support groups. I’ve heard a lot of weight loss and weight gain stories. I love reading self help books and I’m now, thanks to my beautiful friend Kati, addicted to podcasts. At the tip of my fingers, countless hours and words of inspiration. And what I’ve found or, rather, what has been reaffirmed is that we need our why. We all do.

So I sit here and I reflect on that and what it looks like for me. I know that in the beginning, my desire was to lose weight so that I would look better and feel better. That’s not a bad motivation but it is only skin deep. With the loss of my Paul, I feel I’ve really been forced to look deep inside myself and better define what I want this life of mine to look like.

I would like to turn my focus on what my ‘after’ looks like….what does it look like when the weight comes off? “Thin Jessica”. That’s what she is in my head. I lead an active lifestyle. One where I try new things and I don’t let my anxiety hold me back. I give back to others by sharing my experiences and encouraging them to do better, to be better. I look at myself with love and I’m proud of all I’ve accomplished. I no longer eat my emotions; I eat to fuel my body. Although, I will forever be the girl who will always pick cuddles on the couch over hikes in the mountains; I will move this body. I will get my exercise in because it’s what my body needs and deserves; exercise is a way to release frustration and empowers us. I will celebrate my successes and forgive my errors. I will continue to move forward. I will delight in the life I lead. I will collect experiences instead of excuses. I will live. I will live for myself and for my Paul. His life ended where my new life began and I feel forever humbly obligated to honor his life by living mine. It would be a great tragedy to live any less than that. So I choose to live out loud.

That feels good to put ink to paper, so to say. Now have I accomplished all of these things? No way, dude. Am I continuously working towards it? Absofuckinlutely.

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2016: Washington Monument. It was massive. I love this picture. I look like a giant!

So just a little update on some accomplishments and successes in my life:

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Memorial Day Weekend 2016 in DC. Kati and I rented bikes and rode around DC. Yes, that’s the White House!

This ‘gotta have a plan for everything’ girl decided to go on a trip. I booked a flight and visited my brother in Dallas and my friends in DC for a quick 4 day vacation. I will continuously feel so excited to fit in the airplane seats with ease. It’s just so freaking exciting! My wonderful friend Kati took me all around DC where I got to see some amazing history and monuments. The highlight of the trip? We rented bikes and accidentally stumbled upon the White House (as she said it was rather ‘anti-climatic”). I was so nervous to ride that bike. My tippy toes barely reached the ground and I feared I would fall. Just hours prior to this I was preaching to Kati about experiences, she turned to me and said “collect experiences”. Bam!!! And it was wonderful and freeing. I felt like a kid. She said ‘is this your first skinny ride?” Bahahaha. Well, yes yes it was as I’m the thinnest I’ve ever been. I remember even as a kid that the weight of my ever growing booty would hurt on the seat but not this time. It was amazing!!!!! In that short weekend trip, we hit 5 states that I hadn’t been to (MD, VA, NJ, PA,DE).DC2016collage

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At work, I had started this Office Biggest Loser that was from January to April. Well, I’m excited that several girls wanted to continue and so we started a monthly challenge. We just finished up May and the winner lost 4.23% of her body weight. She was so elated. It was truly amazing. I felt like I was the winner. It gave me so much joy to see her succeed, to make healthy choices and her legitimate excitement to do what she didn’t think she could do!

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The Reflecting Pool in front of the Lincoln Memorial. It is enormous. To think of the rallies that go on here and how many people it can accommodate is awe inspiring!

I hope you all find your why! Love ya’ll!

Two Year Journey/Social Media Love & Hate

Two years ago today I took the first step on my weight loss journey. I had my first appointments at my bariatric clinic. I met with the surgeon, dietician, patient advocate and exercise physiologist. Dr. B was blunt stating “I’m not saying that I’ll do surgery on you”. I’ll never forget the stern look on his face as we discussed the obstacles that were laid in front of me to overcome prior to surgery. He told me that I had to lose 10% of my weight (34 lbs) on my own before I could have gastric bypass, attend monthly support group and meet with diet/exercise monthly. He told me “if on the day of surgery, you’re even 1 pound shy of the weight loss goal, your surgery will be canceled”. I had this knot in my stomach and I looked him in the eyes and said “I WILL do this. I know I can.” And so it began…

This program and the support within it has saved my life, quite literally. I was pre-hypertensive and morbidly obese. My future health was at stake with a family history of obesity, diabetes and heart disease; not to mention that I was missing out on my life.

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Recently, a former ‘friend’ (I use this term loosely as she was not a friend afterall) that I had blocked of Facebook created a fake account and messaged me. To say that she was cruel would be a gross understatement. Her comments cut deeply and really upset me. She said:

“You are disgusting inside and out.

I loved him, but he was stuck up your ass. and then you let him die alone while you were being selfish. and then moved on without a care. did he even matter to you? he died alone because you didnt like how you looked! how pathetic is that? i pray you never feel the pain the rest of us have knowing how much he cared for you and you just turned away and rub it in everyones face.

And I know for a fact that he died alone while you were recovering from your selfish surgery because you didnt want to be fat and didnt want to work hard enough to lose it. Wah, wah poor Jessica”

And while I know that she is wrong and a cruel, wicked and pathetic person; it still struck a nerve. I really have reflected on these very thoughts.

Is bariatric surgery vain? When your BMI (body mass index) is 56.7 putting you in the morbidly obese category?  I’m not so sure. Did I like the way I looked? Was I comfortable in my skin? No, I wasn’t. But does that make me vain? Maybe it does. And if it does, is that wrong?

How many women wear make-up? How many women suck in their tummies in front of people? How many fad diets have you been on to get ready for bikini season? Do you prefer your clothes to look nice? Put jewelry on? Feel good when you win an award? Glow a little when someone compliments you? I’m willing to say all of us are guilty.

Vanity is defined as excessive pride in or admiration of one’s own appearance or achievements.

Is there something wrong with this? I don’t think so. Was it selfish of me to take such a drastic measure to get control over my health and my weight? Maybe it was. Was it the right choice for me and my husband? Absofuckinlutely!! Paul 100% supported my decision to get healthy. He didn’t view it as selfish. He loved me the way I was and he supported me in wanting to change for the better. And if he were here today, I think he would be damn proud of how far that I have come.

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On a more positive note, Dietbet.com featured me on their Hall of Fame and Waybetter.com wrote an article about me. I have been absolutely overwhelmed but the immense support and love that has resulted from this. So many people have called me an inspiration, congratulated me on how far I’ve come and what I’ve endured. It’s still so very baffling that people look up to me. It really is. And it warms my heart and it delights my soul. I attribute my success to my dedication to honor my husband and his life and all that he stood for; he truly lived his life loud and proud–and I’m trying to mimic that. But to know that I have actually helped others who are struggling with their weight and/or the loss of a spouse overjoys me. It gives me even more purpose.

You can read the article at

http://www.waybetter.com/WayBetterToday/waybettertoday/inspiration/how-i-overcame-worst-tragedy-imaginable-and-lost-150-pounds 

You can see me featured on Dietbet at

https://www.dietbet.com/testimonials/170

I encourage any one of you who are reading this and want to make a change, no matter where you are in your journey, to keep pushing. And if you need help, please feel free to reach out to me https://www.facebook.com/Jess0322 . I would absolutely love to be a resource to you. I’ve said it many times, in reference to my weight loss journey…I can’t say it’ll be easy, but I sure can say that it is fucking worth it!

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My mom and I on Mother’s Day 2016.

Love you all. Thank you so much for the continued support.