I haven’t blogged in awhile. I have been in a weird place lately. Where life is tedious. I don’t want to do anything. And the blog became like an obligation to me. I also didn’t feel like people cared about what I had to say aside from a few (I know people care).

I’ve noticed myself not being myself. I’m not participating in the things that I generally enjoy doing. I almost dread social interaction. I’ve been in this rut. Bare minimum. Come home, do my adulting, eat, sleep. The last weeks have been especially difficult for no single reason.

I’m a passionate person {on selective things lol} and that can really fatigue me. I obsess! I’m a fixer. I want it all fixed. I want to know what I can do to make it better or to tell someone else what to do to make it better. And when that puzzled does not line up, I can kinda take it hard. In fact, I spin out of control.

Case and point…my niece. For months, I’ve been watching her social media posts growing more and more upset about the image that she is putting out there. We aren’t close and I don’t feel that she really respects me or my opinion so I never say anything to her. But after I saw screen shots of bullying, posts that were merely for drama and over sexualized photos for a 14 year old girl…I couldn’t hold it in any longer. So I reached out to my sister. Told her what I was seeing and such. This doesn’t make much sense without a little back ground. My niece is a beautiful girl. She is smart. She has a good heart. She is a typical teenage girl…in love with love. But without a father figure and too much social media freedom, she is attracting the wrong kind of attention with certain behaviors. Okay…so anyways…as her aunt and just as a human being that cares…I worry about her. I want great things for her…for her to have the kind of life that a smart, beautiful girl as herself can have. Well, after speaking with my sister…the posts kind of continued. I reached out again. And my niece says to me “can you please stop sending screen shots to my mom”…um no. And I’m really upset about it all. Just too upset. Upset about something that I CAN NOT change. I have no power here but I get so obsessive and so upset that it causes harm to no one but myself.

Once last week, I found myself snacking on chips that make me sick! And not because I was hungry. I had purged my home of naughty foods and missed this left over bag. I had a handful of chips…cursed myself and took my butt to the dumpster and threw though fuckers away! I came in and I felt shame. I felt AWFUL!

After spending a night with Lisa, I drove back home. But I didn’t go straight home. I made multiple stops at fast food drive-thrus. Compulsively. I wasn’t hungry. I just felt compelled that I needed to have this crappy food. And I sat in the drive thru and argued with myself at each location “What are you doing?! NO No no!” and I reversed and I left each time. I pulled into Wal-mart thinking I’d pick up a few items…and as I sat there, I told myself “Jessica…you aren’t in a great place right now to make good choices”. And I left. It was a true emotional battle. When I got home…I felt AWFUL.

When I got home, I immediately took my Contrave (a medication that helps post surgical bariatric patients with head hunger) and emailed my therapist for an appointment. I felt so bad about myself. Like why do I do this?! I stand back and reflect on how I got here. I’m maintaining my weight but I’m not maintaining the life style change. I’ve been in this very dangerous cycle. High emotions–self sabotage–food obsession–shame/guilt. It is the cycle that got me to 341 lbs. (351 at the absolute heaviest).

But this time, THIS TIME…I did something different. Something that I have NEVER done. I confessed my compulsions/cycle to my 2 co-workers that are great friends. Then I confessed them to Lisa. And, today, lastly I confessed them to my mom. And it was HARD. My voice shook each time. My stomach was in knots. My anxiety was cranked to max. I was so fearful of the judgement; of the shame. And their reactions…were everything I needed and more. There wasn’t a gasp of appall; not an awkward silence as they judged and figured out what to say; no ‘why did you do that’; or “you know better’. I was met with no knee jerk reactions. Each conversation was just that…a conversation that ended with praise for changes in behaviors. And the anxiety that I felt… it melted and faded away. All this shame; all this guilt. All created by me.

My point is this…you gotta let that shit go. Sometimes it is someone else’s shit and sometimes it’s yours. Nevertheless…let it go. We must ALWAYS self analyze and self reflect. To look at where we stand right now and ask ourselves “is this the person I want to be” “is this the life that I want to lead” and “am I happy”. If the answer is no then you have to reevaluate what you are doing and change course. Your destiny is completely within your control.

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I haven’t blogged since March so a few things have happened that are worth sharing:

I FINALLY graduated with my Bachelor’s in Nursing!!

My baby sister got married and I was a bridesmaid. It is hard to believe that my little sister is starting her own family.

We {Lisa, myself and the girl child} went to Niagara Falls staying on the Canadian side where we zip lined and rode the Horn Blower. We went to NYC and saw the sights! I left a little of Paul in Niagara Falls and at Liberty Island.

Father’s Day happened where my Dad didn’t wear his teeth when we took him out.

 

I went to Pride in OKC for the first time!

My Dad celebrated 90 days of sobriety!

And I’m finding my peace through yoga and taking a break from the kind of exercise that I don’t really enjoy.

Thanks for all of your support. Love you all! Live the life that you desire; not the one that life makes for you -Jessica-ism