Tag Archives: plasticsurgery

Coping with Stress; Bikini Ready.

March 6, 2017 Jessica 3 Comments

How do you deal with stress? Are you a stress eater? Take it out on the gym? Lash out at loved ones? How do you cope?

My go to has always been food. I could always ‘solve’ any emotion with a full belly. I found in comfort in the satiation feeling after a sugary treat or every greasy thing off of the Taco Bell menu.

These days it is a little different. If you follow me on Facebook or IG, you have probably seen my healthiest and newest outlet: exercise. In my vision of the healthiest person inside and out is a person who doesn’t abuse themselves with substances (i.e. fast food, alcohol, smoking, etc.) and who channels their frustrations into healthier avenues.

Lately my world is just like yours. Not the picture that you see on social media. I try my very best not to air all of my laundry there. In recent weeks some stressors that I’ve been enduring are that I’ve started a new semester of classes to finish out my BSN, working out almost daily, struggles with processes/politics at works and the biggest one, my siblings and I have taken over the healthcare of my father. I won’t weigh this post down with the ins and outs of this process but it has become a day in and out stress. To say that I’m experiencing caregiver fatigue is a gross understatement.

The always there stress of grief is a constant in my life but with everything else that has been going on I’ve been pushing it to the back. I tell myself I’ll think of it later. I’ve purposely been pushing thoughts of Paul and our upcoming would-be 5th wedding anniversary to the back of my mind; refusing to deal with it for lack of time. How crazy is that? Like it is like in my mind that I can compartmentalize this kind thing, stick it on a to-do list and get to it when I have the time. It has worked oh…not too badly until yesterday. Yesterday it hit me. All at once. BOOM! On a day that was already rationed to be a 100% study day, I spent the better part of the day in full effect, ugly tears that demanded vocalization. You know what I’m talking about. I cried so hard that I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t focus. And all I could think on was him and how cruel life is. I reached out to my friends for support. They were helpful. I ended my night with a pup taking up 3/4 of my bed and a tear stained pillow.

Anyways…I digress…

Exercise has been a good outlet for me these last 8 weeks. It has given me something to focus on that isn’t for anyone but myself. I’m a goal oriented person. I enjoy having a list and checking things off. And so January 4th after I was cleared for activity, I set to complete 6 Week Abs with Jillian Micheals and Couch-2-5K. I’ve been the most consistent and compliant that I have ever been since beginning this journey in May 2014. I’ve taken progress pictures everyday because I’m a firm believer in them; although, I’m sure that some people are really tired of seeing this bellah! I’m trying to transition from being scale focused to focusing on my overall health and the way that I feel. My body just doesn’t want to let go and get under 153 (which is my lightest so far) and she feels most comfortable at 155. I have always had the goal of getting to 149 so that I wouldn’t be classified as over weight but let’s face it…I love tacos, alcohol and chocolate too much! What is life if I had to give it all up? A life of protein and veggies only is a bland life and I’m nothing of the sort. I calculated my body fat percentage which was somewhere around 27-28%. That’s average not overweight so bam! This is the healthiest that I have ever felt in my life.

I’m now trying my best to focus on some self love. To not be so rigid in my activities and goals but to just let it be. I started doing yoga on most mornings and I love it. It is so relaxing. And tomorrow I will be exchanging my Jillian 6 Week Abs for Jillian’s Bun Burner. I’ll be working on that a few times a week and continuing with my C25K–trying to improve my stamina/endurance.

