Tag Archives: skin removal

2 Week Post Op Appointment: tape removed!

February 5, 2016 Jessica Leave a comment

Today was my 2 week post op appointment. Sadly, less than an hour before my appointment, my surgeon’s office called and said that he wasn’t able to make it to clinic. Eek! Long story short, I saw his medical assistant instead. She removed the surgical tape which has been causing quite a bit of discomfort. I was quite nervous about this but it wasn’t painful. It felt weird actually. She was pretty concerned regarding the bruising on my right breast. She took pics and sent them to my surgeon who wanted to know what I did. To my recollection, I haven’t done anything. He had told me that he had to do a lot of work to that breast so I thought it was normal. He wants to see me next week to further assess. I’m to take daily pictures to compare the progression of the the bruising. Man, I surely hope I don’t have a complication…because I don’t have any PTO. Blah.

Physically, I feel pretty good. This week is substantially better than last week. My night sweats have decreased to maybe just once a night. I’m still feeling weak and am exhausted by the end of the day but it’s better than last week. I’m down to 1-2 doses of acetaminophen daily. I’m able to shower fairly easily. Not able to shave yet. I can almost fully extend my left arm but my right arm is lagging. It’s my T-rex arm. I now have sensation to both of my nipples but I remain numb in many places including the underside of both breasts and the underside of my arm from axillary to elbow.

Psychologically, I’m progressing. It’s not near as severe as it was the days following surgery. I’m able to look at myself in the mirror and not cry. That seems so odd. Can you imagine? I’ve been working towards this for what seems like forever and I’m satisfied with the fact that I’m not crying when I look at myself. That’s infuriating. In my rational mind, I know that it’ll take time. Lisa pointed out that it’s like you have to mourn that person that you no longer are and I can see that. I’m missing Paul more so recently. I’m sure for many reasons. Valentine’s Day, our anniversary, my 30th birthday, this surgery, etc. It has stirred me up. I’ve made an appointment with my therapist for next week. I need some guidance with my struggles lately.

I took measurements today.

PreOperatively: Bust: 36 Band 32 Arm 13

Today PostOp: Bust 37 Band 32 Arm 11

I’m hoping there’s swelling that will subside but dang. I was expecting a smaller bust. We shall see.

The medical assistant said to remove the tape residue before posting my eh, I wanted to blog now. I’m so very impressed with the incisions. They are so fine. Once everything is healed they’ll be barely noticeable. She did tell me to stay away from vitamin E as it can actually cause the scars to widen! What?! She recommended cocoa butter and baby oil. Which most of the cocoa butter I found at Target had vitamin E. Luckily, I found a baby oil gel with cocoa butter. BAM! Also, I can now where a sports bra with no wire with arm compressions, technically. Although, I know I’d have a difficult time with a pull over and I don’t have the arm sleeves.

Thanks for reading. Here’s to date progress pics.

Right breast is significantly bruised. MD is concerned. Watching it closely.

Incisions are so fine!! Will clean up the residue this weekend. So happy to have the tape off!

Back to work! Now, 2 weeks Post Op GRAPHIC PICTURES

February 1, 2016 Jessica Leave a comment

I went back to work this week. I worked 3 days (my usual work week is four 10 hour days). I tell you what, it was rough. I overestimated myself. I, of course, want to be brutally honest. So bare with me.

It’s a struggle to do just the bare minimum. And, by this, I mean to dress myself. It’s truly a work out. Just getting from a sitting to standing position is a challenge. I truly have learned that I need to do more abdominal work outs. I plan to hit it hard core and be in the best abdominal shape of my life for my 360 abdominoplasty. You don’t really know how often you use your arms until you can’t use them anymore. I, also, am not able to fully extend my arm so reaching things is a challenge. I joke that I’m a turtle (but seriously)–as in when I don’t quite make it and then I’m merely rolling on my back trying to turn myself over.

