Tag Archives: gastric bypass

Coping with Stress; Bikini Ready.

March 6, 2017 Jessica 3 Comments

How do you deal with stress? Are you a stress eater? Take it out on the gym? Lash out at loved ones? How do you cope?

My go to has always been food. I could always ‘solve’ any emotion with a full belly. I found in comfort in the satiation feeling after a sugary treat or every greasy thing off of the Taco Bell menu.

These days it is a little different. If you follow me on Facebook or IG, you have probably seen my healthiest and newest outlet: exercise. In my vision of the healthiest person inside and out is a person who doesn’t abuse themselves with substances (i.e. fast food, alcohol, smoking, etc.) and who channels their frustrations into healthier avenues.

Lately my world is just like yours. Not the picture that you see on social media. I try my very best not to air all of my laundry there. In recent weeks some stressors that I’ve been enduring are that I’ve started a new semester of classes to finish out my BSN, working out almost daily, struggles with processes/politics at works and the biggest one, my siblings and I have taken over the healthcare of my father. I won’t weigh this post down with the ins and outs of this process but it has become a day in and out stress. To say that I’m experiencing caregiver fatigue is a gross understatement.

The always there stress of grief is a constant in my life but with everything else that has been going on I’ve been pushing it to the back. I tell myself I’ll think of it later. I’ve purposely been pushing thoughts of Paul and our upcoming would-be 5th wedding anniversary to the back of my mind; refusing to deal with it for lack of time. How crazy is that? Like it is like in my mind that I can compartmentalize this kind thing, stick it on a to-do list and get to it when I have the time. It has worked oh…not too badly until yesterday. Yesterday it hit me. All at once. BOOM! On a day that was already rationed to be a 100% study day, I spent the better part of the day in full effect, ugly tears that demanded vocalization. You know what I’m talking about. I cried so hard that I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t focus. And all I could think on was him and how cruel life is. I reached out to my friends for support. They were helpful. I ended my night with a pup taking up 3/4 of my bed and a tear stained pillow.

Anyways…I digress…

Exercise has been a good outlet for me these last 8 weeks. It has given me something to focus on that isn’t for anyone but myself. I’m a goal oriented person. I enjoy having a list and checking things off. And so January 4th after I was cleared for activity, I set to complete 6 Week Abs with Jillian Micheals and Couch-2-5K. I’ve been the most consistent and compliant that I have ever been since beginning this journey in May 2014. I’ve taken progress pictures everyday because I’m a firm believer in them; although, I’m sure that some people are really tired of seeing this bellah! I’m trying to transition from being scale focused to focusing on my overall health and the way that I feel. My body just doesn’t want to let go and get under 153 (which is my lightest so far) and she feels most comfortable at 155. I have always had the goal of getting to 149 so that I wouldn’t be classified as over weight but let’s face it…I love tacos, alcohol and chocolate too much! What is life if I had to give it all up? A life of protein and veggies only is a bland life and I’m nothing of the sort. I calculated my body fat percentage which was somewhere around 27-28%. That’s average not overweight so bam! This is the healthiest that I have ever felt in my life.

I’m now trying my best to focus on some self love. To not be so rigid in my activities and goals but to just let it be. I started doing yoga on most mornings and I love it. It is so relaxing. And tomorrow I will be exchanging my Jillian 6 Week Abs for Jillian’s Bun Burner. I’ll be working on that a few times a week and continuing with my C25K–trying to improve my stamina/endurance.

So are we ready for some pictures? {FYI…there’s not a difference in weight in these pictures!!}

I’m comfortably fitting in a range of sizes. lol. The vanity sizing in America is rather comical. I’m anywhere from a 6 to a 8 depending. These thick thighs are usually the determining factor though. But I’d be lying if I told you that it didn’t make me giddy to buy a pair of size 6 jeans that didn’t require aerobics to get into and that lack a muffin top

20170217_115515 — Rue 21 junior size 7/8

20170217_115550 — No muffin top; not ‘sucking it in’ (Feb 2017)

20170209_174139 — Size 6 with some room (Feb 2017)

Abdominoplasty Post Op 4 Months

I’m healing very well from surgery. I couldn’t be more pleased with my results. I can’t even explain how wonderful it feels to not have that pannus anymore. I hate running but I love that when I run that there isn’t the sound or feel of my stomach slapping my thighs. I love that I am no longer self conscious about the way my body looks. I’m so proud of what I have accomplished and continue to accomplish. I’m looking forward to summer for the first time in my entire life because I can actually wear a suit without fear of my belly plopping out.