So are we ready for some pictures? {FYI…there’s not a difference in weight in these pictures!!}

I’m comfortably fitting in a range of sizes. lol. The vanity sizing in America is rather comical. I’m anywhere from a 6 to a 8 depending. These thick thighs are usually the determining factor though. But I’d be lying if I told you that it didn’t make me giddy to buy a pair of size 6 jeans that didn’t require aerobics to get into and that lack a muffin top

20170217_115515 — Rue 21 junior size 7/8

20170217_115550 — No muffin top; not ‘sucking it in’ (Feb 2017)

20170209_174139 — Size 6 with some room (Feb 2017)

Abdominoplasty Post Op 4 Months

I’m healing very well from surgery. I couldn’t be more pleased with my results. I can’t even explain how wonderful it feels to not have that pannus anymore. I hate running but I love that when I run that there isn’t the sound or feel of my stomach slapping my thighs. I love that I am no longer self conscious about the way my body looks. I’m so proud of what I have accomplished and continue to accomplish. I’m looking forward to summer for the first time in my entire life because I can actually wear a suit without fear of my belly plopping out.

Below, the green shorts, are my “surgery goal shorts”. They are a size 4 and I couldn’t begin to button them prior to surgery. Now it is time for before and after over load!

Above all, love yourself. You deserve to be happy. Without it, what is life? Live this day. Love this day. Thanks for all of your support.

Love,

Jess

Week 3: Roll Free…That’s Me!

December 6, 2016 Jessica Leave a comment

I can’t believe that it has been 3 weeks already! Time really has just flown by.

My activity tolerance is greatly increasing which is great. I can now start bending as tolerated. Whoa. That’s a stretch. I am still so tight and this makes it very difficult to bend. Having this restriction lifted has made putting on my body suit (body shaper) immensely easier; although, it still is not easy!! Now that I am able to get in and out of it on my own I have increased my wound care. I’m now doing wound care daily versus every other day. I think that this has been extremely helpful and my incisions are remarkably improved. Still the area of concern for me is my pelvis. It really is the most painful part (it is still swollen…gravity ya know). I’m drowning this incision with bacitracin and bandaging it (Um ..can we say OW…freaking mini wax everyday). After showering, I am laying out to try to give all of my wounds some air.

Also, my buttcrack incision is not entirely closed so I have begun to dress that as well. In the second week, it was causing a quite deal of pain but not anymore. Now it’s itchy! My butt cheeks have still not dropped. The right is better than the left though. So at this point, I still have what reminds me of that scene in Sex and the City when Samantha sleeps with that wicked old but insanely rich guy but just when she sees his naked ass walk to the bathroom, she bolts. My ass reminds me of his. But…it looks good in pants. So…fortunately for most…Lisa is the only one that has to bear to look at this…well and you that are reading this. HAHA.

I am standing more upright now. I’m working on my posture but it is difficult. The swelling in my hips is pretty close to gone. I’m very satisfied with how smooth my outer thighs are. My tummy is roll free and now I just have this little pooch. I remember all my life enviously seeing girls with pooches like this. It seems rather unreal that this is me. I have found myself worrying if I’m sweating under my roll…then I have to catch myself and say…we don’t have that roll anymore. But still I check when I go to the bathroom…because I’m so NOT neurotic. And there ya go…dry.

Also, today I was cleaning out my drawers. Well attempting to. And so many garments to subdue the rolls. And I’m not exactly sure what size panties I am…so I actually didn’t throw any of them out. My drawer houses panties from S-XL. Hey..if they don’t fall..they fit right? Not really…because some of the bikinis and boyshorts sit at my new waist. Weird. Like isn’t there where briefs sit?

I took notice when I was walking that I didn’t feel my belly or panties touching the top of my thighs. That’s like way embarrassing to admit but it’s true. These are things fat girls deal with every freaking day…damp rolls, panties to hold the rolls and roll flops. But I’m roll free now. Whatever will I do with myself…when I do a jumping jack. Eek. I’m pretty excited. Now I’m can die from the pain of my gasping breath rather than from the embarrassment of a pannus flop out of my yoga pants!

As you can see, almost all of my incisions are approximated. The lines are smooth and thin (with exception of my pelvis).

20161130_194023_HDR — Week 3 Post op Lower Body Lift. Healing nicely. Bikini panties hide all of the incisions!!!

