Tag Archives: anxiety

What’s Your ‘Why’ look like; Living Outloud

June 4, 2016 Jessica 2 Comments

First time riding a bike in forever and I did it in DC!!!!!!

At support group recently, they spoke about the scale and how it can fluctuate. The psychologist asks ‘where is the cut off’? Is it 3lbs and you’re freaking out or are you like ‘we’re cool. we still look good”? I thought it was any interesting point. I’ve never had an actual number in mind that I must stay at. I can get so very focused on the scale though. It’s actually quite ridiculous. Now, I know there will be lots of you who say it’s just a number, to not be a slave to it and to put it up. But to me it’s much more. It’s accountability. And I need it. Do I need to get on it every day? No. Weekly? I think so. It helps me keep myself in check. Although, my constant goal has been to reduce my weight and not regain. So it’s hard for me to say if there’s a number that would freak me out. To this, I have to refer to my why (which I’ll talk about momentarily). My hope is that I get to a point where I’m living and loving my life and the skinny me and that that will be most important. But I hope to always use the scale as a tool to keep myself in check as I never want to be obese ever again.

Another point that was made in support group was if we felt we would be successful or if we were doomed to fail. In Overeaters’ Anonymous, they follow steps much like that of Alcoholics’ Anonymous. I think the first step says something about admitting that you are powerless over your addiction. So are we powerless over obesity and food addiction? It seems like a simple “hell no” answer because I believe I can do anything I set my mind to…I’m independent, smart and stubborn–the opposite of powerless. Yet, I’ve been obese All.Of.My.Life. I hit a pivotal point, where I decided to change my life, change my circumstance–that’s when I found my bariatric program. I took control of my life and my future. And I truly believe that if I use my tools, the lessons taught and I eat/exercise the way I am suppose to, I’m 100% confident I can keep this weight off. That’s an interesting thought though. Something like 50% of bariatric patients regain weight. It’s a real thing. It’s a legitimate concern. I think this is cause even more so to find our why and be committed to it. I think that’s the difference.

I am trying my best to transition my life and my thoughts to the ‘after’. What does that mean? If you’re overweight or obese, I know you’ve had the same thoughts: “when I’m skinny” “If only I were thin”…

So I’m working on what that actually is. In hindsight, I sure wish I’d spent a little more time on figuring out what that is and what that would look like. I know that I heard it many times, in many different forms: define your why. What’s a ‘why’? Essentially, your why is the reason behind your desire to become thin or to achieve your goals. Without it, I think, you are more prone to slip back into bad habits and lose focus. Or rather, focus on the wrong things.

I’ve been in a lot of therapy. I’ve gone to a lot of support groups. I’ve heard a lot of weight loss and weight gain stories. I love reading self help books and I’m now, thanks to my beautiful friend Kati, addicted to podcasts. At the tip of my fingers, countless hours and words of inspiration. And what I’ve found or, rather, what has been reaffirmed is that we need our why. We all do.

So I sit here and I reflect on that and what it looks like for me. I know that in the beginning, my desire was to lose weight so that I would look better and feel better. That’s not a bad motivation but it is only skin deep. With the loss of my Paul, I feel I’ve really been forced to look deep inside myself and better define what I want this life of mine to look like.

I would like to turn my focus on what my ‘after’ looks like….what does it look like when the weight comes off? “Thin Jessica”. That’s what she is in my head. I lead an active lifestyle. One where I try new things and I don’t let my anxiety hold me back. I give back to others by sharing my experiences and encouraging them to do better, to be better. I look at myself with love and I’m proud of all I’ve accomplished. I no longer eat my emotions; I eat to fuel my body. Although, I will forever be the girl who will always pick cuddles on the couch over hikes in the mountains; I will move this body. I will get my exercise in because it’s what my body needs and deserves; exercise is a way to release frustration and empowers us. I will celebrate my successes and forgive my errors. I will continue to move forward. I will delight in the life I lead. I will collect experiences instead of excuses. I will live. I will live for myself and for my Paul. His life ended where my new life began and I feel forever humbly obligated to honor his life by living mine. It would be a great tragedy to live any less than that. So I choose to live out loud.

