“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.” Mahatma Gandhi

“Sometimes the things that we can’t change end up changing us. -Hope for Widows Foundation.

Where did Jessica gooooo?

 

Maybe you noticed I’ve become scarce on social media in general, maybe you didn’t; either way, no worries. Social media is our friend and our foe. It has been to me at least. I once loved it for how I could look back on my memories and engage with others. Social media gave me a way to connect with others–or so I thought. After Paul, it became almost ritualistic to me where each morning I’d check my memories. In the beginning there were many tears but they subsided and were replaced with nostalgia and happiness. Isn’t that interesting? How could it be that nearly every single memory on Facebook is a happy one? I sure as hell don’t see my life through that lens. I felt like I had a community of supporters but something wasn’t congruent within myself. I started to lean into experiences, people, habits that served me better. This was most notable in my social connections. I have set an intention and expectation for all of my relationships: for each relationship to be mutually respectful, beneficial and fulfilling. I want to live an authentic life and free myself from guilt and negative feelings which don’t serve me, don’t further me in a positive direction. We all know that we can’t change others but what about ourselves? I mean we say we can but do we actually? Complacency is easy and is, usually, unintentional. I changed that for me by becoming aware: I paid attention to how I felt and what I thought after scrolling Facebook, posting blogs, texting ‘nicely’ with those whose thoughts don’t align with mine, etc. I paid attention to how I felt after phone conversations or physical interactions with loved ones. Slowly, I shifted my attention away from the ones that made me feel anxious, angry and bad about myself. Seems easy, right? Nope. One way I shifted my attention was to do a social media fast in 2018. And, well, after I got off of social media…I didn’t waste my time on it anymore. I’m intentional about it now. What I realized about myself and others on social media is much like what death can do to the memory of a life: it erases all the perceived {or rather could be perceived} negative events. I’m sure there’s some psychological reason for this but I’m not versed in that, so I’ll define it with my experiences, my anecdotal widow evidence. 

I radically reduced my social media in pursuit of happiness, generally speaking. I did so to experience my life more authentically. I have lived the majority of my life trying to live up to the expectations of others by achieving or behaving in a socially accepted/preferred manner prioritizing others over self, giving more of myself than I had when no one really asked me to; and worse, I never spoke up about it. Those qualities and behaviors shaped me into the person that I am. Becoming a widow during a bariatric journey, sparked a transformation of the shape of that person. Social media and how I showed up in it wasn’t fulfilling to me anymore because it all seemed to be fueled with nonsense, anger and facades of lives lived in a beautiful filter. I was no different. The widow survivor guilt felt is unlike anything I could ever put to words because it seeps into literally every single facet of your life, your relationships, your work, your thoughts, your behaviors, your good times, your bad times. There are dates and family expectations TO unique, empowered love and personal strength that equally send you t o tears racked with crippling sorrow, grief and guilt. That stuff is ugly. It is, also, deeply personal and a vulnerable place in my being that I couldn’t put through some perfect media filter. Honestly, who’d want to hear about it anyways and I surely didn’t have the energy or patience to figure it out.

I am a person who is loved and has loved immensely. I have many people, experiences and material things to express gratitude for in daily life. I can say that I have always known this; but, I now feel it. My life has given me experiences that have shaped my process of thinking about nearly everything that surrounds me and that is within me. I continue to apply the nursing process to my life through evaluation of my changes and my personal assessment by questioning myself. I am the least social that I’ve ever been but feel the most aligned within myself and I have to question that. My socialization has changed. I no longer surround myself with people who use me or make me feel less than. That was a hard one to reconcile–I’m still working on it. It was like “wow”. I had to take this further to look at myself about relationships in current times that have shifted and I realized…It’s me that has changed. 

“I know you have to move on…” -Loved one expresses to me sorrow for my life

“We lost him too but you’re the only one who’s gotten to process…” -Loved one’s reaction to me sharing a personal grief.

“How does that work..Paul then Lisa” -A loved one’s comment about my relationship.

“Losing Paul was traumatic, I think you’re going through a stage.” -A loved one comments on my relationship with Lisa

“I love her but I still hate homosexuality…” -Love one ‘accepting’ Lisa as my partner.

“Yes, we know; It’s all about Jessica.” -A loved one’s response about a grief/upset I felt about Paul.

“Aren’t you ready to move on..” -Loved one’s reaction to my Paul reflections

“Doesn’t living in the past keep you in the past.” – A close friend responds to a reflection of an anniversary I shared.

“How long is this supposed to last” -A loved one in response to my complicated grief & PTSD

“But I thought you were getting therapy” -A loved one’s response to my feelings about Paul

“I’ll come to terms with this because I love you” -A loved one’s comment about Lisa & I moving in together

“[s i l e n c e]” -A non-response from a couple close loved ones about mine & Lisa’s Movin On Up announcement.