And anyone who has spoken to me in the last couple weeks knows my obsession. BELLY BUTTON! Guys…I just can’t tell you how awesome it is to see it. I can’t wait to get cleared for exercise because I am determined to get this belly transformed into abs!!

I’m entering into week four which means that I go back to work next week!! Oh…and I ventured out to buy a new set of scrubs. And even though the top has a stretchy side panel…I got XXS top and S bottoms!!! Eep! I’ll post pics in my week 4 post!

Let’s talk emotions. I’ve have been doing so much better this go around but I’m not without obstacles. This is a very hard time of year for me (for all of us). I miss Paul immensely. As I’ve mentioned so many times, I feel that the more I change…the more I leave me behind. I struggle with this constantly. I look at my body and I’m so proud of how it has transformed, how healthy I am. When I sit and think about the road I was on previously and the change in navigation, I’m truly astonished. I think about all of the things I have done and all the things that I hope to do and it is amazing. I reflect on statements that I’m making…how I’m excited to work out so that I can have abs! That’s crazy. This Jessica doesn’t do that…OH but she does! And I’m so happy about all of this. But then there’s that other side and, man, do I struggle with this bitch. The more I change…the more I don’t feel the same. Although I love what I see in the mirror, I don’t really recognize her. I was looking at pictures from Thanksgiving and I thought…who is that girl. The similarity between my mom, myself and Jamie was always so undeniable but now…I don’t know. And I see pictures of my beautiful niece, Autumn, and my niece I haven’t meet yet…and their resemblance to Jamie is awesome. And sometimes this makes me question my identity. Who am I? Paul isn’t here. Just me and that mirror. Lisa has told me multiple times that I am the same girl…and mentions my eyes and my smile. So I got pictures from my sisters and niece to put side by side. All beautiful fair complected brown eyed brunettes. Three ladies that I think of to try to reign in my tether…

It’s just a constant struggle.

Hoping that one day…these two images will merge into one for me. I just hope to one day be whole. Love you all. Thank you for your support!

IMG_20161204_204038 — Pictured L-R: Jennifer (my older sister); Jamie (my younger sister) Autumn (my niece) and myself.

UDDER Construction! Surgery Day: 360 Abdominoplasty

November 10, 2016 Jessica 2 Comments

20161109_203746 — My ‘udders’. This a great angle to represent how severely my stomach hangs! 11/2016

Today is the day. I can’t believe that it is actually here. I woke up with bubble gut and is the first time I have felt the anxiety of this surgery in full affect. Today I will have an 360 abdominoplasty or rather body contouring. You can google it if you want the details as to what all that entails. It’s a pretty invasive procedure to remove all of my extra skin from my trunk. It is expected to be a 6 hour surgery with a 1 night overnight stay. I will come home with at least 2 JP drains, be off work for 4 weeks and on restriction for about 8 weeks. I have lots of support set up and I’m so thankful to have such wonderful nursing friends. My mom and Lisa will both be with me today. Mom is staying the night. Lisa is on Mollie duty. I’m so lucky to have Lisa who has without question been my rock. She plans to stay with me for 4 days.

Alot of people have commented to me that I don’t have a belly or that I really don’t have skin to remove. I have addressed this in previous blogs. Ultimately, it is my choice. I have worked extremely hard to accomplish the weight loss and health status that I have today. For those that think that weight loss surgery for a morbidly obese person is the easy way out, you are ignorant. It is a hard thing to do. Anyone who is significantly overweight and who has tried to lose weight already knows the struggle.

Collage 2016-10-23 13_00_51 — Comparisons of my belly November 2016. They look like UDDERS!

20161109_204629 — My belly hangs down about 6 inches at this point. I can’t tell you how uncomfortable this made me to have my sister take this measurement.