That feels good to put ink to paper, so to say. Now have I accomplished all of these things? No way, dude. Am I continuously working towards it? Absofuckinlutely.

20160528_202118 — 2016: Washington Monument. It was massive. I love this picture. I look like a giant!

So just a little update on some accomplishments and successes in my life:

20160528_220337 — Memorial Day Weekend 2016 in DC. Kati and I rented bikes and rode around DC. Yes, that’s the White House!

This ‘gotta have a plan for everything’ girl decided to go on a trip. I booked a flight and visited my brother in Dallas and my friends in DC for a quick 4 day vacation. I will continuously feel so excited to fit in the airplane seats with ease. It’s just so freaking exciting! My wonderful friend Kati took me all around DC where I got to see some amazing history and monuments. The highlight of the trip? We rented bikes and accidentally stumbled upon the White House (as she said it was rather ‘anti-climatic”). I was so nervous to ride that bike. My tippy toes barely reached the ground and I feared I would fall. Just hours prior to this I was preaching to Kati about experiences, she turned to me and said “collect experiences”. Bam!!! And it was wonderful and freeing. I felt like a kid. She said ‘is this your first skinny ride?” Bahahaha. Well, yes yes it was as I’m the thinnest I’ve ever been. I remember even as a kid that the weight of my ever growing booty would hurt on the seat but not this time. It was amazing!!!!! In that short weekend trip, we hit 5 states that I hadn’t been to (MD, VA, NJ, PA,DE).

At work, I had started this Office Biggest Loser that was from January to April. Well, I’m excited that several girls wanted to continue and so we started a monthly challenge. We just finished up May and the winner lost 4.23% of her body weight. She was so elated. It was truly amazing. I felt like I was the winner. It gave me so much joy to see her succeed, to make healthy choices and her legitimate excitement to do what she didn’t think she could do!

20160528_202854 — The Reflecting Pool in front of the Lincoln Memorial. It is enormous. To think of the rallies that go on here and how many people it can accommodate is awe inspiring!

I hope you all find your why! Love ya’ll!

Love Over Toxicity

March 26, 2016 Jessica Leave a comment

Oh we have all experienced them. I, admittedly, have been one of them: a toxic friend. We have all heard the term but I wanted a better definition so I went to the tried and true: Google. I’m not one for WebMD but the article that I found had some very moving words and I couldn’t say it better myself:

“The phrase ‘toxic friend’ is pop psychology,” says Jenn Berman, PhD, apsychologist in private practice in Beverly Hills, Calif. “I would say it’s someone who, after spending time with them, makes you feel bad about yourself instead of good; someone who tends to be critical of you — sometimes in a subtle way and sometimes not so subtle; a friend who drains you emotionally, financially, or mentally, and they’re not very good for you.” (http://www.webmd.com/women/features/toxic-friends-less-friend-more-foe?page=2)

You may wonder why I’m posting about this on my transformation page. Well, recently there have been events that have transpired that have really ruffled my feathers. Lisa has a friend (I use this term very loosely) that is the epitome of a toxic friend. Lisa and I have now been dating for over a year. We have a had and continue to have a very healthy and balanced relationship and friendship. Sadly, I have seen her be abused by this friend over the course of our relationship. She is, in my opinion, a miserable person. And we all know what they say about misery…

She doesn’t like me. Okay. Whatever. It hurt my feelers in the beginning but I can absolutely say that I have tried to have common ground with her and she rejects me. She is the type of person who is the victim of their own circumstance. You know the kind: poor, poor pitiful me. We are all adults. We made our choices. We lead our own lives.