The first day of work, I was pumped and ready to go. Then…I got there. Everyone was super concerned and everyone welcomed me back. The common reaction was ‘I can’t believe you’re back already’. My department is amazing and supportive. They are allowing me to come back on limited duty; which for a nurse, that’s huge! I have 5 lb pulling, pushing, lifting restrictions for 6 weeks. This didn’t seem to be my challenge to avoid. My challenge was the shear tiredness. I was exhausted! By about 10am, I hated my life. I was drained.

This continued the rest of the week. The exhaustion. Then let’s add to it. I can’t get comfortable at night. I’m a tummy sleeper and this surgery requires you to be a back sleeper. Plus, I have to elevate my arms and I can feel just the pressure of my body weight against my incision sites and it’s torture. Then came the night sweats. Freezing, shivering cold then to soak-the-bed sweating. I checked my temperature; no fever. I checked my incision sites; no signs of infection. So, I’ve attributed this to a stress response. Lisa put it very well: my body doesn’t know that I did this on purpose. My body is just in complete shock. I’m achy and uncomfortable at night. The lack of sleep has contributed to my long days.

Nevertheless, I made it through the work week. Although, they did low census me 2 of 3 of the days and I did not complain. I was thankful.

Then this weekend, my amazing girlfriend came over. I thought I’d be a total kill joy but it was surprisingly good. I had another restless night Friday but Saturday and today, we got out of the house. I got to walk around and get some sun. It was good and much needed. At this point in my weight loss journey, I’m pretty accustomed to physical activity. I try to walk about an hour a day for my activity and then do some other type of exercise on most days. But this week, I’ve done good to do my basic ADLs (activities of daily living).

As of right now, what is bothering me most is my arm pits. And not exactly my armpits as you can see in my pictures. The constant motion of the arms really irritates this region and it hurts. It is uncomfortable. Due to my bypass, I’m not able to take NSAIDS-so no IB profen for me. I’m off of my narcotics and surviving on tylenol. During the week, I maxed out my acetaminophen limits but this weekend, it has been better.

A friend from work asked me if it was worth it and if I regret it. I had to take pause. Don’t get me wrong, I’m am so very pleased with my surgery but, man, this is a struggle. My reply to her was ‘have you seen the size of my arms?!’ Jury is still out on how I feel about the extra incision (down my arm/ribs) which took the skin that hung over the back side of my bra. When I told her this, my friend said ‘pain is temporary’. This is so true. So I’ll reflect more on this after this pain/uncomfortableness/irritation passes.

I’m hopeful for this next week. I hope that the night sweats are over because they are awful. I hope to build up my strength as I’m feeling extremely weak all over.

Okay…now to the good stuff: the physical progress/pics. My incisions aren’t dirty. They still have surgical tape on them. Hoping to have that removed at this week’s post op appointment.

PostOp2wkVSPreOp — Side by side comparison: Pre-op Vs. 2 weeks Post Op

PostOp2weeks (4) — THIS! This incision is the booger! Right there, in the armpit region is the source of about 95% of my pain. When my arm is down, the incisions are not super noticeable. And the incisions on my breast are very thin and I’m hopeful that they will fade a good amount.

PostOp2wkVSPreop (3) — And this here, this here is why I did the surgery. These ‘bat wings’ are what bother me the most. And I’m so glad that they are gone!

PostOp2wkVSPreop (1) — Taking this picture was an accomplishment in itself. It’s like my arms weigh a ton!!!

Who’s That Girl In the Mirror? Graphic Images

Image January 27, 2016 Jessica 2 Comments

Have you ever thought to yourself if I had this or if I accomplished this then I’d be happy? I mean…with whatever…be it weight, money, love. All my life I’ve imagined what my life would be like if I were thin. Surely it’d be better and it’d be different. So many times I’d look at myself in the mirror and say ‘man, if I could just lose {fill in the blank}, I’d be content’.

I’ve always been very unhappy with my boobs and my arms. So extremely self conscious. It impacted everything from what I wore to how I sat to how I had sex. I can remember very vividly when Paul had moved into my house and I was changing clothes and I turned away from him as I took off my bra. He kinda chuckled and said ‘why do you do that’? I instantly felt embarrassed. I told him that he wouldn’t understand and it turned into this huge conversation. In summary, I hated the way my boobs sagged and he loved me just the way I was. He told me so many times throughout our relationship how beautiful and sexy I was and how much he desired me. This is the first time I’ve really said this but I never really believed him.