This surgery is very emotional for me. As mentioned so many times, I don’t recall a time ever when I didn’t have a belly that hung. I was never that cute pudgy girl that had the pooch. I, instead, got my father’s stomach. A pendulous belly that folds at the top of my pubis and just hangs there. It moves. It’s uncomfortable. It is all too often wet with heat or exercise. And this surgery takes that away for me. On the flip, I am concerned as to what I will see when I look in the mirror. I want to feel like an improved version of myself and ultimately still myself. While I rationally know that I am who I am…the mind, man, it fucks with you.

Paul weighs heavily on my mind today and has for weeks. This is like the exclamation point on my body transformation. And he is missing it. Sure, he doesn’t have to deal with my whining, stubborn self…but he is missing out on the finale. He was such a huge supporter of mine. He truly wanted me to be happy. He saw the gorgeous even when all I could see was adipose tissue. I’m sad that he isn’t here. I’m sad that he hasn’t gotten to participate in the journey. And it makes me anxious that who I see is not who he saw. And that I changed it.

All that aside, I’m living a genuine life. I don’t hesitate to do what I want to do. I set goals and I achieve them. Everything that Paul and I dreamed of, I’m making it happen. I have taken the spirit and essence of who he was and what he stood for and I have made it a part of who I am and how I think. I am proud of that. That gives me comfort. I’ll love him always.

I shared this picture of me sitting in front of the mirror. Belly tucked, belly out. I love this picture. I feel beautiful. I see in this picture all that I try to hide and that I have really tried to strip away.

This was a huge NSV for me. I can never imagine a time when I would have EVER shown my belly to other people; let alone, social media. I have come a long way. It is just really important to me to be transparent. I have collected quite a few followers (who I am eternally thankful for) and I want them to know my raw struggle. And to know that you aren’t alone.

These progress pictures are INSANE and seem UNREAL! I don’t know which is more unbelievable…that I was that size or that I am now this size. They are both unfathomable to me. I have certainly come a hell of a way. I’m excited to take this next step.

Collage 2016-11-10 06_14_39 — Original weigh in shirt!!! Then 295. Now 160.

I want to thank EVERYONE for all of the support. I have truly been overwhelmed by the amount of love and support that has come from my friends, strangers and co workers. It truly is humbling. I can never put to words how this all makes me feel. I’m just so very thankful. And during a time in our world where so much is uncertain; where there is so much hate and hurt; it is refreshing, uplifting and reaffirms my faith in the common goodness of people. I love you all. Stay tuned…

Could have been a mom; 8 weeks post op; To bikini or to not? Graphic Images

March 14, 2016 Jessica 4 Comments

Collage 2016-03-13 20_20_29 — First time to wear a bikini (as an adult) P.S. These bottoms…$2.52!!!

**insert something profound**

***loading….

I’ve got nothing. Zelch. I don’t even know if that’s how you spell that word but you get what I’m saying. These past couple nights have been really rough. With our upcoming wedding anniversary and my 30th birthday just shortly after, it has just left me feeling…a little empty. Four years we would have been married. This will be my second to “celebrate” without him. So officially I will have “celebrated” as many with him as without him. How sad. Four years of marriage. I think about what we would have done. We never really said. I think we would have gone somewhere tropical. He loved the water. He loved to frolick. I haven’t decided how to spend that day. It’s St Patty’s Day so there’s never a shortage of things to do. I’ve toyed around with the idea of a spa day. I’ll probably have green beer. And I hope my brother sends me the most recent cut of our wedding video but, even if he doesn’t, I’ll watch the one I have. I was going to open our wine box but I’ve decided to stick to the plan of opening it on our 5th anniversary.

