Monthly Archives: June 2016

A Precious Life: Live it. Love it.

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Father’s Day 2016: Dad says to me ‘did they make a mistake and cut your boobs off?’ oh my.

How precious is this life? And how short is it? I’d venture to say that most of us would admit that life is undeniably precious and that the years pass by quickly. Yet how are we living it? Are we living it for the moment? Or are we wishing it away?

I’d say that for most all of my life, I have wished my life away. Not on purpose of course but, rather, by accident. I’ve hated my body, worried about finances, striven for stability and put off my life for the unforeseeable future that would, without a doubt, reflect my work—the perfect me in the perfect life. I’d be thin. I’d have no debt. I’d be in the perfect career. That’s when I’d live. Right? Wrong. Your life is what happens while you’re putting off for tomorrow. Paul changed my life in so many ways. And although I have few regrets, the one I do have is that I could have worried less and lived more. And in his death, I’ve found life and I have realized that this is my life and this is as good as it may ever be and damn it that’s pretty good. I’ve been listening to a lot of pod casts and reading up on self-love. I have done a lot of self-reflection. And what I’ve realized is that I haven’t always been good to myself. I haven’t loved myself. Over the course of the last 18 months, I’ve had quite a few life altering events take place that have led me to this new outlook on myself and my life. I can’t really pinpoint when or what actually did it; I think it’s just the collection of events.

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Moving my body! Mollie loves walks and I got this new leash that is hands free. It makes our walks much more enjoyable!

I want to worry less…less about what I think others think of me, less about what might happen, less about all those things and people I can’t control. I want to love myself and treat myself the right way…the way I’d treat others. What does this look like for me? As with anything in this life, you get what you give. Put good in; get good out. So I try to nourish my body with food that makes me feel good but not in the way it used to–not to feed my emotions but to literally nourish my body. I move—I have a non-negotiable with myself and that is that I move every day. I’m not an avid runner; I’m an avid couch potato. Ha ha. But I have realized that my body needs to move and when I move it, it responds by feeling good, losing/maintaining weight and increases my quality of life. I’m working on nourishing my mind and my soul. I’m doing this by ridding my life of negative people, negative attitudes and habits that perpetuate anxiety. I try to live out loud. I laugh frequently, help others on their journeys and try new things. I want to make sure that when my time comes that my life was lived and not just ‘survived’.

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It’s important to surround yourself with people that build you up and embody the life and spirit you want for your own. Lisa is one of those people to me. She makes this life fun, pushes me to be better and celebrates with me constantly.
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Loving myself. My legs have been a struggle for me but I’m embracing them by flaunting them and showing gratitude to them. For without these strong legs, I wouldn’t be able to be the active person that I’ve become.

Recently I ran into a former co-worker. A lady that amazes me. She has this amazing soul and an infectious smile. She’s a survivor. When she saw me, I recognized the stunned look. It’s the one I get from those who haven’t seen me in a while. I used to almost feel embarrassed not from shame but rather from the attention that my weight loss would draw. I don’t really feel that way anymore. I smile and I let them ‘ooo and ahh’. I frequently joke ‘I’ve lost a couple pounds huh?’. I take these interactions as a pat on the back and affirmation that I’ve made a positive improvement in my life. She shared with me something that truly made my heart smile. She told me that Paul’s death changed her life. That seeing the pictures that I post made her think about the lack of pictures that she has of herself. She went on to tell me about how she often takes pictures of her children but hides from the camera as she is not satisfied with her physical appearance. And she teared up as she told me that she thought about if she were to leave this Earth that her kids wouldn’t have photos of her. And so now she takes pictures frequently; when she sees me post one of Paul’s pictures that I share that she flips her phone and takes a picture with her kiddos. I was so very glad that she shared this with me. I’m even more thrilled that she seized the day and accepted where she is right now because this life is precious. It’s meant to be celebrated.