It was and is so absolutely irrational. My body issues are deep seeded. It wasn’t until probably a year into our relationship that I actually took off my bra during sex. Because I hated how they looked. I hated the sounds that they made.

I’m a bundle of emotions today. I’ve said it a thousand times: grief is a bitch. She’s an evil bitch that I think waits until you’re least expecting it and the she pushes you down and laughs at you. At least that’s how I feel today; how I feel this week.

I can’t tell you how long I’ve imagined having my arms and boobs done. Probably the first time I ever really gave it thought was at 16! That’s a lot of years of fantasizing of what it’d be like to have slender arms and perky boobs. I’ve never had them. And I’ve always had a negative body image about it too. I’ve always thought about how amazing it’d be if they looked a certain way.

As I showered today, I could see myself in the mirror. My boobs are very perky; perfectly rounded. They look they way I’ve imagined they should all of my life. I squeezed the soapy rag against my outreached arms and watched as the suds streamed down my arm, down my body. I washed my stomach and the underneath of my breast. It was foreign to me that I did not have to lift my breast. I bent down to wash my feet and my breast did not hang or sway and neither did my arms. I got out of the shower and dried off. I tried to whip my towel around my back to catch it with my other arm like I always do but I wasn’t able to. My face felt warm and my head was pounding, my nose turned red and my eye began to water.

012616 (1) — Significant bruising to underside of right breast. Minimal pain now.

012616 (2) — I can almost extend my left arm completely now. I only have about half of this range of motion on my right arm. Both arms are tight. I continue to have to ice them.

I stood there and I looked at myself in the mirror. I looked at myself from head to toe. Not intending to critique myself in the least. Just kinda soaking it all in. And I began to cry. Who is this girl?

This face. It’s slender with a defined jaw line, no double chin. Topped with the darkest shade of brown hair, so short that it barely brushes my brow. And my boobs: my nipples are centered and in the correct anatomical position. My bellies are still there but as I put my hand on my hip, I can feel and I can see my bone. I take a deep breath in and I can see my chest rise, my stomach drawn in; I can see the outline of my rib cage. I turn to the side and I look at my arm. Slender. One smooth, semi-even line from my shoulder to wrist. I dry my back and I can see my shoulder blades. My lumbar spine is defined and there is no back roll or rather back ‘shelf’. I stand forward again. My thighs are still thick by not massive and when I look down, I can see my toes.

012616 (1)

I don’t recognize this girl. She’s everything I’ve bargained with myself to be. She’s everything I’ve been working to accomplish but I just don’t recognize her.

I finish drying and I have to put my compression vest on. And the tears come full force as I have my right arm in the sleeve and I can’t quite reach behind my back for the left sleeve. My arms are tight.

And I close my eyes and I see Paul. We are standing in our home on 46th street. He’s holding my shrug as I put my arm in. And he tells me that it’s awfully warm outside and that this jacket isn’t really necessary. And I tell him ‘you know I hate my arms’. He kisses my shoulder and tells me he loves me just as I am.

I struggle but I get the vest on. And I snap it. And I look at myself tears streaming. He loved me just as I was but I didn’t. Now I look the way I want but I don’t recognize myself. And I have this rush…this panic…this feeling I felt for days, weeks, months on end following his death after all my friends and family had to leave my side to get back to their lives…I’m alone.

There’s some days when my house is so quiet and I walk through it and I have flash backs of a moment where he stood in that spot. And I think of the moment we stood there together. And now my memory is not of the girl that I see in the mirror now. And in some morbid way, it’s devastating.

**big sigh**

Being a widow is tough. Being a bariatric surgery patient who lost her husband on the same day is even more tough. In time wounds heal, but big wounds always leave a scar. I’m still healing. I still have days like today where it hurts like it is January 2015. On nights like right now, when my heart is literally aching and it seems that I’ve surely cried every tear a person could possibly produce, I try to tell myself to be thankful. I’m so thankful that I experienced Paul. I’m so thankful that I experienced a love that touched me to my core. I’m thankful that I survived. I’m thankful that I’ve pressed onward. I’m thankful that I’ve experienced new love. I’m thankful that I get to keep his memories with me. I’m thankful for this blog to share them with you. And I know that sooner or later I’ll recognize the girl in the mirror and I’m gonna love her too.

