Tag Archives: plastic surgery

Boobies on the Mend: 3 Week Post Op & Reflection

Image February 14, 2016 Jessica Leave a comment

Oh man. Where to start? It’s a long week or so.

Let’s start with my physical stuff. So, my right boob has been concerning. On February 2, my supervisor went to take her jacket off, turned and accidentally ‘punched’ me in my right boob. If you recall, my right boob required more reconstruction than my left and has been more painful and not exactly aesthetically pleasing. When this happened, it knocked the wind out of me. I didn’t really put 2 and 2 together at my 2 week post op appointment when the medical assistant questioned the new bruising on the 4th. At work the following day is when I realized the two were linked so I called my doc. The bruising progressively worsened and they wanted to see me the following week. I had my 3rd week follow up this past Wednesday day. He squeezed and manipulated my breasts. It was awkward since I don’t have feeling superficially to below my nipple. He told me I had 2 hematomas and that he could feel that an internal suture(s) ripped causing the bleeding. He needed to evacuate it! He stuck a 2 in. 18 gauge needle through my incision around my nipple and moved the needle around, pulled back on a 20 ml syringe trying to find the pocket. He got out 5 mls of dark red blood. Nothing else. He felt again and said he need to try again but would have to go through the breast. Eek. He attempted 3 additional sticks. Ouch. Although I have no feeling on the surface, I do have deep sensation. I started to sweat and turned ghost pale. He wasn’t able to get anything else out, sadly. He told me to just watch it and that it’d hopefully resolve. He was concerned regarding the possibility of infection. Since my appointment, my bruising has significantly reduced and the color is now green so I’m happy about that. His assistant called me yesterday to check on me and my doctor is still concerned so he has started me on a round of antibiotics. Better safe than sorry.

3WeeksPostOp (2) — Current boobies! Bruising is SOOO much better today! The itching has begun! 2/14

Otherwise, my incisions are healing well, I’m sleeping better (no more night sweats), I’m rarely requiring tylenol and the tape residue is ALMOST gone. My incisions are so fine and I’m excited to see the end result. The only source of pain is still under my arms. Constant bending of the incisions and chaffing is sometimes unbearable! My doctor told me it was my compression garment so I’ve tried just sleeves. Nope. I’ve tried gauze. Nope. I’ve tried bandaids which have helped the most buuuut then they chaff my actual armpit. Ugh. The struggle. Now, I’m using zinc oxide (baby butt paste which is helping). My 4 weeks is Tuesday and I no longer have to wear my compression sleeves unless I want to! That’s exciting and no compression garments does feel best on my underarms. Although, I still don’t have feeling to my incision sites to about a quarter inch on both side of it so it’s a weird sensation. And it makes me paranoid that it’ll rub on somethings so I’m now wearing long sleeves and I foresee me wearing compressions at work this week but we will see.

3WeeksPostOp (8) — 3 Week Arm Incisions are faint!!

3WeeksPostOp (7) — The arm crease is the most painful. Still numb on the underside of my arm.

3WeeksPostOp (4) — Exciting! I get to wear a bra!

I had my first therapy session post operatively. It was much needed and very over due. I feel like I word vomited all over her the moment my booty hit the couch. I’ve been struggling. My anxiety has been on high. Feeling a bit depressed. Feeling upset that I’m upset. And isn’t that some shit? Not only to have these feelings but to, also, have feelings about the feelings. It’s a bitch! I’ve been missing Paul more intensely. I feel guilty. I feel alone. It’s all a bit over whelming really. In my session, I said multiple times “I’ve wanted this as long as I can remember and these feelings are absurd. ABSURD!” Her first response to me “how about you give yourself permission to feel the way you feel?” I sat back. Sighed. And thought ‘well isn’t that a novel idea?’ Ha ha. It’s literally never occurred to me. And I let that thought soak in and I said ‘okay’. As she summed up what I said, the series of events is very overwhelming and the thought comes to me ‘well holy fuck dude. That’s kinda like a lot’. And Lisa has told me most of these things but I guess there’s just something about the third party, impartial somebody saying it that makes it stick. She reinforced that my mind, my heart, my body has been through a lot in this past year. She told me that I’m now having to grieve the loss of my ‘body’ while in the midst of grieving over my husband. It’s okay to be upset. It’s okay to say I’m not where I want to be. And in the moments of chaos, it’s hard to realize that it won’t always be this way. I won’t ALWAYS feel this way. I won’t ALWAYS feel out of control. Eventually, it will pass. She also brought up the point that I’m not as active as I’m used to being which effects my mind and body. I’m a very independent person that is temporarily at a point where I’m having to ask for help and not in a big way…in the small ways and that has an impact. Man oh man. I needed that reality check.