Below, the green shorts, are my “surgery goal shorts”. They are a size 4 and I couldn’t begin to button them prior to surgery. Now it is time for before and after over load!

Above all, love yourself. You deserve to be happy. Without it, what is life? Live this day. Love this day. Thanks for all of your support.

Love,

Jess

From Pretty Pannus to Pretty Panties

December 9, 2016 Jessica Leave a comment

Currently I am in Outpatient Surgery waiting on Lisa while she has her uterus evicted. I’m glad that this day has finally come for her and that I get to be here for her.

Yesterday marked my 4 week post op mark! It seems like forever but also like a blink of an eye. Weird how that goes. I got my release to go back to work Monday on light duty. I went to work to turn all that in and it was so nice to see all of my co-workers. I really REALLY have missed them! They are so sweet! I really do have an amazing work family.

In preparation for my return to work, I bought a new pair of scrubs. That was quite the workout. I refused to take my clothes off to try them on for fear I would tire and not be able to get them back on. lol. It was pretty exciting though. I bought an XS top (it does have a stretchy side panel) and a petite small pant! Wow! I just can’t believe it. To top that off, I tried on my medium scrubs and they are so baggy now. Thank goodness for drawstrings because scrubs are so expensive!!

While at the surgeon’s office, I had them take a look at my pelvis incision because it STILL is not approximated! Well…turns out that there were some staples that are suppose to dissolve which had poked through under the glue and have kept my incision from healing properly!! She pulled the remaining staple and after just a day it already looks so much better.

Collage 2016-12-08 17_59_35 — On the bottom left photo, you can see the white string looking thing…that is the culprit….the dissolvable staple!!!

Overall, my incisions are looking really good. I’m very pleased with them except my pelvis. The swelling has really gone down quite a bit. As you can see, the swelling in my hips was quite severe and now it has calmed down.

My activity tolerance is better. Showers still continue to be a workout. Sigh. I’m now having back pain. It is in my lower back. It sucks because there isn’t much that I can do about it since I can’t stretch or get an adjustment. Basically, I’m just really tight and I think I’ve slept wrong…couple that with inactivity and VOILA back pain! I talked to my exercise physiologist and she suggested ham string stretches. That has REALLY helped. I’ve also been using essential oils and alternating cold/hot packs. Slowly but surely I’m getting there.

Mobility wise I’m doing a lot better. My abs and back are so tight that I can’t arch either way. I can ALMOST bend all the way over but have to squat just a little bit to touch the ground. I’m not able to twist yet. I can tolerate lying on my sides and back. The numbness in my booty is still there. I’m not sure if the severity is less or I’m just used to the ‘bubble butt’. Again, it feels like I have two half deflated balls in my buttcheeks!

I had my 2 year bariatric surgery follow up. I was quite nervous about going in because of the weigh in. I remember from last surgery I gained over 10 lbs in water weight and it took me over a month to lose it. And this surgery was much more invasive. Although they removed at least 7lbs of skin/tissue, I knew that I’d still be up on the scale. Because I know myself, I put my scale up before surgery so that I wouldn’t be torturing myself with the numbers! I was 162ish pre-op and I weighed in at 158.3. Last weigh in at the doctor in July was 157.8. I was relieved but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t bothered by the gain. It was my first gain at the doctor since July 2014. My APRN laughed at me and told me I was silly. Pfft. I’m trying really hard not to be weight obsessive and look at the bigger picture. My blood pressure was 122/69. My HR 67. I fit in the chairs with extra space. My belly didn’t sit on my lap when I sat on the examine table. I’m excited to exercise next year. I surely have come a long way. As my best buddy Kati said ..I’ve gone from pretty pannus to pretty panties! Love you all!

Collage 2016-12-09 07_30_01 — From pannus to panties. I’m wearing panties in both pictures but now you can see them!

Post-Op Day 6: It’s All So Tight!!

November 16, 2016 Jessica 1 Comment

Surgery day has come and gone. My mom, Lisa and one of my bestest gal pals were all there to send me to surgery. I didn’t sleep much the night before but I was still bright eyed and ready to go!

The pre-op nurse stuck me twice before a second nurse got me on her first try. My vital signs were withing normal limits but I was sweaty as the nerves took over–especially under my belly and I thought about how this will no longer be an issue. The nurse read a clause of my living will and complemented me on it. My doctor came in and we discussed additional questions the he marked my body.

