**insert something profound**

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I’ve got nothing. Zelch. I don’t even know if that’s how you spell that word but you get what I’m saying. These past couple nights have been really rough. With our upcoming wedding anniversary and my 30th birthday just shortly after, it has just left me feeling…a little empty. Four years we would have been married. This will be my second to “celebrate” without him. So officially I will have “celebrated” as many with him as without him. How sad. Four years of marriage. I think about what we would have done. We never really said. I think we would have gone somewhere tropical. He loved the water. He loved to frolick. I haven’t decided how to spend that day. It’s St Patty’s Day so there’s never a shortage of things to do. I’ve toyed around with the idea of a spa day. I’ll probably have green beer. And I hope my brother sends me the most recent cut of our wedding video but, even if he doesn’t, I’ll watch the one I have. I was going to open our wine box but I’ve decided to stick to the plan of opening it on our 5th anniversary.

I think about what this year once held. This would have been the year that we tried to start a family. Well..to expand our family. I never wanted children. Ever. In fact, if you’re close to me you’ve probably heard the story about our first conversation about children. It was the week of 4th of July in 2010. He took me to meet his mom for the first time. She was so nice and we instantly hit it off. One of the very first conversations that we ever had was her telling me how she couldn’t wait to be a grandma and what a wonderful dad Paul would be. Inside, I was gasping for air–while outside I awkwardly smiled and nodded my head at her. After the visit ended, we climbed into his blue trail blazer and started the drive back to my house and my heart was pounding. It was pounding because I knew I had to say it. I told him that he might should find another girl if he wanted children because I didn’t want to have any. I remember exactly where we were…driving down hefner, making the curve around where the fish ponds are and the hill begins towards Hefner lake right before the stop light…and he turned to me and he said that he guessed he wasn’t having kids because it was too late…he’d rather have me with no children than the alternative. He wasn’t joking. He was matter of the fact. Which if you knew Paul, that was rare and I knew that he was 100% serious. But somewhere along our relationship I began to see him in a different light. Like this was a man that would make a great dad. And I didn’t want to deny him that. And even though I never wanted children, I wouldn’t mind having a child with him. At some point, I envisioned us old; living in a house in the country with a wrap around porch; and grandchildren that always wanted to visit their grandpa. And we talked and we decided that we would have one child; just the one; when I turned 30. And now…I’m turning 30. And Paul…he never got to be a father. And we won’t be old together. And sometimes I close my eyes and I see that country house. And it just lives in my mind now with no chance of ever becoming a reality.

People, jokingly, ask ‘how’s it feel to be turning 30’ or ‘are you feeling old’? And I always chuckled back but in the back of my mind, the number means nothing to me because this birthday isn’t what it was supposed to be. And in a couple months, I will have officially lived longer than Paul got to be on this earth. And that sucks. So I’m not so excited about this birthday. I don’t feel old really. Contrary, I feel like I have so much left to do in my life and my whole life to get it done.

On a happier note, Lisa and I are going to the Bahamas for my 30th birthday! I’m gonna kiss a dolphin on my birthday and I’m pretty wickedly excited about that. After much debating, I bought a bathing suit; actually, two. And they are bikinis. This is a first for me. I am not saying that bigger girls shouldn’t wear bikinis. Girl, if you feel good in it–do it, rock it out. I admire those girls. I, on the other hand, am not one of those girls. I see every imperfection. And where I had these mounds of fat now is lots of jiggly skin and you can’t even see my belly button. I definitely don’t have a bikini body but I am very proud of how far I’ve come. And I do believe in self love. I think of it this way…sometimes you gotta fake it til you make it. I feel this way about the bikini. I’ll probably never have a perfect body. I’ll always be imperfect. I’ll always have jiggly parts and stretch marks. But I’ve done an amazing thing. I’ve lost over 180 lbs and if it were anyone else, I’d tell em to rock it out. So I’m taking my own advice.

On the weight loss front, I received an email from Dietbet.com congratulating me on my weightloss and wanting to feature me and my story on their website. I thought about it and almost didn’t respond because I’m not sure about their position on bariatric surgery but I decided to respond. And, hey, either way…it’s still pretty awesome to get a personal email congratulating me from the Head Referee Manager of Dietbet and asked to be part of the Hall of Fame.

Surgery wise: I’m about 8 weeks post op. I’m officially off weight restrictions and tomorrow will be my first day back at work without restriction. My surgeon has just told me to listen to my body as I continue to heal and if it hurts, don’t do it. I’m physically feeling stronger every day. I’ve stayed consistent in my weight training and continued to do a minimum of 200 crunches daily and each day alternating arm training and squats. I’ve started to form a bicep. Don’t laugh at me. Okay…yes it sounds funny BUT I’ve literally NEVER seen any muscle definition on any part of my body ever. It’s pretty exciting and it’s encouraging me to keep going.

Until next time, stay well ya’ll

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