I know that I’ve experienced my own growing pains with friendships. I have had two friendships that lasted 15 and 20 years that haven’t panned out the way that they should have. When you’ve been friends that many years, isn’t it supposed to last forever? That’s kinda the mentality but it’s not the reality. I can say that in both of my friendships that I had my fair share of the ‘blame’ (for lack of a better word). I could go on and on about them. I could point fingers and give a running score card of who did what to whom but what would that accomplish? Not a whole lot. I have spent a whole hell of a lot of time analyzing why things didn’t work out. I’ve written letters and texts trying to mend fences; spent countless hours talking with other friends about the ‘betrayals’ of said friendships. In the moments of analyzing these friendships, it only made me miserable and they lost nothing. Although, I like to take a lesson from everything I experience. And these broken friendships have taught me many things.

Jealousy is an evil, evil thing. There is no room for it in…really anything but, especially, a friendship. It tears you down and, worse yet, it destroys your friendship. Be happy for your friend’s success. It’s not a competition.

Articulation and communication is a must. No one out there is a mind reader. I don’t care how long you’ve known each other; there’s no person in this world that knows EXACTLY what you’re thinking all of the time. Not possible. All too often, we lash out at those that we care about. We use the wrong emotions and get an undesired outcome. Such as with my failed friendship: I got angry and blamed her for forgetting about me and choosing her bf over me. I lashed out and acted like a child not getting her way. When in actuality, I was sad and I missed my friend. I wasn’t able to articulate that at the time. And while this wasn’t the sole reason for the destruction of our friendship, it was a main contributor.

Relationships of all kinds are work. You can’t expect someone to make YOUR friendship work. We get too caught up in: she did this and she didn’t do that and poor me poor me. We fail to realize that just like with anything in this life: you get what you give. You aren’t gonna get that promotion at work if you don’t do the work. You won’t get the date with the girl at the coffee shop if you don’t ask her out. Just the same, you can’t expect to have an intimate friendship if you don’t nurture it sometimes.

Be kind; be understanding. We all have our struggles. Each and every one of us are fighting battles not known by others. Be compassionate. Give the benefit of the doubt. Don’t be so hasty to judge.

And if you’ve done all these things and still your friendship sucks, call a spade a spade. Really, all people have a purpose in your life and sometimes that purpose isn’t what you expected. You don’t have to be miserable about that. My dad once told me that I’d be LUCKY to have just a couple true friends. I thought he was full of it at the time because I had sooo many friends but now I realize that his assertion was spot on.

This life is just too precious and too short to waste it being miserable. If you’re miserable, you have the ability to change it. I truly believe that. As for Lisa’s friend, the protective person in me wants to call her all kinds of names and tell her where to go; but the wiser person in me wishes her peace. I think she’s sad that her friendship with Lisa isn’t what it once was. I think she’s unfulfilled in her own life. I think that she’s jealous of the positive changes that Lisa has made. I think that she doesn’t say what she actually feels. And maybe none of these thoughts are true but I know this to be true: Lisa is a good person. She is kind and generous. She is thoughtful. She is a great friend. She has had her share of grief; her share of let downs. She deserves to be happy. Maybe what we have will last forever; maybe it won’t. But I’ll tell you this, if your ‘friend’ can’t be happy for you when you are happiest, what kind of friend is that? And THAT has absolutely nothing to do with me.

Lisa posted this sweet quote on my Facebook wall today about falling in love

and I wrote the following response. I think it is rather on point. In spite of everything I have gone through and though I’d never wish it on anyone, I feel so very fortunate to have found two amazing loves; two amazing people who love(d) me in spite of all of my flaws and have made my life all the better.

Fall in love with someone who knows your favorite color is green and that you like just a little cream and sugar in your coffee…like the color of a caramel milk chocolate.

Fall in love with someone who delights in tickling your side and biting your nose just because it makes you giggle so hard; because you are the girl who asserts that you don’t girl but clearly that someone makes you. Fall in love with someone who makes memes to make you laugh or finds memes to make you smile on a long work day or just because.

Fall in love with someone who lays their head on your chest and can tell that you’re nervous or that you are calm. Fall in love with someone who has an abnormally strong abdominal aorta and makes you feel their ‘baby’

Fall in love with someone who licks your face in public and has classifications of public licking in terms of green frog/blue frog. Fall in love with someone that you can always be silly with and neither of you care how you to look to others.

Fall in love with someone who doesn’t have to show you off because your love shows itself off without even trying.