Collage 2016-11-15 04_36_21 — Pre Op Lower Body Lift 11/10/16: surgeons marks. On my LLQ he wrote “BYE”

Hugs and kisses right before they took me back and 8 hours later, I woke up in my hospital room with my mom and Lisa by side. The evening went well with moderate pain. They discontinued my foley quickly and getting up the first time was a struggle but I did it with minimal assistance. I was able to walk around the floor. I wasn’t too hungry but did eat a smidgen before bedtime.

20161110_212253 — Successfully got myself back into bed!

The most difficult part came when Lisa had to go. I was so emotional. I just had this rush of feelings that came over me and I couldn’t control them. I cried and I cried hard. It’s fuzzy but I just kept telling her that I don’t want her to go as Lisa and mom tried to comfort me. And I ‘knew’ that everything was okay but I just had this collision of feelings processing the surgery day and the surgery day that happened 2 years prior…when I never saw Paul again. I was so afraid that I wouldn’t see Lisa again. Mom eventually just had to tell Lisa to go. And shortly after she left, I was able to calm down and Mom and I chatted all night long.

20161111_075944_Burst01 — First look at my incision

The next morning my surgeon was prompt to come by to check on me. He took down all of my dressings and told me how great everything looked. I looked down and was like “holy hell! I can see my vagina!” The oncoming nurse was there and congratulated me and was excited with me. It was such an emotional moment!

Over the weekend, Lisa took AMAZING care of me. She kept up with all of my meds, emptied my drains, moved the couch so she could sleep next to me, etc. I can’t say enough good things about her.

Everything is soooooo tight! The drains are uncomfortable. I am wearing an abdominal binder and everything itches! My surgeon forewarned me that I wouldn’t be able to walk completely upright for awhile and boy was he right!! I’m really glad that I rented a recliner and that I have lots of pillows because positioning is key!

I’m lucky to have had my two nurse buddies come by to help Lisa and I with showers. Showering is quite the work out, even with two people helping you. Seeing myself in the mirror this time was not as traumatic as my previous surgery. I had definitely prepared myself for it. It was really odd seeing myself in the mirror. There I stood…no udder. Ive never been able to see my belly button and now…I have a belly button!! Overall, it was exciting and I didn’t cry.

Sleeping is an issue right now and it isn’t just one thing. It is a combination: I’m in pain, uncomfortable and emotional. At this point, I’m able to do almost everything for myself except for showering and picking stuff up. So I’m hoping to not HAVE to have a overnight sitter by the end of the week. I’m working on building up my endurance, standing more upright and pain management.

Tomorrow is my 1 week post op appointment and I am really hoping to get at least one of my JP drains out.

Leaving The Dichotomy: Finding a Genuine Me

October 14, 2016 Jessica 1 Comment

With only 26 days until my BIG 360 abdominoplasty–anxiety, emotions and to-do lists are through the roof. Everyone asks ‘are you ready?’ ‘ Are you nervous?’ Well…the answer is as follows: FUCK YEA! (And if you were close to Paul–you read that as ‘fooooooook yaaaaaa’)

I have been preparing for this all year. I’m not really nervous about the surgery. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m a nurse or because I have the utmost confidence in my surgeon or if it’s because I’ve gone through it before but I’m just not really worried about that. I know they will take great care of me. What I am nervous about: the psychological. When I had my brachioplasty and mastoplasty done earlier this year, I really underestimated the psychological toll that it would have on me. After having some wicked panic attacks, bouts of depression and anxiety—I pushed my 360 from May 2016 to November 2016.

In preparation, I saw my psychologist that I saw prior to my bariatric surgery. We had an amazing session and he really helped me get a better grasp on what has been going on in my mind and how to better deal with it this go around. So let’s dive into it.

What’s my problem?

I have thought this entire time that I had a bit of body dysmorphic disorder but after speaking to him, it isn’t so much that as it is that I’m experiencing a dichotomy.

a division or contrast between two things that are or are represented as being opposed or entirely different.

Basically, the more I change the less I’m me–in my mind. He assured me that this is very common in bariatrics but that my circumstance intensified this phenomenon for me. As most bariatric patients when they look in the mirror and have a freak out moment “OMG what have I done? I’m not me anymore! I don’t look like Jessica!!” they would have a spouse or significant other or best friend that would be their anchor that would assure them that they are the same person. If Paul were here, he would be able to stop me in these moments and say “Yes you are! Your smile is the same. Your eyes. I love you.” etc… Each day they would come home and do the same routine.You might still gab with your best gal pal. You’d still be doing all the things that make you–YOU. These people are your anchors and they tether you to WHO you are. I was cheated out of this. I lost Paul. Then 6 weeks later my best friend of 20+ years cut off all contact with me. Because of the grief experienced by all of my family, I was disconnected, in a sense, from them. Essentially, I’ve just been free floating–not connected to myself.