My mom gave me this little sign over a year ago that says: “You can do ANYTHING. You just can’t do EVERYTHING”. I think I have to realize and accept my limitations. I have to learn to be okay with them as they are a part of me and make me human.

Where’s my satisfaction? Where’s my happiness?

February 6, 2016 Jessica 2 Comments

**Right boob update: so the mystery is solved. I had forgotten that 3 days ago, a co-worker accidentally punched me in the right boob. I was following behind her and she went to take off her jacket and **whack** right in the right boob where all the bruising is! It knocked the wind outta me. I’m thankful that we figured this out. And don’t be hard on my co worker–it was totally an accident, she’s amazing! She even drew on my boob to outline the bruise so I could track it’s progression/regression!

“Wow” “I don’t even recognize you” “You look amazing” “You have done so much”. These are all common compliments I get from a multitude of people. I wanted to take a moment and just thank everyone for all of the support. I truly appreciate it.

IMG_20160204_130442 — Size 7/9 jeans. Low Rise.

Today, I visited my old floor. I transferred about 4 months ago. It always feels like home when I visit even though there are so many new faces. When I visit, I always hope for some juicy trauma drama gossip but my weight loss and surgery usually are the topic. I’m sure that’ll change over time. I enjoy talking about my journey; it’s been a long one. I love talking with these wonderful women who have known me since 2013 and have seen me at my heaviest and they were there when I started my weight loss journey and when Paul died, they were there to pick to me up. They have shown me unconditional love and compassion and support and I’m eternally grateful to these wonderful ladies. So, it should not come at any surprise that they are all just so absolutely supportive and positive towards me and the progress that I’ve made with my health, weight and body transformation.

Today, I was met with all smiling faces and kind words. I have been just a bundle of emotions since the beginning of the year (well, really since November 12, 2014–if I’m totally honest) and it has peaked since having surgery. I’ve touched on it a bit in a previous blog but this plastic surgery has really messed with my head. I was fully prepared for pain and recovery; I wasn’t prepared for exhaustion and mental torture. Okay, maybe that’s a bit dramatic, but, at times, that’s exactly what it feels like. I was all ready to knock this plastic surgery out and get to where I want to be but I’ve had a reality check.

I’m struggling with my identity and who I see in the mirror. I will never forget: standing in the shower. Naked. Lisa standing by to help me get my bandages/dressings off. I felt the water run down my body. I look to my left and, in the mirror, there she is; that girl. Frankenstein girl. Incisions. Perky boobs. Thin arms. I can see a her rib cage. And the room spins. I’m dizzy. Disoriented. My hearing is muffled. I’m slightly nauseated. And, for a second, I thought I’d pass out. Lisa helped me to the bed. I can’t remember the steps between the shower and my bed. And I laid on my back, on my bed, eyes shut. And I hear her calm voice, “it’s okay. I’m here”.

I’ve worked so hard and made a lot of sacrifices to get where I am today. I feel like my whole life has built to this point. I loved Paul; I love Paul. I will say it over and over because it is always true and pertinent. Although, as most know, it was never my ‘dream’ to get married or to have a family. Don’t get me wrong, I just want to be clear; I’ve said it many times: he was the dream I never knew I wanted; he was a love I never knew existed and, not for one second, have I ever regretted any moment we had together. That aside, you know what my dreams were? I wanted to be a successful career woman, self-sufficient and THIN. That’s what I wanted. Maybe it seems a bit shallow, but having been the fat girl for as long as I can recall…I wanted that. I wanted to look like the ‘regular girls’. I wanted to feel comfortable in my skin. I wanted to travel and not think about my hips squeezed into an airplane seat. And, now…I have that. Where’s my satisfaction? Where’s my happiness? That’s what was supposed to happen, right? I’ve shed the weight. I’ve met every one of my weight loss goals. I’ve got these perky boobs and slender arms. My god man; it’s, literally, all I’ve ever dreamed it could be.