As some of you may remember in April, Waybetter.com published an article about me. Well, they reached out to me a few days ago stating “we are working on our weekly email and this week is our inspiration week. We wanted to use your story because it was so inspiring and touching. I was going through your blog and came across your amazing wedding photo’. Wow! I was shocked and in awe. Then the email went out and my friend tagged me on Facebook.  The headline reads ‘A story to renew your faith in human resilience’ and below my wedding photo ‘love, loss and strength fuel this powerful story of one woman’s 150-lb weight loss’. It’s amazing to be recognized for my weight loss and I love that my story has gotten to reach who knows how many people.

How amazing is that? When I started this blog, I thought to myself if Paul’s death could just change one life…

And he has impacted so very many. It makes my heart and soul happy.

You can read the article at…

http://www.waybetter.com/WayBetterToday/waybettertoday/inspiration/how-i-overcame-worst-tragedy-imaginable-and-lost-150-pounds

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The wedding photo that the writer from WayBetter.com stumbled upon. Truly one of my favorite pictures from that amazing day. The really sums up our relationship…he always kept me laughing :)

That’s all for now. Show yourself some love. Give your body gratitude. Hug your loved ones. And live this day to the fullest. You deserve it and so do your loved ones.

Live the life you want today; “You don’t need to lose anymore weight”

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I know I just posted a few days ago but I have had a very exciting couple of days and I just wanted to share them.

I visited my bariatric clinic today for a check up. It was uplifting and reassuring. I love going. I used to dread going to any type of doctor for fear of the scale, the vitals and what ‘lecture’ they might have in store for me. But all that has changed. I’m excited to go. It’s a personal challenge and I always feel so accomplished. I didn’t hesitate when the LPN told me to hop on the scale…157 appeared! Clothed! This is my lowest weight. Wow! This is exciting for me for a multitude of reasons but the one that stands out is that I know that I have a minimum of 8 lbs of skin (as per my doctors and plastic surgeon) sooooo that puts my ‘true weight’ at 149 and for my height …that make me ‘average weight’ on the BMI scale and I’ve lost over 88% of my excess body weight (they don’t count the 5 lbs I gained in the first 2 weeks of the program but I do). WTF?! ahhhh. To top this off, 110/71 blood pressure!

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I remember when I first went to this clinic and I saw this toilet seat. I was shocked but excited. ‘These people get it’ is what I thought. Then—this toilet seat was much more comfortable than the normal size ones. Now—I kinda sunk in which I literally laughed aloud.

I, recently, joined this challenge called Live More Challenge. The founder’s thought process is that if we live more now, we will weigh less later (in simplistic terms). The hope is to teach us to live more and to enjoy ourselves and our lives. Each day you’re given a challenge. I was skeptical but the first day was to buy fresh cut flowers for yourself and display them. I can’t tell you how great that felt. Mollie was supportive (well..kinda..with a little bribery) 20160606_184359

I’ve recently been reading and listening to pod casts about emotional eating and weight loss. The consensus is the same…we (emotional eaters, over eaters, binge eaters) eat for a reason; to fill a void. We have replaced emotions with food and, although maybe it made us feel better in a moment, it left us with bodies that we no longer are proud of and, subsequently, have put our lives on hold for. I know that I’ve been guilty of playing this perfect life scenario in my head; one in which when I’m thin, I’ll do this and I’ll do that. I like how this creator says ‘have fun now’. This plays into everything I’ve been trying to evolve into and this new mentality that was forced upon me with the sudden death of Paul: life is short; live it. Tomorrow is not promised. It’s important to live the life you have right now; not the life you hope to have in the future. “If only I was thinner” “When the kids are older” “when I’m out of debt” “When I have X amount of dollars” Forget all of those excuses and just do it. Figure out what brings you joy, get out of your comfort zone and do it.

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A co-worker gave me a little basil sprout-ling. I went to Home Depot at like 9pm to pick out a pretty pot and soil instead of eating. I planted it the following day.
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Lisa and I love to just do things together. We love to walk at the lake. This past weekend, we got a cheap-o kite and flew it at the lake. We also ran around and we played Frisbee.