There are interactions that add to me feeling disconnected with myself. I’ve talked about this before–in my mind I’m the fat girl. It is who I have always been and in my mind I’m still that girl. There have been countless instances where people have made comments or looked at me like I’m skinny. BUT in my mind (and I probably wear it on my face), I’m like ‘what the fuck did you just say to me? Don’t you know I’m a fat girl, too?’ And these instances make me feel like I’m even more not me.

To add insult to injury, I have a large amount of guilt. I feel that Paul was jilted. And although I know rationally that I haven’t taken anything from him, I feel almost that the more I change, experience life and go on with out him that I am jipping him. He was there through nursing school and he supported me in my decision to get healthy but he doesn’t get to reap the rewards of these things. And it fucking sucks!

So the panic that I felt after surgery was pretty much all of this–wrapped up in an anxiety ridden ball of mess. And I exploded. Because plastic surgery is instant. With the weight loss, it has been gradual. And the blows to my ‘identity’ are like little pricks. But when you go under the knife then you wake and ‘BOOM’ you look like someone else…it’s overwhelming!

What’s the solution?

I’ve gotta change my mindset. I’ve got to realize a few things here. The first is that of change. VERY few people actually like change. We are all creatures of habit. I have to recognize and accept that I DO NOT have control over change. Change was ultimately going to occur whether Paul died or not. Would my path have been different than this? Yes. But it was going to be different nonetheless. I could look at it this way: what if I didn’t have the surgery? I could be 400 lbs with DM, HTN, CAD and working my way to a heart attack. Change is hard. But what makes THIS change hardest is that I had a hand in the change. I DECIDED that I didn’t want to be obese anymore so I CHANGED it. I DECIDED that I didn’t want saggy boobs and bat wings so I CHANGED it. I DECIDED that I didn’t want to have a flap of skin sitting on top my vagina so I’m CHANGING it! All of these things, I’ve perpetuated the change. And referring back to the beginning…the dichotomy…here lies the problem.

My psychologist asked me a really insightful question: “Jessica, do you think that you were living a genuine life before?”

I really had to think about it. I thought I was but, now, I look back and know that I wasn’t. I think about alllll the reasons that I had that motivated me to change: I wanted to travel, I wanted to be active, I wanted to be social, I wanted to sky dive, I wanted to ride rollercoasters, I wanted to dance, etc. I didn’t do ANY of these things as I reached my heaviest weight and THAT was disingenuous. So in actuality, it is NOT that I’m leaving Paul or that the more I change that I’m not me–it is that the more I change, the MORE genuine of a life I am living. I am being true to who I am, how I think and what I want. And I probably am living a more genuine life than ever before and I am coming into my own. Living my life and having all these experiences and accomplishing things that Paul and I dreamed of is not leaving him or jilting him: it is honoring him. I’m wearing my Paul Badge of Honor every day of my life now.

sailing2016 — Checking it off my bucket list. Sailing October 2016

I have felt significantly better being able to put all of this together. It is a working progress just as I am. I’m extra emotional as we are now at the end of the year. October-December used to be my all time favorites but now they are riddled with bitter sweet memories, heart wrenching moments and even more intense thoughts of my dear Paul. October 25 he would have been 32. November 12 marks the second anniversary of his death, my surgery and the end/beginning of my life. Then we have alllll the holidays—all his favorites. It’s a rough time of year for me and the family. We miss him dearly. And it is hard. It helps to talk about him. I’ve been seeing him in my dreams more often lately. And for a moment in my slumber all is well and then I wake up.

Pushing forward. That’s what I do. That’s what you should do too. Paul doesn’t get to be here but I am and you are. I refuse to waste it even though I’m still working on my identity.

Much Love!

mollie — Batgirl getting ready for Lisa’s 40th Birthday!

Give Up Perfection: Some Tips for Success

August 16, 2016 Jessica Leave a comment

13938224_10153588700901396_4747440746676883377_o — I was cleaning out for a garage sale and came across my ‘fat pants’. I can literally fit in one leg of these pants!!! Size 26/28 vs size 8

Perfection. Is there such a thing? Can a person be perfect? The answer is no. So why do we constantly set goals for perfection? As women in American culture, this is ingrained from an early age. We tend to think in absolutes. Being good; being bad. On the wagon; off the wagon. Success; failure. I’m on my own journey to try to reprogram myself and I hope to inspire others to reprogram as well.