My former co-worker and I were chatting. She said some things that really shook me. She described her impression of me, of first knowing me. (I’m paraphrasing) ‘To look at you, you were this shy, timid girl and now I see this confident girl that shines’. I was taken aback because I don’t know when that happened. I guess although I have these mounds and mounds of self-doubt that there is something under there. I just gotta dig it out. So, that gives me hope. Maybe I can’t see it quite yet but others do and that gives me hope.

It really is a constant battle; between what you think you want, what you actually want and what actually is. I’m so thankful for all these wonderful people in my life. Without you, I don’t know where I would be.

2 Week Post Op Appointment: tape removed!

February 5, 2016 Jessica Leave a comment

Today was my 2 week post op appointment. Sadly, less than an hour before my appointment, my surgeon’s office called and said that he wasn’t able to make it to clinic. Eek! Long story short, I saw his medical assistant instead. She removed the surgical tape which has been causing quite a bit of discomfort. I was quite nervous about this but it wasn’t painful. It felt weird actually. She was pretty concerned regarding the bruising on my right breast. She took pics and sent them to my surgeon who wanted to know what I did. To my recollection, I haven’t done anything. He had told me that he had to do a lot of work to that breast so I thought it was normal. He wants to see me next week to further assess. I’m to take daily pictures to compare the progression of the the bruising. Man, I surely hope I don’t have a complication…because I don’t have any PTO. Blah.

Physically, I feel pretty good. This week is substantially better than last week. My night sweats have decreased to maybe just once a night. I’m still feeling weak and am exhausted by the end of the day but it’s better than last week. I’m down to 1-2 doses of acetaminophen daily. I’m able to shower fairly easily. Not able to shave yet. I can almost fully extend my left arm but my right arm is lagging. It’s my T-rex arm. I now have sensation to both of my nipples but I remain numb in many places including the underside of both breasts and the underside of my arm from axillary to elbow.

Psychologically, I’m progressing. It’s not near as severe as it was the days following surgery. I’m able to look at myself in the mirror and not cry. That seems so odd. Can you imagine? I’ve been working towards this for what seems like forever and I’m satisfied with the fact that I’m not crying when I look at myself. That’s infuriating. In my rational mind, I know that it’ll take time. Lisa pointed out that it’s like you have to mourn that person that you no longer are and I can see that. I’m missing Paul more so recently. I’m sure for many reasons. Valentine’s Day, our anniversary, my 30th birthday, this surgery, etc. It has stirred me up. I’ve made an appointment with my therapist for next week. I need some guidance with my struggles lately.

I took measurements today.

PreOperatively: Bust: 36 Band 32 Arm 13

Today PostOp: Bust 37 Band 32 Arm 11

I’m hoping there’s swelling that will subside but dang. I was expecting a smaller bust. We shall see.

The medical assistant said to remove the tape residue before posting my eh, I wanted to blog now. I’m so very impressed with the incisions. They are so fine. Once everything is healed they’ll be barely noticeable. She did tell me to stay away from vitamin E as it can actually cause the scars to widen! What?! She recommended cocoa butter and baby oil. Which most of the cocoa butter I found at Target had vitamin E. Luckily, I found a baby oil gel with cocoa butter. BAM! Also, I can now where a sports bra with no wire with arm compressions, technically. Although, I know I’d have a difficult time with a pull over and I don’t have the arm sleeves.

Thanks for reading. Here’s to date progress pics.

Right breast is significantly bruised. MD is concerned. Watching it closely.

Incisions are so fine!! Will clean up the residue this weekend. So happy to have the tape off!

Back to work! Now, 2 weeks Post Op GRAPHIC PICTURES

February 1, 2016 Jessica Leave a comment

I went back to work this week. I worked 3 days (my usual work week is four 10 hour days). I tell you what, it was rough. I overestimated myself. I, of course, want to be brutally honest. So bare with me.

It’s a struggle to do just the bare minimum. And, by this, I mean to dress myself. It’s truly a work out. Just getting from a sitting to standing position is a challenge. I truly have learned that I need to do more abdominal work outs. I plan to hit it hard core and be in the best abdominal shape of my life for my 360 abdominoplasty. You don’t really know how often you use your arms until you can’t use them anymore. I, also, am not able to fully extend my arm so reaching things is a challenge. I joke that I’m a turtle (but seriously)–as in when I don’t quite make it and then I’m merely rolling on my back trying to turn myself over.