Fall in love with someone unexpected; someone who is your opposite but your equal. Fall in love with someone who makes your life better without even trying. Fall in love with someone that builds you up.

Fall in love with someone who puts your needs above their own; someone who thinks about what they will order for dinner and amends it to fit your tastes.

Fall in love with someone who sees who you are; who loves you for all that you are and sees all that you can be. Fall in love with someone who nurtures that in you.

Fall in love with someone that thinks your snores are adorable. Fall in love with someone that you would let your arm rot off from lack of circulation because you don’t want to let go of them.

Above all, fall in love with the person that you truly deserve because you deserve to be happy. You deserve to live a life you never dreamed possible. You deserve to experience a love beyond your dreams.

Boobies on the Mend: 3 Week Post Op & Reflection

Image February 14, 2016 Jessica Leave a comment

Oh man. Where to start? It’s a long week or so.

Let’s start with my physical stuff. So, my right boob has been concerning. On February 2, my supervisor went to take her jacket off, turned and accidentally ‘punched’ me in my right boob. If you recall, my right boob required more reconstruction than my left and has been more painful and not exactly aesthetically pleasing. When this happened, it knocked the wind out of me. I didn’t really put 2 and 2 together at my 2 week post op appointment when the medical assistant questioned the new bruising on the 4th. At work the following day is when I realized the two were linked so I called my doc. The bruising progressively worsened and they wanted to see me the following week. I had my 3rd week follow up this past Wednesday day. He squeezed and manipulated my breasts. It was awkward since I don’t have feeling superficially to below my nipple. He told me I had 2 hematomas and that he could feel that an internal suture(s) ripped causing the bleeding. He needed to evacuate it! He stuck a 2 in. 18 gauge needle through my incision around my nipple and moved the needle around, pulled back on a 20 ml syringe trying to find the pocket. He got out 5 mls of dark red blood. Nothing else. He felt again and said he need to try again but would have to go through the breast. Eek. He attempted 3 additional sticks. Ouch. Although I have no feeling on the surface, I do have deep sensation. I started to sweat and turned ghost pale. He wasn’t able to get anything else out, sadly. He told me to just watch it and that it’d hopefully resolve. He was concerned regarding the possibility of infection. Since my appointment, my bruising has significantly reduced and the color is now green so I’m happy about that. His assistant called me yesterday to check on me and my doctor is still concerned so he has started me on a round of antibiotics. Better safe than sorry.

3WeeksPostOp (2) — Current boobies! Bruising is SOOO much better today! The itching has begun! 2/14

Otherwise, my incisions are healing well, I’m sleeping better (no more night sweats), I’m rarely requiring tylenol and the tape residue is ALMOST gone. My incisions are so fine and I’m excited to see the end result. The only source of pain is still under my arms. Constant bending of the incisions and chaffing is sometimes unbearable! My doctor told me it was my compression garment so I’ve tried just sleeves. Nope. I’ve tried gauze. Nope. I’ve tried bandaids which have helped the most buuuut then they chaff my actual armpit. Ugh. The struggle. Now, I’m using zinc oxide (baby butt paste which is helping). My 4 weeks is Tuesday and I no longer have to wear my compression sleeves unless I want to! That’s exciting and no compression garments does feel best on my underarms. Although, I still don’t have feeling to my incision sites to about a quarter inch on both side of it so it’s a weird sensation. And it makes me paranoid that it’ll rub on somethings so I’m now wearing long sleeves and I foresee me wearing compressions at work this week but we will see.

3WeeksPostOp (8) — 3 Week Arm Incisions are faint!!

3WeeksPostOp (7) — The arm crease is the most painful. Still numb on the underside of my arm.

3WeeksPostOp (4) — Exciting! I get to wear a bra!