I’ve had a few very frank conversations with women who are struggling with their weight, body image issues and/or have had weight loss surgery. I’m always delighted when someone seeks me for advice and inspiration. It’s humbling and fulfilling. The thought process that is echoed in every conversation is perfection. “I was bad” “I need to get it together” “I’ll be happier if I could just get to such&such weight”. But ladies, this is what we have to work towards changing.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am 100% guilty of all of the above. I have made all of these statements. I can’t recall if I’ve shared this with y’all before but one of the most eye opening conversations that I had was recently with a friend. We were talking about weight loss goals. I had mentioned that a co-worker had an ‘ideal figure’ and eluded that I’d be ‘happy’ if I could look that way. We called her over and asked her to share her height and weight. I am literally the SAME height. I weigh within 2 lbs of her and I wear the same size jeans. What the hell? So I had created this image of what I was trying to attain and I couldn’t even really see my own success. That was an eye opener for me.

The above interaction made me really think. I’ve always joked that I’m a perfectionist. I am in some sorts and it fares me well in my work and such things. But it doesn’t fare me well for my health, body image and overall happiness.

A friend recently was venting to me about her dissatisfaction with her weight loss. She had told me her weight loss and it was truly amazing and something to be proud of in my eyes. I inquired as to why she was dissatisfied. Her response was that ‘others were losing more than her’ and that she ‘hadn’t been as good as she could be’. And here lies the pitfall.

I’ve been here; I’m still here as a working progress. We should not compare our success to others. There will always be someone who surpasses you; there will always be someone who trails you. You have to place SUCCESS where it needs to be. You have to define it by your own standards; not by the success/failure of others. If we constantly are reaching for perfection as we see it on someone else or a perfection/success we have created, we will ALWAYS fall short. Every. Time.

How many times have you ‘fallen off the wagon’? I know I have probably a thousand times. This wagon puts us in this constant cycle–up down up down. Yo-Yo. And each time you have a down, you beat yourself up. We all do this in different ways but I guarantee that if you struggle with your weight like I have that you are NOT kind to yourself. You tell yourself all kinds of negative things and this just adds to the cycle.

I can remember so many diets. It seems I’ve been on a diet for forever. My weight has literally been on my mind from wake to sleep since I was probably about 12 years old. I’d get these plans in my mind about how I was going to get back on track TOMORROW. I was going to eat right, exercise hard core, no junk food. Tomorrow would come, maybe I’d eat really good all day and then night fall would come and I would binge. Then I’d feel awful. I’d beat myself up and label myself as a failure. THEN I’d eat even worse because now I was off my diet. And so the crazy cycle continued. Continued right on up to 341 lbs.

How do we fix this? How do we fix ourselves? I say–be kind. Be kind to yourself. Ditch the diet. Forgive yourself. Find happiness outside of food. These are my tips for success.

Be Kind. Only say things to yourself that you would say to others. So many times I have looked at myself with disgust and mentally bashed myself. But I wouldn’t DARE say these things to another person. What I practice now is some self love. Even when I feel fat or bloated, I find something positive. That’s the day I’ll put a lil extra make up on. Something to help me feel ‘prettier’.

Ditch the diet. Do I mean pig out? Heck no. It’s all about balance. How did you get those extra pounds? You were out of balance. You have heard this time and time again: moderation is the key–you must make a lifestyle change. And it is 100% true. We all want a magic pill that allows us to get the model figure over night and allows us to eat whatever the fuck we want. But that’s not reality. Whatever you decide to do to get healthy or lose weight has to be something that you can do forever. Think of it this way, if you starve yourself for the next couple weeks and drop a few pounds…the weeks following you’re going to eat and gain it back. It’s just the way it works. Calories in/calories out. I could write a whole blog over nutrition but how boring is that? My best advice for nutrition–keep it simple. Eat whole foods. Eat less junk. And if you have the junk, make it small and make it infrequent.

Forgive Yourself. You better believe this is important. Don’t beat yourself up. What good will that do? Not a damn bit. Okay…so you ate a whole box of cookies. It happens. Let it go. If you can, think on why you did it. What were you feeling? But more importantly, think about how eating that box of cookies made you feel and commit that to memory then move on. That next meal, you own it. Don’t harp on the ‘I was so bad’ thing. That isn’t going to get you anywhere. I love my sweets and if/when I overindulge I think about it afterwards now. Like ‘damn. I just ate that whole bag of Milanos over the course of one day. Now my belly hurts. Why did I do that? I was bored. Dang I really don’t like how my body feels right now and those cookies aren’t helping me reach my goals.’ Then you know what I do? I move on. If there are cookies left, I pitch them. Yep. Throw it out. That’s what I do. The next meal/snack I try to eat towards my goal (or rather towards my why).