The first day of work, I was pumped and ready to go. Then…I got there. Everyone was super concerned and everyone welcomed me back. The common reaction was ‘I can’t believe you’re back already’. My department is amazing and supportive. They are allowing me to come back on limited duty; which for a nurse, that’s huge! I have 5 lb pulling, pushing, lifting restrictions for 6 weeks. This didn’t seem to be my challenge to avoid. My challenge was the shear tiredness. I was exhausted! By about 10am, I hated my life. I was drained.

This continued the rest of the week. The exhaustion. Then let’s add to it. I can’t get comfortable at night. I’m a tummy sleeper and this surgery requires you to be a back sleeper. Plus, I have to elevate my arms and I can feel just the pressure of my body weight against my incision sites and it’s torture. Then came the night sweats. Freezing, shivering cold then to soak-the-bed sweating. I checked my temperature; no fever. I checked my incision sites; no signs of infection. So, I’ve attributed this to a stress response. Lisa put it very well: my body doesn’t know that I did this on purpose. My body is just in complete shock. I’m achy and uncomfortable at night. The lack of sleep has contributed to my long days.

Nevertheless, I made it through the work week. Although, they did low census me 2 of 3 of the days and I did not complain. I was thankful.

Then this weekend, my amazing girlfriend came over. I thought I’d be a total kill joy but it was surprisingly good. I had another restless night Friday but Saturday and today, we got out of the house. I got to walk around and get some sun. It was good and much needed. At this point in my weight loss journey, I’m pretty accustomed to physical activity. I try to walk about an hour a day for my activity and then do some other type of exercise on most days. But this week, I’ve done good to do my basic ADLs (activities of daily living).

As of right now, what is bothering me most is my arm pits. And not exactly my armpits as you can see in my pictures. The constant motion of the arms really irritates this region and it hurts. It is uncomfortable. Due to my bypass, I’m not able to take NSAIDS-so no IB profen for me. I’m off of my narcotics and surviving on tylenol. During the week, I maxed out my acetaminophen limits but this weekend, it has been better.

A friend from work asked me if it was worth it and if I regret it. I had to take pause. Don’t get me wrong, I’m am so very pleased with my surgery but, man, this is a struggle. My reply to her was ‘have you seen the size of my arms?!’ Jury is still out on how I feel about the extra incision (down my arm/ribs) which took the skin that hung over the back side of my bra. When I told her this, my friend said ‘pain is temporary’. This is so true. So I’ll reflect more on this after this pain/uncomfortableness/irritation passes.

I’m hopeful for this next week. I hope that the night sweats are over because they are awful. I hope to build up my strength as I’m feeling extremely weak all over.

Okay…now to the good stuff: the physical progress/pics. My incisions aren’t dirty. They still have surgical tape on them. Hoping to have that removed at this week’s post op appointment.

PostOp2wkVSPreOp — Side by side comparison: Pre-op Vs. 2 weeks Post Op

PostOp2weeks (4) — THIS! This incision is the booger! Right there, in the armpit region is the source of about 95% of my pain. When my arm is down, the incisions are not super noticeable. And the incisions on my breast are very thin and I’m hopeful that they will fade a good amount.

PostOp2wkVSPreop (3) — And this here, this here is why I did the surgery. These ‘bat wings’ are what bother me the most. And I’m so glad that they are gone!

PostOp2wkVSPreop (1) — Taking this picture was an accomplishment in itself. It’s like my arms weigh a ton!!!

Post Op Day 5 Graphic images

Image January 24, 2016 Jessica Leave a comment

These last few days have gone by quickly. I’m healing slowly. I’m thankful to have Lisa by my side. She’s like the best ‘tucker-inner’ ever. haha. She caters to my neuroses: picks up the messes through out the house (no matter how small), cups lined up the way I do, lights my candles throughout the house, hangs my laundry, knows how I like my coffee, knows all the veggies I like in my eggs, knows that even though I’m hot my feet never are, doesn’t sugar coat things, just judge my anxiety-helps to calm me until it passes.

The majority of my pain in above my right breast where there’s a lump that I’ve been assured is not a hematoma and will resolve. The other is my armpit. It’s difficult to get comfortable. I’m retaining water like no other.

Also, I’m constipated. Shame on me, I know better. With being out of it the first couple days, I didn’t tell anyone about my probiotics so I was off those and I hadn’t added a stool softener. Yesterday, I was putting on real pants and realized my stomach wasn’t all squishy–it was distended and firm. And I counted…holy fuck 6 days. I’m literally full of shit. So I load up on bowel meds. I’m wicked bloated and uncomfortable.