Batwing-less {One Week Post Op} Graphic Images

Image January 26, 2016 Jessica 2 Comments

ArmProgress (2)

I had my one week post op follow up with my surgeon today. I discussed with him all of my concerns which included that my right nipple is slightly to the right and the underside is slightly red. He assured me that it will take weeks to heal and for the swelling to decrease but when it does all that will subside. He is very happy with my progress. Next week I see him again and he will be removing my surgical tape.

Healing status: my left nipple does not have much feeling. My right does. They are starting to actually look like nipples instead of weird cones. I still have numbness on the underside of both breasts. And the places with feeling alternate itching and pain. How obnoxious. As for my arms, they are mostly numb around the incision site. The source of the height of pain is at the axillary. No surprise there. Every bend of the arm I feel it. Ugh.

ArmProgress (1)

The best part was that he let me put on my compression vest/bra in place of my ace wrap and hospital bra. It was amazing! It feels soooo much better. The pressure is even. It’s difficult to explain but it’s amazing. But it’s also hot. It’s satin and it doesn’t breathe as well as I’d like it to be.

Overall, I feel great about my surgery. I feel fat. And don’t even one of you discount that feeling. I’m bloated. First off, I gained 14 lbs from surgery. Then I didn’t use my nurse knowledge and add docusate to my mountain of daily meds until day 6 when I felt my belly and was like ‘ooo that’s not squishy skin’. Ugh. I won’t regal you with all the lovely details. (Although, I, of course, can have casual poo talk like most woman casually talk about jewelry.) I’m fairly certain I scarred Lisa’s daughter when we went to the store and I loaded up the cart with my plan for success. Anyways, I ended my seven days of constipation.

I still feel extremely bloated. My abdomen/belly is round and it’s usually just lumpy (from excess skin). I rationally know that when I get back to my regular activity level and shed this water weight that all will be well again. But since I’m thoroughly aware of my alter-ego— ya know that psychopathic weight obsessive irrational eternal fat girl—I asked Lisa to hide my scale so that I don’t torture myself. This has been a great thing for me. I feel bloated/fat but at least I don’t have to obsess over the number.

Running around today totally wore me out and when I got home I pretty much passed out for 2 hours unintentionally. I’m thankful to have one more day. Back to work Wednesday.

Lastly, I just wanna say a quick thank you to all of you that read my thoughts on here and all the amazing support that I have received. It’s truly overwhelming and wonderful.

Hope your day was great. If it wasn’t, make tomorrow one.

Post Op Day 5 Graphic images

Image January 24, 2016 Jessica Leave a comment

These last few days have gone by quickly. I’m healing slowly. I’m thankful to have Lisa by my side. She’s like the best ‘tucker-inner’ ever. haha. She caters to my neuroses: picks up the messes through out the house (no matter how small), cups lined up the way I do, lights my candles throughout the house, hangs my laundry, knows how I like my coffee, knows all the veggies I like in my eggs, knows that even though I’m hot my feet never are, doesn’t sugar coat things, just judge my anxiety-helps to calm me until it passes.

The majority of my pain in above my right breast where there’s a lump that I’ve been assured is not a hematoma and will resolve. The other is my armpit. It’s difficult to get comfortable. I’m retaining water like no other.

Also, I’m constipated. Shame on me, I know better. With being out of it the first couple days, I didn’t tell anyone about my probiotics so I was off those and I hadn’t added a stool softener. Yesterday, I was putting on real pants and realized my stomach wasn’t all squishy–it was distended and firm. And I counted…holy fuck 6 days. I’m literally full of shit. So I load up on bowel meds. I’m wicked bloated and uncomfortable.