Find Happiness Outside of Food. This is the big one. Live your life. Find what really gives you joy and do it. Don’t wait until you’re the perfect size. The perfect weight. That day won’t ever come. We are imperfect people and we are constantly changing. Shit happens. Don’t wait to live you life based on what you think the future you should look like or weigh. Most of us women eat emotionally, bored-happy-sad-lonely-mad-etc. We have to find things/activities to fill these voids. Find your void filler. Also, find and surround yourself with people that bring the best of you out. The people that don’t make you question yourself. The people who inspire you. Those people are a crucial key to lasting success. You are who you surround yourself with. I truly believe that.

Yes, I had bariatric surgery to get my excess weight off but I did the work. I’ve changed my life but more importantly, I’ve changed my outlook on life. I don’t wait for later. I try to live in the now. I want to be the best me possible but I accept that the best me will not be perfect. I’m currently still working on all of these things. It’s a daily practice. It doesn’t come naturally. It’s something I have to work at. But I can tell you this…this me is the most fulfilled I’ve ever been and it feels amazing!

Go do something outside your comfort zone today. Get active. Live your life! Love you all,

13901324_317916195212778_8534277226022980231_n — Lisa makes me happy. She lifts me up. She helps inspire me to stay healthy.

13900309_10153583766866396_6996271175291281404_n — Vodka Trot 2016. Big first for me. I’ve never worn short shorts like this out in public because my legs are not ‘perfection’ but I did. And I had a blast and I wasn’t worried about what others thought of me!

13932895_317916145212783_758652884334594204_n — Lisa and her sister, Tasha, encouraged me to get up and dance with this small group of women at this big event. The old me would not have done this. It was so fun and freeing!

13924886_10153583763236396_7780097027453270584_n — Don’t be afraid to be silly. :)

Live the life you want today; “You don’t need to lose anymore weight”

June 8, 2016 Jessica 1 Comment

I know I just posted a few days ago but I have had a very exciting couple of days and I just wanted to share them.

I visited my bariatric clinic today for a check up. It was uplifting and reassuring. I love going. I used to dread going to any type of doctor for fear of the scale, the vitals and what ‘lecture’ they might have in store for me. But all that has changed. I’m excited to go. It’s a personal challenge and I always feel so accomplished. I didn’t hesitate when the LPN told me to hop on the scale…157 appeared! Clothed! This is my lowest weight. Wow! This is exciting for me for a multitude of reasons but the one that stands out is that I know that I have a minimum of 8 lbs of skin (as per my doctors and plastic surgeon) sooooo that puts my ‘true weight’ at 149 and for my height …that make me ‘average weight’ on the BMI scale and I’ve lost over 88% of my excess body weight (they don’t count the 5 lbs I gained in the first 2 weeks of the program but I do). WTF?! ahhhh. To top this off, 110/71 blood pressure!

I remember when I first went to this clinic and I saw this toilet seat. I was shocked but excited. ‘These people get it’ is what I thought. Then—this toilet seat was much more comfortable than the normal size ones. Now—I kinda sunk in which I literally laughed aloud.

I, recently, joined this challenge called Live More Challenge. The founder’s thought process is that if we live more now, we will weigh less later (in simplistic terms). The hope is to teach us to live more and to enjoy ourselves and our lives. Each day you’re given a challenge. I was skeptical but the first day was to buy fresh cut flowers for yourself and display them. I can’t tell you how great that felt. Mollie was supportive (well..kinda..with a little bribery)

I’ve recently been reading and listening to pod casts about emotional eating and weight loss. The consensus is the same…we (emotional eaters, over eaters, binge eaters) eat for a reason; to fill a void. We have replaced emotions with food and, although maybe it made us feel better in a moment, it left us with bodies that we no longer are proud of and, subsequently, have put our lives on hold for. I know that I’ve been guilty of playing this perfect life scenario in my head; one in which when I’m thin, I’ll do this and I’ll do that. I like how this creator says ‘have fun now’. This plays into everything I’ve been trying to evolve into and this new mentality that was forced upon me with the sudden death of Paul: life is short; live it. Tomorrow is not promised. It’s important to live the life you have right now; not the life you hope to have in the future. “If only I was thinner” “When the kids are older” “when I’m out of debt” “When I have X amount of dollars” Forget all of those excuses and just do it. Figure out what brings you joy, get out of your comfort zone and do it.