PostOpDay5 (7)

On a positive note, I undressed myself solo today (lisa stood by to help). I was pleased to see that my nipples are starting to look like actual nipples instead of purple cones. I might have literally ‘eeked ‘.The left one is starting to shape nicely. I have no sensation in my left nipple but I do in my right, I’m a bit concerned about the right one that has so much pain. It’s slightly red, still has the lump and lightly warm to touch. I have been keeping up with my temp and I’ve been running a low grade fever but nothing to be concerned about. I have my post op appointment tomorrow so I’ll be discussing all of this tomorrow.

PostOpDay5 (1) - Copy — Still swollen. Right one is a bit off center and is red and tender. Nipples now have a bit of shape. The itching in my cleavage is way annoying!

On an emotional note, I looked at myself in the mirror and reflected. All my life I’ve wanted these boobs. I’ve always had sad boobs. Never was there a time where Paul disapproved of my boobs. He always thought I was gorgeous and sexy and he never wanted me to alter myself. And so I look in the mirror…over a 180lbs smaller; all types of piercings; another tattoo; short hair; lost my double chin; no glassess; small perky boobs; slender arms. And I think…I’m totally different. My dad had said the other day ‘geez Jessie. Had I passed you on the street…I wouldn’t have recognized you’. I can’t help but wonder, would it be the same way for Paul. But then I take a step back and I reflect on the man Paul was…’I want you to be happy, baby. I’ll do anything to make you happy.’ I can’t tell you how many times he said that to me. I love that man. And, man, I sure to miss him.

PostOpDay5 (3) — The upper bra area is already smooth which I am so pleased with. No bat wings!

Displaying 20160124_102056.jpg PostOpDay5 (6)

PostOpDay5 (2) — These incisions are by far the worst. You probably are having some empathetic pain for me but, really, the most pain is right in the crease of the arm pit. Thankfully, the majority of it is numb. I’ll have wicked scares but, man, my arms are normal size even with all of the swelling!

PostOpDay5 (4) PostOpDay5 (5)

Day before first skin removal

January 19, 2016 Jessica 3 Comments

ONE HUNDRED EIGHTY THREE. 183 pounds. 640,500 calories. That is what I’ve lost. Over the past 601 days, I’ve worked towards becoming healthy, towards shedding these pounds that have held me back my entire life. I’ve spent most of the minutes of my adult hood uncomfortable: with how I look, how I feel, how I imagine that I am perceived. And to this day, when I look in the mirror, I still see that same 341 lb girl. I know I’m not her but that image is still what I see. Tomorrow I get to complete step one to being closer to shedding this suit.

When the topic of extra skin comes up, most ask about my stomach. I guess when you think about extreme weight loss that’s the area that is most dramatically impacted. Although, for me, that isn’t what is most bothersome. It’s my arms. They’ve always been big. I’ve always been self conscious of their size and stretch marks. And since the dramatic weight loss, I now have floppy, old lady arms AKA bat wings. When I do a plank, I can see the skin wrinkle and it looks like a 90 year old woman’s arm. When I run in a sleeveless top, they clap. And tomorrow, I get to change that.

Day before brachioplasty and mastopexy BUST: 36 BAND: 32 ARM: 12.5 BRA SIZE: 34DDD

On my list of things to accomplish by 30, is breast augmentation. I turn 30 in March. I’m beyond excited that I’ll be checking that off my list. I come from a long line of big busted beauties. And I am going to be glad to get rid of them. In the words of my surgeon …’they’ll be beautiful and up to my chin’!!!

I plan to upload progress pics of my transition/progress (be forewarned that they could be graphic and disturbing and your breasts might have sympathy pain for me ). I’ll be wrapped or in compression garments for a total of 6 weeks. Swelling will be a great concern. I’m told it will take weeks for it to recede.

I love that my surgeon gave me my scripts ahead of time. I’ve already gotten them filled. My bag is packed. My pillows are ready to go. I’ve got my support system ready to go. I’m very fortunate to have so much love and support from friends, family, acquaintances and co-workers.

I’m prepared for pain and pressure. I’m prepared to feel like poo. I’m beyond ecstatic to take one step closer to completing my transformation.

Transformation Through Loss