I think about what this year once held. This would have been the year that we tried to start a family. Well..to expand our family. I never wanted children. Ever. In fact, if you’re close to me you’ve probably heard the story about our first conversation about children. It was the week of 4th of July in 2010. He took me to meet his mom for the first time. She was so nice and we instantly hit it off. One of the very first conversations that we ever had was her telling me how she couldn’t wait to be a grandma and what a wonderful dad Paul would be. Inside, I was gasping for air–while outside I awkwardly smiled and nodded my head at her. After the visit ended, we climbed into his blue trail blazer and started the drive back to my house and my heart was pounding. It was pounding because I knew I had to say it. I told him that he might should find another girl if he wanted children because I didn’t want to have any. I remember exactly where we were…driving down hefner, making the curve around where the fish ponds are and the hill begins towards Hefner lake right before the stop light…and he turned to me and he said that he guessed he wasn’t having kids because it was too late…he’d rather have me with no children than the alternative. He wasn’t joking. He was matter of the fact. Which if you knew Paul, that was rare and I knew that he was 100% serious. But somewhere along our relationship I began to see him in a different light. Like this was a man that would make a great dad. And I didn’t want to deny him that. And even though I never wanted children, I wouldn’t mind having a child with him. At some point, I envisioned us old; living in a house in the country with a wrap around porch; and grandchildren that always wanted to visit their grandpa. And we talked and we decided that we would have one child; just the one; when I turned 30. And now…I’m turning 30. And Paul…he never got to be a father. And we won’t be old together. And sometimes I close my eyes and I see that country house. And it just lives in my mind now with no chance of ever becoming a reality.

People, jokingly, ask ‘how’s it feel to be turning 30’ or ‘are you feeling old’? And I always chuckled back but in the back of my mind, the number means nothing to me because this birthday isn’t what it was supposed to be. And in a couple months, I will have officially lived longer than Paul got to be on this earth. And that sucks. So I’m not so excited about this birthday. I don’t feel old really. Contrary, I feel like I have so much left to do in my life and my whole life to get it done.

On a happier note, Lisa and I are going to the Bahamas for my 30th birthday! I’m gonna kiss a dolphin on my birthday and I’m pretty wickedly excited about that. After much debating, I bought a bathing suit; actually, two. And they are bikinis. This is a first for me. I am not saying that bigger girls shouldn’t wear bikinis. Girl, if you feel good in it–do it, rock it out. I admire those girls. I, on the other hand, am not one of those girls. I see every imperfection. And where I had these mounds of fat now is lots of jiggly skin and you can’t even see my belly button. I definitely don’t have a bikini body but I am very proud of how far I’ve come. And I do believe in self love. I think of it this way…sometimes you gotta fake it til you make it. I feel this way about the bikini. I’ll probably never have a perfect body. I’ll always be imperfect. I’ll always have jiggly parts and stretch marks. But I’ve done an amazing thing. I’ve lost over 180 lbs and if it were anyone else, I’d tell em to rock it out. So I’m taking my own advice.

firstbikini — Bikini Confidence! You can ALMOST see my belly button. lol. Siiiiike!

On the weight loss front, I received an email from Dietbet.com congratulating me on my weightloss and wanting to feature me and my story on their website. I thought about it and almost didn’t respond because I’m not sure about their position on bariatric surgery but I decided to respond. And, hey, either way…it’s still pretty awesome to get a personal email congratulating me from the Head Referee Manager of Dietbet and asked to be part of the Hall of Fame.

Surgery wise: I’m about 8 weeks post op. I’m officially off weight restrictions and tomorrow will be my first day back at work without restriction. My surgeon has just told me to listen to my body as I continue to heal and if it hurts, don’t do it. I’m physically feeling stronger every day. I’ve stayed consistent in my weight training and continued to do a minimum of 200 crunches daily and each day alternating arm training and squats. I’ve started to form a bicep. Don’t laugh at me. Okay…yes it sounds funny BUT I’ve literally NEVER seen any muscle definition on any part of my body ever. It’s pretty exciting and it’s encouraging me to keep going.

Until next time, stay well ya’ll

Transformation Through Loss

Tag Archives: plasticsurgery

Coping with Stress; Bikini Ready.

Week 3: Roll Free…That’s Me!

UDDER Construction! Surgery Day: 360 Abdominoplasty

Could have been a mom; 8 weeks post op; To bikini or to not? Graphic Images

A Widow's Journey: ~Weight loss~ ~Change~Skin Removal~Life~