20160605_114906 — A co-worker gave me a little basil sprout-ling. I went to Home Depot at like 9pm to pick out a pretty pot and soil instead of eating. I planted it the following day.

20160605_134745 — Lisa and I love to just do things together. We love to walk at the lake. This past weekend, we got a cheap-o kite and flew it at the lake. We also ran around and we played Frisbee.

Another philosophy that I’m working on integrating into my life is mindful eating and listening to my body. I have heard this so many times before. I’ve read lots of books that have stated the same thing. And in the beginning of my weight loss journey I heard it again. I guess it just didn’t resonate with me until now. I’m trying to get to where I want to be–fit, healthy, active, happy and satisfied. Nearing goal weight has made me really think about the big picture. What after this? I think I have got to let some really bad habits go. I’m waaaay better than I used to be but I can improve. I want to improve so that I don’t slip. Hunger is a physical thing–I’m trying to focus on that. Seems simple, right? But how many times have you eaten when you literally aren’t hungry? you know you have. Now, with my surgery—I can’t be extremely rigid with this as my hormones are different than the normal person as I don’t produce grehlin hormone as the normal person. But I can be mindful as to if it truly is hunger that I’m eating for or if it’s emotion. Another tip I heard was to be distraction free at meal time. This is a biiig one for me. I live alone and I eat almost all of my meals on the couch or in bed or standing in the kitchen. So my new goal is to stop this. I plan to sit and eat; not be on the phone either. I, also, bought some cloth napkins and napkin holders.

20160607_070147 — Today I enjoyed my breakfast and lunch, distraction free, on my patio. It was lovely. And I was aware of what and how much I was eating. I listened to my body and knew EXACTLY when I was full.

So…what does your face look like when your plastic surgeon tells you “Jessica, don’t lose any more weight”?

I had my last follow up appointment with my surgeon regarding my January surgery. Everything is perfect except a small dog ear on my right armpit. But it’s minor and fixable. We discussed my BIG surgery: 360 abdominoplasty! I’m beyond ecstatic! We are planning for November 10 of this year. He gave me the choice of fixing the dog ear in the office with local or I can wait til November and he will fix it while I’m under. Well, it isn’t painful and barely noticeable so I opted to be knocked out. Ha ha.

I am beyond excited about this. This will be the week of the 2nd anniversary of my surgery and Paul’s death. It will be an epic finale and the finishing touch to what I started 2 years ago. He would be so proud. This will, also, allow me time off of work during the anniversary. I know myself and I wouldn’t be fit to work. It’s much too hard. So…two birds, one stone.

But, seriously, he told me not to lose anymore weight! I laughed, truly. I thought he was joking buuut he wasn’t. I told him…’maybe just 5 more pounds’. He asked me why and I quoted the BMI chart and he laughed at me. Never in my life have I been told that I didn’t need to lose anymore weight. It’s odd but satisfying.

And for your viewing pleasure…a picture of the pup with the roughest life ever…Mollie…

My Story: my weight struggle, gastric Bypass and my husband’s death…

January 15, 2016 Jessica 4 Comments

Senior in high school 2003 I hadn’t stepped on a scale in a long time Estimated weight 230lbs

After a break up and living on my own, my weight soared. Estimated weight >300lbs

My wedding day March 17, 2012 The happiest day of my life. Weigh was about 285lbs.

My entire life I’ve been the chubby girl, the overweight girl, the shy girl. I never knew what it was like to shop in the non-plus size section of a clothing store. I didn’t know what it was like to enjoy physical activity. I didn’t know that food played such a large part in my life until I started my weight loss journey in May 2014.

I was the yo-yo dieter. All or nothing—starve myself and exercise incessantly or binge at every meal and sit on my butt all day. Drop 50lbs; gain 60. I didn’t know moderation. I remember us as a family gorging ourselves at family dinners. Everyone ate until they were miserable. This is how I thought you were supposed to eat. I loved food. I still love food. Food was my crutch in every way. I was happy-I ate. I was sad-I ate. I was bored-I ate. Food probably was the best friend I ever had-it never let me down.

I met the love of my life, Paul , in the summer of 2010. I was the thinnest that I had ever been in my adult life. I was 225lbs for all of one week. Our romance and love story began. He was absolutely everything I never knew I wanted. I knew instantly that he was different and he was going to be very important to me. I knew I was going to marry him within 2 weeks of knowing him. And such the way it usually goes with dating, we drank—we ate—always in excess. I was the absolute picture of ‘fat and happy’.