I had my first therapy session post operatively. It was much needed and very over due. I feel like I word vomited all over her the moment my booty hit the couch. I’ve been struggling. My anxiety has been on high. Feeling a bit depressed. Feeling upset that I’m upset. And isn’t that some shit? Not only to have these feelings but to, also, have feelings about the feelings. It’s a bitch! I’ve been missing Paul more intensely. I feel guilty. I feel alone. It’s all a bit over whelming really. In my session, I said multiple times “I’ve wanted this as long as I can remember and these feelings are absurd. ABSURD!” Her first response to me “how about you give yourself permission to feel the way you feel?” I sat back. Sighed. And thought ‘well isn’t that a novel idea?’ Ha ha. It’s literally never occurred to me. And I let that thought soak in and I said ‘okay’. As she summed up what I said, the series of events is very overwhelming and the thought comes to me ‘well holy fuck dude. That’s kinda like a lot’. And Lisa has told me most of these things but I guess there’s just something about the third party, impartial somebody saying it that makes it stick. She reinforced that my mind, my heart, my body has been through a lot in this past year. She told me that I’m now having to grieve the loss of my ‘body’ while in the midst of grieving over my husband. It’s okay to be upset. It’s okay to say I’m not where I want to be. And in the moments of chaos, it’s hard to realize that it won’t always be this way. I won’t ALWAYS feel this way. I won’t ALWAYS feel out of control. Eventually, it will pass. She also brought up the point that I’m not as active as I’m used to being which effects my mind and body. I’m a very independent person that is temporarily at a point where I’m having to ask for help and not in a big way…in the small ways and that has an impact. Man oh man. I needed that reality check.

My mom gave me this little sign over a year ago that says: “You can do ANYTHING. You just can’t do EVERYTHING”. I think I have to realize and accept my limitations. I have to learn to be okay with them as they are a part of me and make me human.

Where’s my satisfaction? Where’s my happiness?

February 6, 2016 Jessica 2 Comments

**Right boob update: so the mystery is solved. I had forgotten that 3 days ago, a co-worker accidentally punched me in the right boob. I was following behind her and she went to take off her jacket and **whack** right in the right boob where all the bruising is! It knocked the wind outta me. I’m thankful that we figured this out. And don’t be hard on my co worker–it was totally an accident, she’s amazing! She even drew on my boob to outline the bruise so I could track it’s progression/regression!

“Wow” “I don’t even recognize you” “You look amazing” “You have done so much”. These are all common compliments I get from a multitude of people. I wanted to take a moment and just thank everyone for all of the support. I truly appreciate it.

IMG_20160204_130442 — Size 7/9 jeans. Low Rise.

Today, I visited my old floor. I transferred about 4 months ago. It always feels like home when I visit even though there are so many new faces. When I visit, I always hope for some juicy trauma drama gossip but my weight loss and surgery usually are the topic. I’m sure that’ll change over time. I enjoy talking about my journey; it’s been a long one. I love talking with these wonderful women who have known me since 2013 and have seen me at my heaviest and they were there when I started my weight loss journey and when Paul died, they were there to pick to me up. They have shown me unconditional love and compassion and support and I’m eternally grateful to these wonderful ladies. So, it should not come at any surprise that they are all just so absolutely supportive and positive towards me and the progress that I’ve made with my health, weight and body transformation.

Today, I was met with all smiling faces and kind words. I have been just a bundle of emotions since the beginning of the year (well, really since November 12, 2014–if I’m totally honest) and it has peaked since having surgery. I’ve touched on it a bit in a previous blog but this plastic surgery has really messed with my head. I was fully prepared for pain and recovery; I wasn’t prepared for exhaustion and mental torture. Okay, maybe that’s a bit dramatic, but, at times, that’s exactly what it feels like. I was all ready to knock this plastic surgery out and get to where I want to be but I’ve had a reality check.

I’m struggling with my identity and who I see in the mirror. I will never forget: standing in the shower. Naked. Lisa standing by to help me get my bandages/dressings off. I felt the water run down my body. I look to my left and, in the mirror, there she is; that girl. Frankenstein girl. Incisions. Perky boobs. Thin arms. I can see a her rib cage. And the room spins. I’m dizzy. Disoriented. My hearing is muffled. I’m slightly nauseated. And, for a second, I thought I’d pass out. Lisa helped me to the bed. I can’t remember the steps between the shower and my bed. And I laid on my back, on my bed, eyes shut. And I hear her calm voice, “it’s okay. I’m here”.