Transformation is defined as “a thorough or dramatic change in form or appearance”. See, the thing that is lost on most is that transformation is most often not simultaneous, it’s fluid. That’s how my life has been since 2014. I have had many console and advise me about the impending result and need for change. It was a mute point. Change didn’t occur at a set date or time but as an accumulation of experiences acquired and mixed in with the previous one. It’s constantly shifting and if you pay attention, you can mold your life into one that you actually want. That’s what I’ve done simultaneously as I work alongside my grief. 

Lisa and I moved in together last month. It was an unplanned cohabitation necessitated by Hertz Corporation for being among the first to abandon their people as a result of plummets in profits first broke with COVID. It was a weighted and partnered decision that we equally made but to say it was easy wouldn’t be representative; to say it was celebrated across the board wouldn’t be accurate; to say that there weren’t anxieties just isn’t true; but, what is true is that Lisa and I have a relationship that is incredibly adaptive and, simultaneously, transformative with a foundation of compassion, sincerity, passion, honesty, and curiosity. It is a complex thing–not necessarily our relationship but, rather, the reaction or feelings of others about our relationship. After 6 weeks of living together, we experienced my worst fear about her being here full time. Walking my talk about authenticity and living my motto “What WE accept; WE promote”, I 5-4-3-2-1 (Mel Robbins 5 Second Rule) decided it was a great opportunity to come back to blogging — the beginning of our cohabitation during the 2020 chaos is a wonderful starting point to share the continuation of my Transformation Through Loss. Our decision to move in together, the journey we have walked individually and together, the reaction and lack of reactions from loved ones, widow struggles, and developing new routines over the last month have been quite the roller-coaster and one worth sharing. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

During a therapy session, I shared that my worst fear of Lisa moving in with me is the impact on my relationship with Paul. And not because she wouldn’t understand but rather the fact that the energy in my home will be different. I will no longer have moments of silence where my head wonders and happens upon Paul—where I get to have a moment with myself and it takes me wherever I allow it to be. Lisa will always grant me whatever space I need—that is who she is and that’s one way that she loves me. It isn’t anything that she nor I can or can’t prevent; I will no longer have the space of solitude. I worry that this is yet another Paul loss. This is another moment that I move on. What if I get so busy living that I forget an anniversary: how would I feel about that? Would it tap me on the shoulder and sucker punch me? Would it be that vicious grief trap the emotional size of a bear trap that I have unknowingly stepped upon many times over these last 5+ years. And my therapist reaffirmed me, “Jessica, you are allowed to be happy. It is okay to be happy. It is okay to live your life.” I hadn’t really given it a thought like this–I was almost punishing myself by preventing the potential of happiness found in a new look on life; so, I resolved to just allow it to be. Afterall, it is all that I, any of us, can do anyways:just to figure it out as we go. And with my Type-A-Eclectically-Emotional-Big-Thought-I-Get-Alot-Said self, I’ve set out to utilize a few of the vital parts of the nursing process: Assessment, Implementation, Evaluation.

 

Since 2014, my life has all been about transformation and nearly just as long in my journey, Lisa has been with me. Sometimes she was behind me as I led haphazardly; oftentimes in front of me inspiring me; but, most of the time, she was right there next to me as together we have evolved. It is with her constant love and support that I’ve been able to face, overcome and transform in ways I never knew possible. She actually inspired me to listen to a personal development podcast The Overwhelmed Brain which led me to the book Atomic Habits which introduced me to Matthew Bivens which led me to listening to his podcast called Having It A.L.L. (Abundant Loving Life) and that gets us to May 4, 2020. 

 

But let’s pause here for a contextual story:

 

I remember this so vividly that if I close my eyes, I can literally feel how I did the morning of Mother’s Day. I was sad that morning. I went to make eggs and in normal for me fashion, I wanted to listen to a podcast but I needed JUUUUUUST the right one. Ya know, just like Goldie Locks style—I needed something for just right mood that I wanted (feel goods, positive), juuuuust the right length (takes about 20 minutes start to finish to make breakfast & clean up). I scroll my list coming to Having It A.L.L which is always an uplifting time. I scroll to recent episode that I hadn’t listened to—Ah! Yes! Perfect—24 minutes and cherry on this sundae, it was titled “Breathe”; SOLD! I hit play, cracked my eggs and sauteed my garlic. The intro plays. He shares a Magical Moment and challenges you to share one. I’ve listened to enough to know the order and next up is some Listener Love at 7:02 “… I want to give a shout out to Jessica.”…and I stir my garlic and smile to myself thinking “my mom gave me such a popular name”. And he continues on, “Jessica, first of all I just have to say is ‘WOW’ “ …and I stir in my spinach and think “Matthew is speechless that’s cool”. He goes on “Your email to me was incredible and to say it was thorough is for me to put it very lightly”, he chuckles and I think to myself “man, sounds like me. Nah, couldn’t be”. He chuckles. I had to tell Sarah, I have a long email here so I’m gonna be in the office for awhile and process this email. I imagine you got some hand cramps as you were typing that all up. And I thank you for it. There was such beauty, such amazing things you shared..I’m just stumped for words right now.” And I screamed. I had my eggs in the bowl, pouring them in and I said out loud “OH MY GOD, he IS talking to me. Say whaaaaat” Then he said, “I just am so grateful to you for sharing all of that with me and putting it out there the way that you did making the request the way that you did, it was just so tremendous for me to receive that, hear how the show has impacted you and your family. It was just awesome. And for you to share that little piece of magic about the Honey Do List at the end…that was so cool. Sp jessica thank you so much.” I was stirring my eggs, a huge smile on my face and tears streaming. And then panic because I was so excited and moved by his words, I just realized….OMG OMG that means he must have responded but, ya know, I couldn’t ruin the eggs so I finished those eagerly before bolting to my email to check for his response–Short, sweet and offer not just accepted but elevated as he offered us BOTH the opportunity to have a consultation with him with a subscription to Balance Chart. I had zero idea what that would look like but no thoughts needed—I was ALL IN!