But in 2014, I found myself in a place where my weight peaked at 341lbs. I was constantly out of breath. I avoided activity for fear of what I’d look like, not being able to do it, etc. I missed out on a lot. Paul and I dreamed of traveling but it never happened. Sure money played a part in it but, more so, was the fact that I didn’t think I’d fit in the airplane seat. There were all these things I wanted to do: travel, sky dive, horseback riding, roller-coasters, marathons—none of which I could because I was too heavy, too out of shape. I found WeightWise (http://weightwise.com/). I looked into Gastric Bypass. I was skeptical but I was overwhelming surprised by their program. It was everything I needed. And so I started my journey. I made dietary changes. I got active. I told all my family and loved ones.

In the months leading up to my surgery, my husband and I listed and sold our current home, built and then closed on our brand new dream home. We both had very solid jobs and our future was bright. I was slowing losing weight and becoming healthier. He had, also, quit drinking. My husband was very supportive. He was so happy and up for a promotion at work.

Day of surgery Last picture Paul ever took of me 295 lbs

November 12, 2014 was a Wednesday. Paul and I got up super early and drove to the hospital. He was rather nervous. I was excited. My mom met us there. While in pre-op, my surgeon came in and instructed Paul to be my water Nazi, to line up medicine cups, fill them with water and make me take a shot every 5 minutes after surgery. I remember my mom telling Paul ‘take a look at her ass. It’s the last time you’ll see it’. We laughed. My surgery took a few hours longer than anticipated. I arrived in my room where mom and Paul were waiting for me. They took care of me. I had terrible nausea. Paul lined those medicine cups up and did just as he was instructed. I’d never seen him look so concerned since he was the happy go lucky type. I wanted to walk. He was nervous about it. He wanted me to stay in bed. But he escorted me around the hallway each time I got up. He got me ice packs. He was perfect. He was tired and wanted to go home. My mom was staying the night with me since he had to work the next day. Before he left, he filled my ice pack one more time. He hugged and kissed me good-bye. His last words to me ‘Drink. Drink. Drink. Walk. Walk. Walk. I love you, baby. I’ll see you tomorrow’.

If only I had known that that would be the last time. I would have held him longer. I would have…

There’s no sense in talking ‘what ifs’. They will drive you crazy. I hadn’t heard from him that next morning or afternoon. I was worried. After being discharged, I called around to try to find out if anyone had seen or heard from him. I remember having this just nauseating feeling in the pit of my stomach. I remember telling my mom that I knew something was wrong. Once I spoke to our friend that he worked with and him saying ‘No. He wasn’t at work today’. I knew that he wasn’t okay. My sister agreed to go check on him. Our friend agreed to go check on him. My mom’s friend agreed to check on him. Our friend called when he got to the house. I walked him through how to get in our garage. I asked how many cars there were. He says ‘two’. Oh my god. I can’t even describe the sick feeling I had. I knew. I heard the alarm say ‘garage door’ as he walks through the house I hear him ‘Paul? Paul? Are you here?’. The phone dropped. The call ended. I screamed at my mom telling her I needed to get home right at that moment. I’d never seen my mom drive that fast. I kept saying…’He’s dead, mom. I know it. I just know it’. We were speeding down the road when the phone rang. When I heard ‘Jessie, is your mom there…” in this voice that was trying so hard not to crack. I swear my heart stopped. I knew…I knew right then. I pulled at the door but it was locked and mom pulled over as she talked on the phone. I fell out of the car. I screamed ‘He’s dead. He’s dead. Noooo.’ I pounded my fists on the ground and I pulled the wet grass with my bare hands. My mom pulled me up, tears in her eyes, trying her best to console me. I have no idea what she was saying. I punched the dash board and screamed. That whole ride is a blur. I remember just mom and I sobbing. We pulled up to the curb across the street as there were cop cars in front on my house. The officer kneels down ‘Ma’am. Mrs. Ashworth. Do you know what has happened?’. ‘Yes, my husband’s dead’. He and my mom’s friend practically carried me in.

He had had his favorite meal: Papa John’s ham and onion pizza and a cookie and a bowl of ice cream. ESPN was still on the T.V. Mollie was curled in his arms; his phone on the charger on the night stand.

My husband died the same night I had my Gastric Bypass. How cruel this life can be. Paul’s life ended where my new life began.

And so my real journey began…

Transformation Through Loss