PostOpDay5 (7)

On a positive note, I undressed myself solo today (lisa stood by to help). I was pleased to see that my nipples are starting to look like actual nipples instead of purple cones. I might have literally ‘eeked ‘.The left one is starting to shape nicely. I have no sensation in my left nipple but I do in my right, I’m a bit concerned about the right one that has so much pain. It’s slightly red, still has the lump and lightly warm to touch. I have been keeping up with my temp and I’ve been running a low grade fever but nothing to be concerned about. I have my post op appointment tomorrow so I’ll be discussing all of this tomorrow.

PostOpDay5 (1) - Copy — Still swollen. Right one is a bit off center and is red and tender. Nipples now have a bit of shape. The itching in my cleavage is way annoying!

On an emotional note, I looked at myself in the mirror and reflected. All my life I’ve wanted these boobs. I’ve always had sad boobs. Never was there a time where Paul disapproved of my boobs. He always thought I was gorgeous and sexy and he never wanted me to alter myself. And so I look in the mirror…over a 180lbs smaller; all types of piercings; another tattoo; short hair; lost my double chin; no glassess; small perky boobs; slender arms. And I think…I’m totally different. My dad had said the other day ‘geez Jessie. Had I passed you on the street…I wouldn’t have recognized you’. I can’t help but wonder, would it be the same way for Paul. But then I take a step back and I reflect on the man Paul was…’I want you to be happy, baby. I’ll do anything to make you happy.’ I can’t tell you how many times he said that to me. I love that man. And, man, I sure to miss him.

PostOpDay5 (3) — The upper bra area is already smooth which I am so pleased with. No bat wings!

Displaying 20160124_102056.jpg PostOpDay5 (6)

PostOpDay5 (2) — These incisions are by far the worst. You probably are having some empathetic pain for me but, really, the most pain is right in the crease of the arm pit. Thankfully, the majority of it is numb. I’ll have wicked scares but, man, my arms are normal size even with all of the swelling!

PostOpDay5 (4) PostOpDay5 (5)

Day before first skin removal

January 19, 2016 Jessica 3 Comments

ONE HUNDRED EIGHTY THREE. 183 pounds. 640,500 calories. That is what I’ve lost. Over the past 601 days, I’ve worked towards becoming healthy, towards shedding these pounds that have held me back my entire life. I’ve spent most of the minutes of my adult hood uncomfortable: with how I look, how I feel, how I imagine that I am perceived. And to this day, when I look in the mirror, I still see that same 341 lb girl. I know I’m not her but that image is still what I see. Tomorrow I get to complete step one to being closer to shedding this suit.

When the topic of extra skin comes up, most ask about my stomach. I guess when you think about extreme weight loss that’s the area that is most dramatically impacted. Although, for me, that isn’t what is most bothersome. It’s my arms. They’ve always been big. I’ve always been self conscious of their size and stretch marks. And since the dramatic weight loss, I now have floppy, old lady arms AKA bat wings. When I do a plank, I can see the skin wrinkle and it looks like a 90 year old woman’s arm. When I run in a sleeveless top, they clap. And tomorrow, I get to change that.

Day before brachioplasty and mastopexy BUST: 36 BAND: 32 ARM: 12.5 BRA SIZE: 34DDD

On my list of things to accomplish by 30, is breast augmentation. I turn 30 in March. I’m beyond excited that I’ll be checking that off my list. I come from a long line of big busted beauties. And I am going to be glad to get rid of them. In the words of my surgeon …’they’ll be beautiful and up to my chin’!!!

I plan to upload progress pics of my transition/progress (be forewarned that they could be graphic and disturbing and your breasts might have sympathy pain for me ). I’ll be wrapped or in compression garments for a total of 6 weeks. Swelling will be a great concern. I’m told it will take weeks for it to recede.

I love that my surgeon gave me my scripts ahead of time. I’ve already gotten them filled. My bag is packed. My pillows are ready to go. I’ve got my support system ready to go. I’m very fortunate to have so much love and support from friends, family, acquaintances and co-workers.

I’m prepared for pain and pressure. I’m prepared to feel like poo. I’m beyond ecstatic to take one step closer to completing my transformation.

Transformation Through Loss