 

So what happened on the 4th of May when I acted on my instinct to put action towards my thoughts. Well, on that day I elevated my idea of Charity [More to come on this topic in another post] when I reached out to Matthew Bivens directly to ask him to join me in some “MAGIC”–his term for anytime You influence Self, Life, or Others in an Empowering Way. The following is an excerpt from that email:

 

Charity. Think about it. It’s a fantastic word that evokes mixed emotions. I became reminded of this as my girlfriend and I were brainstorming last night when I mentioned how my brother and I often talk about doing for others. He is one of the most generous humans I’ve even known and he was telling me about how he is looking out for opportunities to give to others to better their situation. He thinks about it as charity and as a way to give back during these uncertain times. He takes the perspective that he has extra income (result from not going out), he can work from home as a programmer (not job requirement like others to go out) and so he tries to help others by buying their groceries or hooking them up with wifi or paying their phone bill for 6 months. When I referenced him as a resource in her business start up, although my gf agrees in the goodness of charity, her initial reaction was “I don’t want to be some one’s charity” stating there people out there “far worse off” than her and that are in far more need of charity. 

 

This got me thinking about the problematic reasoning in this kind of logic which is, I believe, a contributor to the psychological epidemics in America: how homelessness is a result of trauma, addiction, mental illness, disparities in health care; how if we altered the perception of charity towards what it truly is, what an enormous impact that would have on these epidemics. If giving to others could essentially become just like another ADL (activity of daily living) and humans could accept charity without implied or perceived shame, oh goodness imagine the impact on all I’ve referenced above?? If in this moment that I have $100 extra (honestly because I haven’t been eating out the last 6+ weeks really) and I can see in my neighbor, peer, girlfriend that she is trying to get from Point A to Point B to achieve a better quality of life and I use that money to purchase education or pay a bill or prepay counseling, what impact could that have on that person’s trajectory, to that person’s mental heath? And at BARE MINIMUM, you’ve communicated to another human: YOU are NOT alone; WE are in this together. 

 

So with all that said (okay so I didn’t make a long story short but I did shortened a longer story ), I have want to offer my $100 and my plea of heart to invite you to help improve the life of Lisa Cook. She has all the potential and now the time; she just needs tools, motivation and coaching to achieve all she has and has not actually envisioned yet. How do we hook this up???  

 

Last week we had that call with Matthew. Neither of us knew what to expect; both slightly anxious; and both of us ready for what we’ve termed as Lisica Shenanigans where we tackle obstacles, better ourselves, have fun adventures, and live our best lives. 

I want to engage with others as my authentic self and to be vulnerable. I want to experience self-confidence, kindness, love and innovation within myself. If that so happens to inspire others to question their own selves, well that’d be pretty magical. Transformation through loss has taught me through experience and observation that one’s self, mind and energy is powerful; that one thought put into action can start a ripple of change, within yourself and, as a byproduct, how you show up in the world.

Experiences that taught me that I CAN choose to thrive:

1. My journey of becoming a nurse which started by choosing to leave banking.
2. Bariatric journey that started by losing 25lbs by just walking and not eating crap.
3. A phone call “Jess, can I talk to your mom” and feeling my husband was dead.
4. Lisa telling me “Tell me about your husband” that posed the living question “what if…”
5. “What We ACCEPT; WE promote” became my personal motto leading to a change in work culture.
6. Setting a firm boundary with my bigot father that resulted in his transformation into feminism. He doesn’t just tolerate Lisa [our relationship] but accepts it and loves her for her..

This past weekend, it happened, my worst case scenario as stated to my therapist. I was sitting at the bar. Lisa was cooking breakfast. I opened our Magical Moments Journal. I’d been joking/giving her a hard time that Iiiiiii’m the one who allllllways writes in it. We were laughing. And I wrote the date: June 1….3….. And I felt this immediate flip in my stomach and I couldn’t identify it. I said aloud, something to the effect of…”Oh my goodness. Ten years ago, Paul and I met for the first time on our first date” and I mentioned how it slipped my mind. And I had this rush of all kinds of feelings but nothing that I wanted to deal with in that moment. I did a quick check in with myself and I wasn’t sad. I felt different; it wasn’t a good feeling.