Another philosophy that I’m working on integrating into my life is mindful eating and listening to my body. I have heard this so many times before. I’ve read lots of books that have stated the same thing. And in the beginning of my weight loss journey I heard it again. I guess it just didn’t resonate with me until now. I’m trying to get to where I want to be–fit, healthy, active, happy and satisfied. Nearing goal weight has made me really think about the big picture. What after this? I think I have got to let some really bad habits go. I’m waaaay better than I used to be but I can improve. I want to improve so that I don’t slip. Hunger is a physical thing–I’m trying to focus on that. Seems simple, right? But how many times have you eaten when you literally aren’t hungry? you know you have. Now, with my surgery—I can’t be extremely rigid with this as my hormones are different than the normal person as I don’t produce grehlin hormone as the normal person. But I can be mindful as to if it truly is hunger that I’m eating for or if it’s emotion. Another tip I heard was to be distraction free at meal time. This is a biiig one for me. I live alone and I eat almost all of my meals on the couch or in bed or standing in the kitchen. So my new goal is to stop this. I plan to sit and eat; not be on the phone either. I, also, bought some cloth napkins and napkin holders.

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Today I enjoyed my breakfast and lunch, distraction free, on my patio. It was lovely. And I was aware of what and how much I was eating. I listened to my body and knew EXACTLY when I was full.

So…what does your face look like when your plastic surgeon tells you “Jessica, don’t lose any more weight”?

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I had my last follow up appointment with my surgeon regarding my January surgery. Everything is perfect except a small dog ear on my right armpit. But it’s minor and fixable. We discussed my BIG surgery: 360 abdominoplasty! I’m beyond ecstatic! We are planning for November 10 of this year. He gave me the choice of fixing the dog ear in the office with local or I can wait til November and he will fix it while I’m under. Well, it isn’t painful and barely noticeable so I opted to be knocked out. Ha ha.

I am beyond excited about this. This will be the week of the 2nd anniversary of my surgery and Paul’s death. It will be an epic finale and the finishing touch to what I started 2 years ago. He would be so proud. This will, also, allow me time off of work during the anniversary. I know myself and I wouldn’t be fit to work. It’s much too hard. So…two birds, one stone.

But, seriously, he told me not to lose anymore weight! I laughed, truly. I thought he was joking buuut he wasn’t. I told him…’maybe just 5 more pounds’. He asked me why and I quoted the BMI chart and he laughed at me. Never in my life have I been told that I didn’t need to lose anymore weight. It’s odd but satisfying.

And for your viewing pleasure…a picture of the pup with the roughest life ever…Mollie…

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What’s Your ‘Why’ look like; Living Outloud

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First time riding a bike in forever and I did it in DC!!!!!!

 

At support group recently, they spoke about the scale and how it can fluctuate. The psychologist asks ‘where is the cut off’? Is it 3lbs and you’re freaking out or are you like ‘we’re cool. we still look good”? I thought it was any interesting point. I’ve never had an actual number in mind that I must stay at. I can get so very focused on the scale though. It’s actually quite ridiculous. Now, I know there will be lots of you who say it’s just a number, to not be a slave to it and to put it up. But to me it’s much more. It’s accountability. And I need it. Do I need to get on it every day? No. Weekly? I think so. It helps me keep myself in check. Although, my constant goal has been to reduce my weight and not regain. So it’s hard for me to say if there’s a number that would freak me out. To this, I have to refer to my why (which I’ll talk about momentarily). My hope is that I get to a point where I’m living and loving my life and the skinny me and that that will be most important. But I hope to always use the scale as a tool to keep myself in check as I never want to be obese ever again.

Another point that was made in support group was if we felt we would be successful or if we were doomed to fail. In Overeaters’ Anonymous, they follow steps much like that of Alcoholics’ Anonymous. I think the first step says something about admitting that you are powerless over your addiction. So are we powerless over obesity and food addiction? It seems like a simple “hell no” answer because I believe I can do anything I set my mind to…I’m independent, smart and stubborn–the opposite of powerless. Yet, I’ve been obese All.Of.My.Life. I hit a pivotal point, where I decided to change my life, change my circumstance–that’s when I found my bariatric program. I took control of my life and my future. And I truly believe that if I use my tools, the lessons taught and I eat/exercise the way I am suppose to, I’m 100% confident I can keep this weight off. That’s an interesting thought though. Something like 50% of bariatric patients regain weight. It’s a real thing. It’s a legitimate concern. I think this is cause even more so to find our why and be committed to it. I think that’s the difference.

