Close your eyes. Imagine all of the best moments of your life. Name the best two. Now, if you had 30 seconds to live or relive what would they look like?

This was the exercise my amazing charge nurse did with the four of us nurses in my department about a week ago. Answers varied from triumph over traumatic violation to children to marriage to the feeling of God. All heart warming. All brought tears to my eyes. Thirty seconds to relish in the hug of a child; 30 seconds to thank a stranger; 30 seconds to sit with your dad.

I sat there with my eyes closed. Floods of images came to mind. At the forefront: my grandparents, Paul, our wedding day, our first date, conversations with my brother, closing on our home, sky diving, day drinking in Austin, the day my brother asked me to be his best man, drinking and dancing with Lisa in my kitchen, graduating nursing school, my mom’s tumor is found to be benign, cards with my family, Tennessee, Vegas with my mom, making out in the McDonald’s freezer, skipping school to hang with my bff, my Papa teaching me to drive in his 89 Chevy, Cruise to Mexico. So many.

When my turn came to share my 2 best moments, I was so choked up I could barely get the words out of my mouth.  The first I picked wasn’t my wedding day; although it was a great moment and truly one of the best. The very best day of my life was a series of moments really…the ones within the two weeks of first meeting Paul. On June 12, 2010, I started talking to this wonderful man that kept me chatting then on the phone until like 3am. We had our first date on the 13th. I remember the butterflies in my stomach as I walked out of Bank of America in my bright pink sun dress. It was a windy day. I walked towards the blue Trail blazer and climbed in. He was buckled in his seat belt. Blue stripped shirt. Goatee. A smile that beamed from ear to ear. “What’s up”. And my world was forever changed.  Within two weeks, this girl that was ‘never getting married’ talked to her brother on the phone and told him how she was going to marry him. What a wonderful time.

The next best day of my life came just a couple weeks ago. I’ve told you of the unforeseen panic attack of my first shower post op. I’ve never felt such panic but in those moments came the best moment. Lisa. It’s a blur getting from the shower to the bed, those probably 10 steps. But me lying on the bed. Naked. Panicked. The world spinning. Eyes closed. “It’s okay. I’m here. You’re not alone.” And then I was calm. Eyes still closed, I thought about the last time she said that to me “you’re not alone”. Those are powerful words to me. They evoke this emotion in me. And stir me up. And make me cry but not in a bad way. Although, I have loads of people that love and support me, I feel alone. And the next best moment of my life is her. My next chapter of happiness. The fact that I’m not going to live out my life alone. Sure I cherish my memories and I always will, but I don’t have to live out my life with just those memories. And, that, that is wonderful.

And the 30 seconds I’d live over? The last moment I saw Paul. In that hospital room. Our last hug. Our last I love you. I’d hold him tight and I’d tell him that he was my world, that I loved him more than imaginable and I’d thank him. I’d not take those 30 seconds for granted. I didn’t know I was at the time but I guess I did because when I look back on that moment, that hug, that I love you–it was an every day I love you. Ya know what I mean?

I loved this exercise even though it made me cry. And lying here, typing this, I’m crying. I think back on the Jillian Michael’s event that I went to recently when she quotes Thoreau’s: The Mass of Men. We lead these lives that we really don’t want. I love my job but not one of my memories is the best day of my life a work day. It’s always an experience, a loved one, a feeling. So I want more of that. More love and laughter; less worry and waste. I hope you work towards that as well.