I’ve worked so hard and made a lot of sacrifices to get where I am today. I feel like my whole life has built to this point. I loved Paul; I love Paul. I will say it over and over because it is always true and pertinent. Although, as most know, it was never my ‘dream’ to get married or to have a family. Don’t get me wrong, I just want to be clear; I’ve said it many times: he was the dream I never knew I wanted; he was a love I never knew existed and, not for one second, have I ever regretted any moment we had together. That aside, you know what my dreams were? I wanted to be a successful career woman, self-sufficient and THIN. That’s what I wanted. Maybe it seems a bit shallow, but having been the fat girl for as long as I can recall…I wanted that. I wanted to look like the ‘regular girls’. I wanted to feel comfortable in my skin. I wanted to travel and not think about my hips squeezed into an airplane seat. And, now…I have that. Where’s my satisfaction? Where’s my happiness? That’s what was supposed to happen, right? I’ve shed the weight. I’ve met every one of my weight loss goals. I’ve got these perky boobs and slender arms. My god man; it’s, literally, all I’ve ever dreamed it could be.

My former co-worker and I were chatting. She said some things that really shook me. She described her impression of me, of first knowing me. (I’m paraphrasing) ‘To look at you, you were this shy, timid girl and now I see this confident girl that shines’. I was taken aback because I don’t know when that happened. I guess although I have these mounds and mounds of self-doubt that there is something under there. I just gotta dig it out. So, that gives me hope. Maybe I can’t see it quite yet but others do and that gives me hope.

It really is a constant battle; between what you think you want, what you actually want and what actually is. I’m so thankful for all these wonderful people in my life. Without you, I don’t know where I would be.

Love in many forms…

January 25, 2016 Jessica 3 Comments

I have written and erased what I want to say here like at least 5 times. What I’m feeling right now, I’m having a difficult time putting into words.

I am absolutely and utterly overwhelmed by this exquisite person that has come into my life. I’m sitting here having a full on cry session and anxiety attack over a spat with a family member. I feel so upset that it’s like my nerves are on fire. And for the first time since I lost Paul; since my the best friend of over 20 years turned her back to me and left—my first instinct wasn’t them to call. I called Lisa. And that means something to me.

Love. What a beautiful word. What a simple word. Just four simple letters that seem and for me are the center of my world. Have you ever tried to define love? Have you ever tried to describe it? I know I certainly have; each and every time I do, I fall short. There have never been the right combination of words that really gives justice to that feeling–that thought–that action–that everything.

And right now in my life with her I’m experiencing another level of it. This week I feel like we reached like a level up status. I didn’t have to tell her to do anything for me. Not anything. She just knew. I’m sure some of it has to do with her natural nurturing aptitude, but it’s more. For over a year, my world has been flipped and spun round and round. But I’ve had several moments with her where there’s just calm. I think about her helping me shower for the first time post op. She was calm and gentle; although, I know she was petrified. ‘I’m right here. It’s going to be ok’ were the words I heard as the room was spinning and I was having a full on panic attack. She rubbed my head and took her time–and bit by bit, minute by minute she continued until all my dressings were off and I was able to shower and then look at my self in the mirror.

Over these days, she’s help lift me into bed. She’s brought me ice packs. She cooked, cleaned, kept me hydrated. She’s lit my candles because she knows they I love them. She’s kept my house in the order that I like. She has made me eat when I don’t want to. Slept on the couch, just to be close to me. Sat and talked to me. Sat in silence.

She’s eternally and nonobligatory supportive. She lifts me up. She tells me it’s ok to cry. She talks to me about Paul. We talk about our life together. She gives me a security that I never thought I’d have again. And security has always been my number one expression of love. She makes me happy even when I’m sad. I’m just so very thankful for her. I’m so thankful for the lack of drama in our relationship. I’m thankful that it’s easy but not the easy that means boring. It’s always interesting.

Transformation Through Loss