I am trying my best to transition my life and my thoughts to the ‘after’. What does that mean? If you’re overweight or obese, I know you’ve had the same thoughts: “when I’m skinny” “If only I were thin”…

So I’m working on what that actually is. In hindsight, I sure wish I’d spent a little more time on figuring out what that is and what that would look like. I know that I heard it many times, in many different forms: define your why. What’s a ‘why’? Essentially, your why is the reason behind your desire to become thin or to achieve your goals. Without it, I think, you are more prone to slip back into bad habits and lose focus. Or rather, focus on the wrong things.

I’ve been in a lot of therapy. I’ve gone to a lot of support groups. I’ve heard a lot of weight loss and weight gain stories. I love reading self help books and I’m now, thanks to my beautiful friend Kati, addicted to podcasts. At the tip of my fingers, countless hours and words of inspiration. And what I’ve found or, rather, what has been reaffirmed is that we need our why. We all do.

So I sit here and I reflect on that and what it looks like for me. I know that in the beginning, my desire was to lose weight so that I would look better and feel better. That’s not a bad motivation but it is only skin deep. With the loss of my Paul, I feel I’ve really been forced to look deep inside myself and better define what I want this life of mine to look like.

I would like to turn my focus on what my ‘after’ looks like….what does it look like when the weight comes off? “Thin Jessica”. That’s what she is in my head. I lead an active lifestyle. One where I try new things and I don’t let my anxiety hold me back. I give back to others by sharing my experiences and encouraging them to do better, to be better. I look at myself with love and I’m proud of all I’ve accomplished. I no longer eat my emotions; I eat to fuel my body. Although, I will forever be the girl who will always pick cuddles on the couch over hikes in the mountains; I will move this body. I will get my exercise in because it’s what my body needs and deserves; exercise is a way to release frustration and empowers us. I will celebrate my successes and forgive my errors. I will continue to move forward. I will delight in the life I lead. I will collect experiences instead of excuses. I will live. I will live for myself and for my Paul. His life ended where my new life began and I feel forever humbly obligated to honor his life by living mine. It would be a great tragedy to live any less than that. So I choose to live out loud.

That feels good to put ink to paper, so to say. Now have I accomplished all of these things? No way, dude. Am I continuously working towards it? Absofuckinlutely.

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2016: Washington Monument. It was massive. I love this picture. I look like a giant!

So just a little update on some accomplishments and successes in my life:

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Memorial Day Weekend 2016 in DC. Kati and I rented bikes and rode around DC. Yes, that’s the White House!

This ‘gotta have a plan for everything’ girl decided to go on a trip. I booked a flight and visited my brother in Dallas and my friends in DC for a quick 4 day vacation. I will continuously feel so excited to fit in the airplane seats with ease. It’s just so freaking exciting! My wonderful friend Kati took me all around DC where I got to see some amazing history and monuments. The highlight of the trip? We rented bikes and accidentally stumbled upon the White House (as she said it was rather ‘anti-climatic”). I was so nervous to ride that bike. My tippy toes barely reached the ground and I feared I would fall. Just hours prior to this I was preaching to Kati about experiences, she turned to me and said “collect experiences”. Bam!!! And it was wonderful and freeing. I felt like a kid. She said ‘is this your first skinny ride?” Bahahaha. Well, yes yes it was as I’m the thinnest I’ve ever been. I remember even as a kid that the weight of my ever growing booty would hurt on the seat but not this time. It was amazing!!!!! In that short weekend trip, we hit 5 states that I hadn’t been to (MD, VA, NJ, PA,DE).DC2016collage

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At work, I had started this Office Biggest Loser that was from January to April. Well, I’m excited that several girls wanted to continue and so we started a monthly challenge. We just finished up May and the winner lost 4.23% of her body weight. She was so elated. It was truly amazing. I felt like I was the winner. It gave me so much joy to see her succeed, to make healthy choices and her legitimate excitement to do what she didn’t think she could do!

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The Reflecting Pool in front of the Lincoln Memorial. It is enormous. To think of the rallies that go on here and how many people it can accommodate is awe inspiring!

I hope you all find your why! Love ya’ll!