The world is spinning but I’m walking perfectly straight–Except the physical world is not spinning but rather the world inside me turns upside down and inside out. To those around you, you’re put together. “Wow. You’re so strong. I don’t know how you do it.” That one is a common statement a widow hears. I can tell you this…just as with anyone else going though anything traumatic: the outside typically doesn’t match the inside; and that there is me.
“Hold it together. Don’t let them see you stumble. You have to be perfect,” says the voice inside my anxiety, grief stricken, perfectionist mind. Makes me think of the lyric in Miranda Lambert’s song Mama’s Broken Heart that says “Don’t matter how you feel, it only matter how you look…hide your crazy and start actin’ like a lady ‘cause I raised you better, gotta keep it together even when you fall apart”. Not that my mom pushed that on me; maybe my grandma a little, who knows. But it is absolutely how I feel.
Towards the end of summer 2017, I approached my breaking point and was in a full on grief/depressive/anxiety cycle well before the typical November time period. I realized that I was feeling quite a bit different from how I’d felt in past years. It is like I could see me falling in slow motion but unable to stop it. I tried to use some new coping skills I’ve acquired through self-reflection and therapy. Feel the good; let go of the bad. Release the burden. Listen to yourself. And after an emotional and life altering family trip in August, I removed myself from social media (Facebook and Instagram). I started going to therapy monthly and I started working on myself.
Five months later, I’m so much better. I feel as though I have made some tremendous growth in my personal and professional life. I’m past the holidays that I so greatly dread every year since we lost Paul.
I wasn’t sure if my blog actually reached anyone but I’ve had several people reach out to me and I feel validated and motivated to pick it back up J With my absence from social media, maybe you’d like a bit of an update on the past several months. I’ll expand on some of these in upcoming blogs but here’s a brief recap:
- I’ve gone places: Florida where Lisa and I realized how truly unique and amazing our relationship is; where a friendship dear to my heart ended. Colorado where we zip lined in the Rockies and slept in a VW van! Texas where we had our family Christmas and Emily felt validated.
- Had a boudoir shoot
- Had an uncomfortable boundary setting conversation with a family member
- Started to decorate my house
- Cut off burden/financial support to my dad
- Developed and deepened my relationship with my sister
- Stopped exercising
- Organized various areas in my home
- Drank more alcohol than I usually do
- Deep cleaned multiple areas of my home including painting my guest bath
- Lost connection (in conversation) with several people
- Went to a nursing consortium that was mind blowing causing a shift in my mindset
- First “fight” with Lisa; first “fight” with Emily; reached and overcame potential breaking point of our relationship
- Became passionate about combatting incivility in the work place
- Spent way too much money
- Am currently in remission of my slave to my ball and chain {i.e. scale}; currently maintaining my weight fluctuating from 153-160; and I’m okay with it!
- Battled with some crippling depression and overwhelming anxiety
- Found new depth within my relationships that are dearest to my heart
- Currently battling with a stomach ulcer
- Was recognized as Employee of the Quarter by my peers
- Started reupholstering my antique chairs
- Learned how to anchor
- Cleaned out the garage for Lisa to park
- Set a date for Lisa to move in| Postponed move in date
- Went to a Sexy Basics exercise class with my work peeps
- Implemented combating incivility in the workplace; have had a lot of personal success with it
- My brother turned 30; My sister makes some major life decisions and I support her
- Decided to attain a National Nursing Certification; got department to provide books J
- Got my momma up and walking several times a week with my sister and I
- Stopped walking when Christmas came around
- Improved communication between my immediate family
- Learned to sew on my sewing machine; made an apron
- Stood my ground with a leader in my department; getting better at staying calm/grounded
- Went 3 weeks without spending ANY frivolous money
- PURGED CLEANED ORGANIZED PURGED CLEANED ORGANIZED
- Cleared a drawer and a rod in the closet for Lisa; working on making my home ours
- Working on vocalizing needs versus analyzing other’s actions/words constantly
- Ate a few too many sweets; Do we see a cycle here?
- Had genetic sensitivity testing for my antidepressant/antianxiolitic medications; experiencing success with a new medication but with side effect L
- Was sick over the New Year holiday but spent a lot of time with my Lisa which made me happy.
- I tell Lisa specifically what I need; Lisa fulfills said need
- Maintained boundaries even when it hurt
- Leaned on relationships at work; promoting positivity in the workplace; encouraging others
- Recognition and validation of short comings within myself and their impact on past relationships; Live and learn
- Listening more; talking less. Ask more questions; criticize less
- Hearing, Learning and implementing: what’s so wrong with giving someone what they need? If it costs you nothing, what’s the harm? What a novel concept.
- Melding the following mottos into my life: What we accept, we PROMOTE; and, Being fat (or insert anything you battle with) is hard, Being thin (Insert something you struggle to attain) is hard: pick YOUR hard!
- Had a heart to heart with Lisa’s oldest and it went really well
- Have felt the pain/struggle of a “step-parent” role even though I’m not technically one
- And currently: working on healing my mind/life/emotional state much like my ulcer: rest, limitations/boundaries, “medications” and once healed preventing further “break downs” with maintenance similar to the previous statement.
This, of course, is not an all-inclusive list but rather hits the highlights of the last several months. It has been a time of incredible growth for me. I don’t say that in a elitist or snobbish manner but, rather with a voice of amazement. How inconceivable it seems that a person could go through this much and I can guarantee each of you who are close to me will think “I had no idea”. This leads me back to the beginning of this entry. In the mind of a person who battles with grief, depression and anxiety concurrently the world is spinning—but those of us who view ourselves as “functioning” walk a seemly straight line. I’ll end this one with a quote that is all too true: Be Kind, for everyone you met is fighting a battle you know nothing about –Wend Mass.
Much Love,
Jess J
Autumn put her finger up my butt–hence the face!
